


Androids and Wet Socks

by valerian_valentine



Category: Homestuck
Genre: ? - Freeform, Asexual Character, Blood and Violence, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kinda, Kinda?, Looots of horniness, M/M, Multi, OOC, Pansexual Character, Sex Toys, There's a dildo!, dbhstuck, not this guy, there might be some robo fucking, warning, wet socks, who makes a robot you cant fuck, will add more tags as this goes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2020-02-28 20:00:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 51,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18763201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valerian_valentine/pseuds/valerian_valentine
Summary: it all started with a sociopath who had wet socksa detroit become human au where hal is an android and dirk is depressedso nothings changed :)





	1. Gallons of water and misery

Dirk was trying his best not to straight up murder someone due to the fact that the fates hated him. Well, this isnt the fates fault. They were just doing their jobs. It wasnt their fault the storm caused a small power outage in his apartment causing his alarm to reset and not wake him up causing him to skip breakfast, rush through his morning routine, barely have time to style his hair, skip his morning coffee cup, and he didnt even have time to check his text messages which was a bad idea due to the fact his phone was threatening to turn into a vibrator due to all of the text messages Roxy was sending him.  
He had gotten a glimpse of what she was texting him about while he was running out the door and apparently, he was getting a partner today because hes a “loose cannon” and “a sociopath” and “horrifying” like what does ‘horrifying’ really mean, right? And who the fuck calls someone a ‘loose cannon’ unironically? But skipping the true philosophical meaning behind calling someone horrifying and the irony of calling someone a loose cannon, Dirk already hated his partner. He didnt know who they were or why they were being assigned to him but it was hard not to hate everything in life when your shoes are full of a ludicrous amount of water. 

Everytime he took a step there was a slosh and a squealch. A few passerbys gave him sympathetic looks when they heard his shoes squishing and a few looked startled at the extremely disgusting noise.  
Everything sucks.  
He was wet, hungry, his socks were going to have to just straight up be burned, his hair was now completely soaking, his shades were near impossible to see through, his clothes clung to his body and weighed him down. Unfortunately, no one was kind enough to lend him an umbrella. Most likely due to the fact he had a permanent death glare on his face. He was pretty sure a few kids cried as he walked by just due to the pure death energy he was radiating.  
It was times like this that made him so grateful his phone was waterproof and he kept some spare clothes at the station. Honestly, he had hoped he would only have to use that backup outfit because he was shot in the line of fire in a really cool way and needed clean clothes due to the blood but no. He was going to use his spare outfit because jesus himself took a big fat steaming shit on his day because Dirk sucked some dick occasionally... 

At least, thats what he wouldve been told if he still lived in Texas. 

Whatever. He got to the station and sighed. How was he going to approach this? He couldnt just walk in, he would track water everywhere. There wasnt any easy path to get to the locker rooms without spreading around the water that was clinging to his body for dear life. He could ask Roxy to get him a towel but his clothes would still be soaking wet. He could see if she had a hair dryer with her but a hair dryer would take too long to dry him. He could just book it to the locker rooms and just dry up the river he would leave behind him with a few towels then give the janitor his secret bar of dark chocolate he kept in his desk. Or he could call in sick and cry himself to sleep outside. Most of the water was in his shirt, he could just take that off.. Well, he could just get Roxy to grab him a towel, strip down to his boxers and just wrap the towel around himself then fucking book it to the locker rooms but that would probably get him fired. Hes already walked around the office without a shirt much too many times....  
Which was once. That day a soda exploded on him and he decided shirts were social constructs anyway. But this isnt about that horrible day. This was about suddenly dropping twenty gallons of water and misery inside and make the janitor murder him. Before he could stew in his own mind more, he suddenly felt a bit of pressure on his head and a soft white color covered his eyes. Someone dumped a towel on his head. Apparently someone mustve seen him plotting while looking at the warm and dry inside.  
He lifted the towel off his head and looked at his savior…. An android. Wearing a police uniform. With the name “HAL9000” over its left breast. Whoever named this android has either never took a history lesson before or had an amazing sense of humor. Either way, this android was giving him a curious look. “Hello, Dirk Strider. My name is Hal. Im your new partner.” It said and Dirk couldnt stop himself from making a disgusted look.


	2. Challenges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dirk needs to learn some manners

Okay, Dirk was officially going to kill someone. His captain gave him an android. He knew why and it wasnt fair. Yeah, maybe he got a bit rough when he was interrogating people. Never physically but he has made multiple people cry during interrogation… and maybe made a few witnesses cry.. And maybe intimidated a few officers…

But that didnt warrant an android! Dirk didnt really mind androids. In fact, he loved them. They were better than humans. They could keep up with him. But having an android with him was humiliating and if there was one thing Dirk Fucking Strider never allowed was someone humiliating him outside the bedroom and without his permission. An android following him around meant he couldnt be trusted with humans. It meant he was being babysat like some teen who stole a yacht once…

Which he did do. One time. But it was warranted unlike this! His bro hadnt visited him in four months and Dirk was full of dumb teen hormones so he stole a yacht. He didnt even get grounded or scolded since he didnt damage the boat. It was too nice to damage. The owner of it didnt even scold him! Maybe thats why he didnt care about the consequences of his actions…

 

Nah.

 

But currently Dirk was staring down his captain, dripping on the carpet. After the android- Hal, greeted him he went straight to his captains office. He currently had an impressive puddle going on around him as Hal stood quietly behind him as they all just sat in the intense silence. Dirk could see the beads of nervous sweat running down his captains face. It was obvious she knew he could sink this place with just a quick phone call and a few fake tears. Hal was actually the first one to break the silence. “Mister Strider, you are creating a puddle.”

Dirk didnt break eye contact with his captain. “Oh really? Sorry, I didnt notice.” Hal frowned the tiniest bit in the corner of Dirks eye.

“Its really obvious. Maybe you should go dry off to prevent-” Dirk cut him off

“Oh no. Im fine. Ill clean it up later. Right now though, I’d like to ask the captain a very important question.” He said, keeping his voice level and cool as he watched his captain try to avoid squirming. He let her stew in the silence for a little while longer before speaking up again. “So, Captain. Care to explain you assigned me an android partner and didnt give me any warning beforehand?” He asked. He already knew why she didnt tell him beforehand. She was scared of him which was dumb. She was a female captain with a very impressive record, he should be scared of her. But only one of them had enough money to afford an extremely good lawyer and only one of them knew how to plant evidence like a professional.

She gulped and glanced at Hal who seemed very concerned about the wellbeing of the rug. “Well, I….. I didnt want to offend you. You arent the only one getting a negative reaction from all of this. The press is pressuring us-” Dirk cut her off. In any other circumstance, she would have smacked some sense into him but fear does things to a person.

“Tell them you wanted to ensure you had your best officer to make sure the android would do the right thing and that this isnt anything major. The android will be under a lot of supervision and will always have our best officer with him. Make sure not to use his name or call him a he, that will make this seem like a permanent thing. Saying that will give both of us good publicity. Now,” he got up and made sure to shake a bit more than usual just to get more water on her floor, “I need to go dry off.” He said and walked out, ignoring the sound of Hal following him as he went to the locker rooms.

He didnt even care about the janitor any more. He didnt care about spreading water everywhere. He was pissed off. He walked right past Roxy who was standing in front of the mens locker room, holding towels for him. He went in, dried off, got changed and took his sweet time fixing his hair. The precinct was quiet. Most people were working at home so they could enjoy the weather. It was so quiet he could hear the muffled voices of Roxy and Hal talking outside. He couldnt tell what the two were saying but he guessed Roxy was asking why Dirk looked like shit. He stared at himself in the mirror for a solid moment, soaking in his self loathing before he walked out and went straight to the small kitchen they had. He knew the coffee was burnt or cold or both and he knew all of the good breakfast foods were gone but that didnt stop him from hoping he could have a nice bowl of cereal.

Boy was he disappointed.

Cold, burned coffee and a few handfuls of almonds. Yum. At least it was enough to make him feel less dizzy and nauseated. Hal and Roxy followed him like lost puppies. Well, Roxy looked like a lost puppy while Hal looked like a curious bird of prey that was trying to decide what Dirk was. The answer was depressed. Dirk was so depressed.

He sat down at one of the few tables and quietly at his almonds. He was so exhausted already. Today fuckin sucked. Sucks. Present tense Dirk, keep up. Hal and Roxy sat across from him and there was a tense silence until Hal spoke up.

“Hello. My name is Hal9000 but you may call me Hal. Im your new partner, Mister Strider. I hope we can work well together.” Dirk slowly looked up at the android.

“Yes. I know. You told me earlier, remember?” he asked. Maybe he needed an update to his memory card or social cues. Probably both. Dirk started pulling up a mental map of his current robotic parts inventory at home while Hal continued talking.

“Im aware I told you earlier but it is my understanding people respond when they are greeted. You did not respond earlier so I assumed you might not have heard me.” Hal said in a vaguely condescending tone like he was talking to a slow toddler or a mental patient he was trying to calm down. Dirk just gave him a tight, bitter smile. “No, I heard you earlier.” he said tensely which just earned him a patronizing smile from the android.

Never in his entire life has he wanted to punch an android in the face more.

“Are you aware you have 4 open cases? One of which the captain has requested you work on today. She wants us to stake out the abandoned building on 24th street to watch for any suspicious activity. She also thinks its a good opportunity for us to talk and get to know each other. Well, for you to get to know me and for me to record your behavior and mannerism so I may best understand how to control you when you scare people or start doing immoral things. I already know almost everything I need to know about you due to the fact you humans have nearly your whole lives in a few files. I was even given access to some of your documents from your childhood therapist but I was not given permission to speak of them to anyone but you and whoever needs the information.” Hal said smoothly without pausing, staring fairly intensely at Dirk with his bright red eyes.

Dirk finally understood what it was like to be intimidated by a person.

Hal looked fairly human. Human enough to trust him but scary enough to make someone crap their pants. He had broad shoulders, sickly pale skin, obvious muscle, strong legs.. Whoever made Hal made him for fighting and intimidating. Hals eyes were a glowing red and the LED on his temple was orange. Now that Dirk was thinking about it, he didnt think he saw Hals LED switch colors. That probably meant Hal was always on alert, always ready to jump into action, always ready to defend and protect, always ready to fight.

 

To be honest?

 

Dirk loved it. He finally had a real challenge, someone that could actually keep up with him. Roxy could keep up with him but she wasnt interested in challenging him. Hal was. It was obvious in the way he was purposely trying to piss him off, get him riled up but in an experimental way not a ‘im an asshole that wants to make you explode’ way. Dirk took a long sip from his coffee cup and looked back at Hal, just as intense. “Im aware what the captain wants us to do. Let me grab my stuff and we can be on our way. Youll have to drive.” he said and picked up his almonds and coffee, walking out of the kitchen.

 

On his way out, he heard Roxy whisper, “What the fuck was that?” to herself


	3. Rain sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hal knows too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of homophobia, fag dragging, mental issues and self harm

Dirk was standing in front of the glass door, staring at the outside world. The storm picked up and he couldn't even see a few feet away from the door. Hal9000 stood next to him, clearly confused as to why the fuck Dirk wasn't going outside.

Dirk was going to have to plan this carefully. His police car was all the way across the parking lot.. Probably. He couldn't see it from where he was standing. As he was trying to figure out how they'd get to the car without getting soaking wet, there was a flash of lightning and Hal's hands were over his ears, muffling the loud clap of thunder that shook the windows.

He instinctively put his hands over Hal's, pressing against them to further muffled the noise before giving Hal the most confused look he could muster without looking like a dweeb. Hal just calmly removed his hands and shrugged.

“Your childhood therapy report stated you got startled by loud sudden noises. Not due to any past trauma, your anxiety and OCD just keeps you on constant alert so surprises like that are more startling to you.” Hal said it like it was no big deal.

Dirk could feel all of the blood drain from his face. “They gave you access to my… Never mind. You have access to the police cars, correct? You can probably get it to drive itself over here from this distance. My cars name should be displayed as 414.” He said tensely, fingers twitching at his side's. What else did they give him access to? Did everyone else have access to his files?

This was honestly one of the worst days of his life. He always kept his personal life under extreme lockand key with multiple security guards there to kick someone's ass if they asked too much. The only thing his co-workers knew about his personal life was that he probably owned a home, probably had money, was related to The Dave Strider and that Roxy was allowed in his personal life and Roxy was just as discreet about that part of his life. Although, she loved misleading people and their rumors. She was the one who started the whole ‘Dirk is actually an android’ rumor because a few people were talking about his sexuality.

Speaking of Roxy, Dirk was going to paypal her some of his bros money for having his back. God bless that pansexual mess.

Before he could panic any more, Hal put a gentle hand on his shoulder. The sight of Hal's almost white skin near his own tan skin just kinda freaked him out. Like they were in a horror movie or a shitty ‘sick dying person wants to live out the rest of their days with the cute guy’ romance movie.

“Mister Strider, can you hear me?” The android asked in the most condensing tone ever. Dirk was pretty sure Hal would give his bro a run for his money in a ‘which one of us can make Dirk feel shittier’ race.

“No. Sorry, I'm completely deaf. Never ever gonna be the same. I should go ahead and retire at twenty four and live out the rest of my very limited days in my bros fuckin manor. Cry myself to sleep every night because no one can understand how fucking hard it is to be deaf.” He said, monotonous. He enjoyed being a complete monotonous shit bag around androids due to the fact they had a hard time telling if he was joking or not.

Hal just blinked a few times before standing up straighter. “Okay. I'll notify the captain you're retiring.” He said while Dirk just watched. Maybe he should call Hals bluff. Maybe some other day.

“I was just kidding. Could you repeat what you said earlier? I was thinking.” He said calmly. Honestly, he rarely talked this way to other humans. He just.. Didn't like them. Humans were unpredictable, liars, rude and they were all so annoyingly different which meant Dirk would have to change his sense of humor every time he met a new person so he could gauge how much of a dick wad he could be without getting put in jail.

The last time he just let someone have the full Strider Experience they quit their job. Their job was to be in charge of him. He had made a joke about water boarding a tough suspect to get answers and it was an obvious joke! He even smiled and laughed! But apparently his old babysitter took that too seriously and ended up getting scared and calling for help. 

Honestly, Hal was a big upgrade from that.

Anyway, Hal was talking again. Pay attention, Dirk!

“- really cheap. But as I was saying, yes, I can get the car to drive itself over here. Its policy to give android offices complete access to all electronics the department owned in case of emergency. This includes cars, certain weapons, files on officers work computers, everything. It technically is not an invasion of privacy due to the fact the department owns the computers and no one should have many personal things on those computers anyway. Speaking of which, you shouldnt be on your social media accounts on your work computer. Its not very professional. Even if you dont post anything…. Ever. Why would you have a social media account if you arent going to post anything?” Hal asked and boy did this guy have a problem with privacy.

And Dirk thought Roxy was snoopy.

Although, Dirk played it cool. He shrugged and silently thanked the fucking lord hes never used Tinder or Grindr at work. “I dont use social media for anything other than liking my friends photos. Well, just Roxys. I also use it to stay with current memes and news.” He explained. This was all a… semi lie. He did use his social media accounts but rarely due to the fact he never had enough energy to post anything or keep a frequent update schedule although he was active on his private accounts that he never even opened or looked at or thought about at work. There was no way in hell he was letting anyone besides Roxy see those accounts. Hell, even Roxy wasnt allowed to see those private accounts. She always understood. Sometimes you just had to straight up bitch about people without anyone you know in real life seeing.

Hal didnt seem satisfied with his answer. Did Hal know how to read heart rates or tell if someone was lying? Probably the latter.

“Ah. Well, your heart rate picked up very quickly earlier when I mentioned your therapy documents. Did I say something wrong or… upsetting, Officer Strider?” holy shit Dirk could hear this androids smirk. Hot damn he did not enjoy this. Might as well tell the truth.

“Yeah, you did say something upsetting. Having access to those files is an extreme invasion of privacy and not to mention hella illegal and uncool. My life outside of work should not be mentioned at work so please keep that in mind. Besides, a lot of the information from that file is old and useless due to the fact Im much older and Ive grown a lot. By the way, call me Dirk. If we’re going to work together then I’d like to be on a first name basis.” He said calmly, ignoring the fact Hal had put emphasis on the word officer. 

Dirk had been demoted recently from detective to cop. It was…. Humiliating and difficult. He had already gotten a fuck ton of shit on it from his fellow co workers which just sucked. The reason for his demotion was his old ‘babysitter’ aka the Please Control Strider mission take one. They had hired a professional mental health worker or something to make sure he didnt hurt himself or others. The poor gal was not ready to deal with someone like Dirk. She nearly had a panic attack everytime he made a slightly morbid joke and her and the departments breaking point was the waterboarding joke. She had completely freaked out and had to be sent to a mental health institute for a few weeks. She luckily didnt sue him but her reason why she didnt was ‘Im scared if I do he’ll kill me’ which wasnt.. Nice but it was better than getting sued. The department ended up demoting him to a fucking cop but he was honestly too tired to even think about that right now. He might end up just going home and crying himself to sleep again. 

 

As the self driving police car pulled up to the sidewalk in front of them, Dirk let himself get a bit lost in his mind, trying to figure out how much Hal would know and how illegal this was. It was a pretty extreme invasion of privacy but what Dirk was most concerned about was whether Hal knew he was gay or not. Being gay wasnt a huge part of Dirks life and he wanted to keep it that way. He wasnt sure how well the department would take it. Living in Texas as a gay kid was…. Traumatizing. The second he came out his bro had told him to never ever tell anyone because it would damage his reputation and they would both get fag dragged.

Dirk still had nightmares of Texas.

He had nightmares where he came out and the news spread like wildfire and he would get death threats

He would wake up with the phantom feeling of gravel digging into his body and a rope around his neck. Sometimes he could smell the diesel fumes.

He knew being gay was more acceptable here and it was honestly a lot better. He even had openly gay coworkers who seemed happy and hes worked security at multiple city wide pride parades but that didnt stop the nightmares of getting fired or disowned. He decided to push those thoughts deep down, knowing they would resurface later when he was at home alone with more than a few drinks in his system.

As Hal drove them to 24th street, they sat in silence… for like a minute before Hal spoke up. That bastard.

“Officer Str-... Dirk. Are you aware there is blood on your dashboard? I tested it and it seems to be a week old and yours.” The weird ass android said. If Dirk didnt know any better he’d say Hal sounded slightly concerned.

“I am aware. I had a perp attack me as I was leaving my car a few days ago and they got my nose pretty bad. I havent had the time to clean it off.” He explained, trying to keep himself from rubbing his nose. The perp didnt attack him for no reason. They were part of a certain gang an old friend of his ran and thats all he wanted to think about for now. No more sad thoughts, they were so exhausting.

Before Dirk knew it, they were at the exact spot the captain asked them to stake out. A perfect view. Far enough they wouldnt look suspicious and close enough they could see. God damn he wanted to just give all his money to whoever made Hal.

“Dirk, why does your heart rate keep spiking randomly? I understand youve had problems with anxiety in the past but this doesnt seem to be that. Are you upset about having me as a partner? I assure you that even as an android, I can-” Dirk cut him off.

“I dont care that youre an android. Actually, Im happy that you are. I prefer to have an android partner over a human one. My heart rate is picking up because Im trying to get a read on you. I want to know what you know about me so I can understand how much access the department has given you.” He explained calmly like he was talking to a child, even doing the weird note change people tended to do with bratty kids. That should get under Hal9000’s synthetic skin.

Instead, Hal just looked at him with a curious look. The bastard.

“Well, I was given full access to everything about you. Your mental health records, your health records, your past and current cases, everything ever written down about you. I know you have oddly colored eyes which makes you more sensitive to seeing light, I know you pinch at your biceps, thighs, stomach, calves, chest and shoulders with your nails until you bleed due to anxiety, I know you pull the hairs around your ankles out because you think they look weird, I know you have to tap your tools a few times before using them, I know youve been underweight for most of your life, I know about your nightmares which has made you an insomniac, I know youre scared of being useless so you always work,I know youre a homosexual, I know everything about you Dirk. Well, everything that has ever been written down. Which has been a lot. More words than all of the Harry Potter series combined. Most has been from magazines or fan theory pages but I still find them useful. I find you very interesting. So humanly robotic. But what I dont understand is some of your nightmares that have been written down and your irrational fear of being faced with extreme homophobia. You seem like a very rational person so I dont understand.” Hal said but his voice lacked the condescending tone it usually did. 

 

Did Hal actually care about him…?

 

Dirk swallowed thickly, feeling like he had a mountain stuck in his throat. “Oh.” He whispered and stared out at the building, trying to think of an answer.

Before he could, he heard the faintest sound of yelling. He wouldnt have heard it if Hal had been talking. An android walking by the building they were staking out turned their head towards the noise which just confirmed Dirk had heard something but luckily the android kept walking.

“Shut up. Listen.” He whispering harshly, watching the building with wide eyes, searching for anything suspicious and boy did he find something suspicious.

 

The tiniest bit of blood flowing from the old building to the storm gutter. Dirk grabbed his expandable police baton and opened the door, quietly running to the building.

 

This was the wrong day to not bring his gun.


	4. Broken Noses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pov change to keep ya on your toes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: blood, broken nose, dick wads, playing the guilt card

Hal was nervous. Or he thought this feeling was nervousness. His mind was racing and it was getting hard to think well. Thats how most humans described nervousness, right? He was currently crouched down, testing the blood on the sidewalk. Jonathon Smith. A fourteen year old male. No criminal history which was odd. Why was a child at an abandoned building?

“Hal? Do we need to call for backup?” Officer Strider whispered to him. The officer sounded stressed and tense. Most likely due to the unpredictability of the situation. At least Strider got to the point.

Hal looked through a tiny crack in a tinted window, looking inside for any signs of illegal activity. Nothing out of the ordinary besides a small child with what seemed like a broken nose, surrounded by a small gang of kids. Maybe four, possibly more. None were holding weapons. He did a facial scan, revealing the childrens identities. David Harold, Warren Olsen, Jacob White and Andy Adams. Generic names. None with criminal records. All seemed to be 14 or 13.

Hal looked back over to Officer Strider and shook his head. “No need to call for backup. Just a few kids but keep your weapon out. Just to make them know youre serious…. Or if you need a weapon to handle some fourteen year old boys.” He said, watching as Officer Strider gave him a glare, finding it funny how easy it was to offend human males.

Officer Strider walked into the building, looking like.. Well, a police officer. “Hey! Whats going on here?” He asked loudly, voice carrying in the semi empty building which made him sound official. The generically named kids ran off, leaving the one with the broken nose behind. Humans were so odd.

Hal watched the kids run off, sighing. Or what he thought was sighing. He already knew who those kids were, he could simply notify their families and get them grounded or suspended. Or he could just get them sent to juvie. This was technically assault but he doubted he could actually get those kids in juvie. Maybe some fines though.

Hal snapped back to reality, watching Officer Strider clean the injured kid up and talk about something in a fairly quiet voice. Too quiet for Hal to hear. But what confused Hal was how… kind and gentle Officer Strider was to the child. He had expected him to tell the kid to shake it off and keep moving but Officer Strider was actually comforting the child. 

He would have to update some files due to this. Eventually, Officer Strider wrapped his jacket around the child and started leading him out of the building. This caused Hal to frown, once again confused.

“Officer Strider, where are you taking the child?” He asked. Was Officer Strider about to do something violent or morally irresponsible?

“We’re taking him back to the station. We’ve got a very nice nurse there and we can make him some hot chocolate, warm him up a bit.” Officer Strider said, his voice sounding different. It was obvious Officer Strider was attempting to comfort the child who didnt even look at Hal. Huh.

Officer Strider quickly lead the teen to the car and even opened the back door for them. This was all very out of character for Officer Strider. Hal decided to start recording this to study it later just in case he needed to. This was a lot of new information to process. Hal got into the drivers seat, glancing at the kid in the rearview mirror. The teens nose was bleeding profusely but luckily Officer Striders jacket was catching most of the blood. Upon close inspection, he saw tears running down the teens cheeks most likely due to getting his nose broken.

Hal decided not to mention he knew enough first aid to pop the teens nose back into place.

The ride back to the station was a very weird one from Hals perspective. Officer Strider made dumb ‘dad jokes’ and relatively PG-13 jokes. Due to the teens laugh, Hal assumed they were funny or the teen was too polite to say how dumb Officer Striders jokes were.

About halfway back the the station, the teen finally spoke to Hal. “Arent you the new police android?” the teen asked in his weird pubescent voice which cracked when he said ‘arent’.

“Yes. I am to follow Officer Strider around to ensure his safety.” Hal replied. It wasnt the whole truth but the teen didnt need to know he was mostly following Officer Strider around to keep the public safe.

“Hes basically my babysitter. Making sure I stay away from danger. You know, licking wall sockets, playing with fire, normal things.” Officer Strider joked, looking back at the teen who was now laughing. Maybe Hal needed to update his humor settings or social cues because these ‘jokes’ did not sound funny at all. He will have to ask Miss Lalonde to tell him if those jokes were funny or not.

Then teens curiosity in Hal did not stop at just one question much to Hals dismay. The rest of the trip was filled with questions with voice cracking and childish jokes. This was Hals personal nightmare if he could even have a nightmare. Luckily, Officer Strider answered most of the questions for him and expertly avoided going into the details. At one point, Hal couldve sworn he saw Officer Strider smiling at him which just made his synthetic skin crawl with what he hoped was concern for Officer Striders mental health. Yes.

He was so happy he was recording all of this. He was going to have to show all of this to Miss Lalonde. When they finally reached the station, Officer Strider took the teen straight to the little nurses office that was mostly there to make sure officers and detectives got the proper amount of sleep, didnt work until they crashed or overdose on caffeine.

The nurse was a very nice female android who was very serious about her job. When they walked in, she was almost instantly cleaning up the teen and fixing his nose. “Goodness gracious! You are just bleeding all over the place! Dont worry, we’re going to fix that nose right up, give you some candy and send you on your way!” She said cheerfully and started fixing the teens nose, happily conversing with him and making sure he was comfortable.

Hal decided to make himself useful and walked to the small kitchen to get the child the hot chocolate Officer Strider promised him. As he walked in, a few officers stopped conversing to stare at him. He didnt mind. They were probably talking about something private. He went over to the cabinets and grabbed a mug, preparing to make the hot chocolate. Hot chocolate was a comforting drink to humans, maybe Officer Strider wanted some. Previous records did state Officer Strider enjoyed sweets occasionally and from Hals observations, Officer Strider was not having a good day.

As he was making two cups of hot chocolate, one of the officers from earlier walked up to him and knocked one of the mugs off the counter. “Oops. Better clean that up, tincan.” The officer hissed at him before laughing with their friends. Hm. Hal began to pick up the pieces of the now broken mug, thankful he forgot to stop recording earlier. He should probably tell the captain but he didnt want to bother her. This was a small issue he could handle himself. He threw away the broken pieces and was about to grab another mug when it was snatched away from him by the now very annoying officer.

“Sorry, I need this.” The officer said but Hal suspected they werent actually sorry.

“Oh. I guess I’ll have to tell the child in the nurses office he wont get hot chocolate.” Hal stated, feigning a sad tone, watching as the officer stiffened up but didnt give the mug back. Thats okay. Hal knew how to play the guilt card.

“I doubt a warm drink would help after getting a broken nose any way but I thought it would help with the cold due to the fact he seemed to have been in the abandoned building for a while.” He said, using the same tone of voice. The other officers at the table straightened up and avoided looking at Hal or the officer currently holding the last mug. If the officer didnt give him the mug there would be social repercussions. He would have to send Officer Strider and Miss Lalonde this part of the recording. They might find it amusing.

The officer slowly handed the last mug back to Hal. “I can last a while without another cup, its fine..” they mumbled and Hal filled the mug with hot milk and hot chocolate power, giving them a condescending smirk. “Thanks.” He said smugly and grabbed a small stirring stick before walking back to the nurses office with the two mugs. Hopefully the officer was now realizing they were a fool that fell for his trick.

He handed the more colorfully and already mixed hot chocolate to the child, giving Officer Strider the mug that still had clumps of hot chocolate powder in it. He cut the video he had been taking and sent Miss Lalonde and Officer Strider the bit from the kitchen. Hopefully they enjoyed watching it.


	5. Jealousy and Drinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hal and dirk get in the shower together but dont fuck  
> i know, even i dont understand it

Dirk was so exhausted from working all day and keeping a teen entertained without hurting their feelings was difficult. He watched more YouTube videos with this kid than he has in his entire life and he had about twelve years of chronic insomnia under his belt. He had managed to get the kid home and safe, got the other children in trouble with their parents and managed to close a few dead cases. Boy fucking howdy.

He didn't realize that Hal has barely made a single noise since they found the teen until he was sitting at his desk in silence with Hal next to him. Hal was just staring at the wall, a blank look on his face as he filed reports, updated things, did some shit, probably watched some porn. Who knows. Dirk took this as an opportunity to study Hal since he hasn't really gotten a good chance to do so without seeming creepy or nerdy.

Hal looked gorgeous from his nerdy side. Beautiful detailed work, every individual pore and hair was crafted beautifully, a lovely sharp nose, thin lips that had creases and beautiful colors, perfectly made synthetic skin, obvious perfect code, thousands of years of police work integrated into a single android, little LED circle always yellow meaning he was always alert and working .. While his nerdy side was completely flipping it's shit, Dirks reasonable side was freaked out. Hal looked horrifying. Nearly stark white skin, very few imperfections that made him look human, broad shoulders and narrow hips, the constant vigilance was scary, he looked so… Dead. Like a horror movie character. Everything about Hal made him both excited and scared. The lightning like reflexes, the inhuman stillness, the way Hal knew almost everything about him from just a few quick files.. It was enough to make Dirk sick from all the sudden feeling changes but there was one thing that was particularly bothering him.

"Where do you live?" He asked quietly. He seriously didn't want to go home and come back to see Hal exactly where he left him because the night just made his heart give up. Just straight up stop because walking to his desk and seeing a motionless Android just straight up staring at a wall and doing fuckin' nothing. That's just where Dirk draws the line. There it is and that's where it will stay. 

Hal blinked a few times before looking over at Dirk. At least, Dirk hoped he blinked. "I.. I don't understand the question. I don't technically live but if you are asking where I go to when work is done, I.. Don't go anywhere. I have a closet I'm allowed to use after work if I need to recharge but I wouldn't consider that where I live." He said and frowned. It was weird to see such an emotionless android mimic human confusion. 

"Okay. You're coming to my apartment with me. You can sleep or recharge or whatever on the couch." He said and crossed his arms, spinning in his chair to face Hal who was giving Dirk a condescending look once again.

"Officer Strider, I thought you had more dignity than this. Commanding poor innocent androids to go home with you? That's highly unprofessional." Hal said, using a tone of voice a teacher would use when scolding a child who ran with scissors. Dirk sighed and shook his head.

"What can I say? I'm a lonely soul, craving someone to fill my android kink. In reality, you need to tone that ego down. I'm commanding you to come to my apartment so you get to experience life as a lonely depressed sociopath also, resting in a closet will just get you bullied. So c'mon, let's ditch this place. I think I deserve several drinks after this day." He said and got up, grabbing his bag, not even listening to Hal talk. He was tired and wanted to get drunk enough to black him out so he could pretend like he was asleep. Almost as good as actually sleeping.

Hal was saying something about the dangers of alcohol but Dirk was already set on which bar to go to. His favorite one. Low lights, quiet, discreet and no one did shit there besides get hammered. They occasionally played some good music and mostly catered to sad drunk dudes that wanted to drown their sorrows in another scotch. It was one of Dirks favorite places, really. Sometimes he just went there to be quiet for a while but still have background noise. He could always recreate the atmosphere of the bar with some mood lighting, headphones and a lucky day where his neighbors weren't being loud dickwads but it took a lot of effort. He enjoyed just having the bartender take care of all the stressful things so he could relax. Plus, the bar allowed androids as long as they didn't chase out customers or get bitchy or draw attention to the place so Hal might be able to stay for about ten minutes. Dirk had noticed Hal was always quite bitchy.

He grabbed Hals wrist, dragging him out of the building, grateful the rain had stopped.. Kinda. It was trickling now and again but it wasn't bad. He always enjoyed walking to the bar on foot then stumbling home. The bar was actually close to his apartment so Dirk liked frequenting there because it was nice and convenient. Also the bartender was nice enough to help him through his insomnia episodes. He stopped right in front of the doors leading out and faced Hal. "Here are some rules. No talking during our walk to the bar unless you plan on keeping it short and sweet. No bitching or being loud at the bar or you'll get kicked out. If I do end up getting drunk, you aren't allowed to be a cuntbag. Drunk me is a crier and you will be soaked in real man tears if you say something even remotely mean. If you start getting uncomfortable or nervous and want to leave the bar, tell me. You can crash on my couch for tonight and in the morning I'll set up the futon unless you already know how to do that. On the walk to my apartment, do not speak to anyone unless you are positive you need to. The people we'll be passing are depressed, drunk and full of hormones so there is no telling what they'll do. Got it? Great." He grabbed Hals wrist again and pulled him out of the building.

As per usual, the walk to the bar was nice. Low lights, only a few people, cars passing by, only the slight smell of puke. Dirk adored the walk to the bar. He loved the dark lights, the few people, the quiet but still busy feel that's settled. It was his happy place. Well, one of his happy places. His favorite place in the entire world was his shower. He had paid so much to get such a nice one. It was big, clean and the water pressure was straight from the heavens themselves. The shower head was detachable and stretched far so Dirk could wash every inch of himself and more. It was his oasis. Just thinking about it made him eager to get home and get in. He was so gross from sweat and grime from just everyday life and couldn't wait to get that warm tipsy feel then get in the shower. God, it would be heaven. He didn't even notice he was  smiling as he walked until the strangers passing by started taking notice. He felt his face heat up a bit and he dropped his smile, mentally scolding himself for not paying attention. He was thinking about his shower, how could he not get a little distracted?

Hal barely talked during their walk to the bar which was a blessing but he wasn't sure if Hal was talking and he was too spaced out to notice or if Hal recognized this as 'Dirks Happy Time' and had the morals to not ruin it. Either way, it was nice to get lost in positive thoughts. This was one of the very few moments where Dirk could relax. He knew the place like the back of his hand, it was safe, he could get drunk and not get kidnapped or killed but he wasn't sure if that’s because the place was so safe or because no one would want a drunk asshole on their hands..

Let’s not dwell on that.

Dirk started feeling giddy, already organizing the rest of his routine in his head. He wouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow so he could stay up late without the usual repercussions like accidentally putting ketchup in his coffee because he’s too sleep deprived to actually see anything. That just.. Happened sometimes. Random blindness after not sleeping for 48 hours. Well, not really blindness, but his vision sometimes just… gave out. Everything would go blurry to the point he couldn’t even see shapes or colors very well and his eyes would hurt like crazy. Roxy always got concerned when this happened but he didn’t think it was an indication of anything bad.. Right?

Right.

…. Right?

Whatever, that didn’t matter. What mattered was the fact they had finally arrived at his favorite bar in the entire world and he hasn’t hear a single word out of Hal’s mouth which was a god damn blessing. Dirk didn’t believe in god but this was a fucking metaphysical miracle that Hal was silent for fucking once but holy shit it was worrying. Was Hal mad? Upset? Scared?..... Horny??? What did androids feel? Why was Dirk rambling in his own head? Who fucking knows or cares! Life is meaningless, smoke weed, snort cocaine, do xanax, fuck whoever, love is love, stay in school, eat pray love, etc.

God, he was so happy no one could read his thoughts or else he’d never be taken seriously again. Ever.

As they walked into the bar, Dirk felt himself relax. All the tension just.. Poofed. He stepped a bit closer to Hal, feeling the tension return quickly when others noticed Hal was an android. One person who seemed intoxicated out of their mind stood up, glaring at Hal but the bartender just shot the person a ‘sit down or you won’t have an ass to sit with’ face before smiling at Dirk.

“Mr. Strider, its always good to see you.” The bartender spoke just above a whisper. The bartenders name was Equius, a fact Dirk had learned long ago. Equius was always so nice to him, always quiet and respectful. But Equius wasn’t supposed to even have a bartending license due to the fact he was, well, barely 17…

But the kid needed the money. Desperately. He had caught Equius a while back with some seriously heavy drugs on him and a fuck ton of it. Turns out, Equius was technically part of a gang. Kinda. They mostly made him carry drugs, occasionally bodyguard and run errands. His “friend” who’s name remains unknown to Dirk was the one who manipulated poor Equius into joining the gang. Dirk was always surprised they never had Equius beat the shit out of people due to the fact Equius was an absolute fucking unit. He was bigger than  _ Hal _ for godsake.

Equius had the body of a fucking tank. He was pretty sure this kid could just rip him apart if he wanted to. His shoulders were wide, his muscular arms looked like they were about to straight up explode the sleeves on the dumb shirt they made him wear. His chest looked strained, like he was desperately trying to keep the buttons from popping off and jesus, if they did Dirk would either cry or leave out of sheer fear. This kid had a good whole ass 11 inches on him. Dirk was exactly 6’0” and here Equius was… 6’11 and 240 pounds... Like the dickwad he was.

Surprisingly, Dirk liked Equius despite the fact Equius could literally break him in half. The kid was honest but loyal to his friends. Dirk kept his nose out of Equius’ business and Equius would keep his friends out of Dirks cases. It was a good compromise and Equius always made sure his friend never went anywhere near Dirk. But one time, Dirk couldn't turn the other cheek. Nepeta Leijon had nearly killed a man due to… some reason. Dirk couldn't remember. What he did remember was Equius walked in, sweating bullets, wearing a tank top and jeans. Both looked uncomfortable and too small. He remembered watching how uncomfortable the poor kid looked as he went over to Dirks desk and asked, as quietly as possible, if he could help him handle this situation.

Dirk could never say no to that teary eyed giant of a man. Honestly, Dirk was sure that if he ever did say no to Equius both of them would cry. Dirk never really remembered much about their meetings outside of the bar but one thing he always noticed was how gentle Equius was with everything, especially people. He remembered, very vividly, the times Equius had to hold someone back and no matter how fucking hard they struggled, Equius could hold them back with ease like they were just a rowdy infant. It was so fucking funny and weird at the same time. Dirk loved the irony of all of it.

Well, back to present times, Hal gave Dirk a confused look which Equius mirrored. Hal looked ready to arrest Equius and Equius looked confused at the fact Dirk would share this place with someone other than Roxy. Dirk walked over to the bar and sat down, giving Equius a tiny smile.

“Equius.” He whispered in greeting and looked over at Hal. “Relax.” He mumbled as convincingly as he could. It must've been weird and confusing to see such a young bartender especially to Hal. He gave Hal a little nod towards the seat next to him, signalling for Hal to sit which, thankfully, he did without saying a word.

“I know Equius is underage but leave him be, okay? He needs the cash and will turn eighteen in November I believe. Just let this slide.” He whispered to Hal, face a few inches from Hals ear so no one would hear them. He thought he felt Hal’s muscles tense when he got close but he probably just imagined it.

Equius pretended like he wasn't just listening in, preparing Dirk his favorite drink. A simple drink full of sweet alcohol with orange juice and a little spring of mint. Honestly, it just tasted like a sweet orange with some alcohol thrown at it vaguely by a blind and deaf cat who had just been spun around for a full hour. As he sipped his drink, Equius hovered around them, obviously eager to ask Hal and Dirk some questions. Equius was just as interested in androids as Dirk was, maybe more and Dirk was always happy to share information, textbooks, websites, etc.

Dirk gave Equius a tiny smile. “Write it down. We’ll answer whatever questions you have. Within the usual limits of course.” he whispered. He could've sworn he saw Hal staring at him out of the corner of his eye but Dirk was too busy getting a read on the room. He always made sure to do that before getting swept up in conversation with Equius, always trying to judge whether or not it would be a good idea to get drunk. The usual limits on the questions were always the same. Dirk wasn't going to give Equius links or sources to anything sexual. Equius was still a minor and Dirk wasn’t about that shit.

Dirk still analyzed the room. A few people, no one familiar which was good. They were all either quietly talking, reading a book or crying softly in the corner. He glanced at Hal, silently asking him for his opinion on the people in the room. Hal gave everyone in the room a slow, slightly uneasy look before leaning close to Dirk.

Dirk decided to ignore the way his heart sped up when Hal got inches away from his ear.

“The guy crying in the corner recently went through a divorce, pretty nasty one. She was fucking his dad, his mom and his brother like she was in a bad porno. He found out looking through pornhub. The people talking over there are trying to figure out if they should rob a bank but I doubt they would. They're basically living the plot of Office Space, 1999. That group over there all got fired from their jobs. Everyone here is depressed and bored with their lives.” Hal whispered and a sinister smirk slowly spread across his face. “I see why you like it.” He said softly, watching the people with morbid entertainment. Like a bratty, fucked up prince getting to torture someone like they’re a simple toy. 

Dirk enjoyed the look. Hopefully that was the tiny sip of alcohol talking or the fact he hasn't been this close to a guy in what, years? Months? Who knows? Not Dirk. He turned back around to face the counter and looked at the napkin full of neatly written questions. Hal looked annoyed at the napkin like it had just stepped on the back of his shoes and Dirk almost laughed. “Humor the kid. He’s just curious.” He whispered and gave Hal a pen. He had learned that Hal’s writing was amazing compared to Dirks and Dirk could write like a fucking badass old timey poet. He watched Equius tend to the patrons for a bit before looking over Hals shoulder, watching him answer the questions. They were all innocent and full of pure childlike curiosity. ‘How tall are you?’ ‘How much do you weigh?’ ‘What model are you?’ ‘How long have you been sentient?’ to which Hal usually responded with ‘6’2”’ ‘None of your business.’ ‘Irrelevant.’ ‘Again, none of your business.’ so Dirk just ended up taking the pen from Hal and replacing his answers with nice ones which seemed to confuse Hal instead of annoy him.

“Why are you so nice to this.. Child?” Hal asked, sounding so irritated and confused like he really couldn't figure it out. It startled Dirk a bit. It was like Dirk was a bitch of an oracle that told him some vague ass shit when Hal asked an important question. Although the real question at hand made him frown a bit.

“He’s a kid with questions about something I know a lot about. Plus, Equius is sweet,” Hal looked like he was about to punch him, “and he’s a good kid. Why are you so pissy?” Dirk asked quietly, getting closer despite all his nerves saying fuck no. He didn’t want to disturb the silence in the bar.

Hal didn't really seem why he was so pissy either, looking for an answer. “He’s annoying and looks like he fucks horses for a living and I’m not pissy, you are.” Hal practically hissed but even Hal seemed unwilling to disturb the silence. Dirk sighed, frustrated. Honestly, Hal sounded like a bratty child and if there was one thing Dirk knew for sure, it was that he sucked at caring for brats. Dirk took a long sip of his drink. He wasn't going to let Hal ruin his good mood.

“Don’t ruin my night, Hal. You can bitch all you want when we get back to my apartment but not right now.” He whispered, voice cold and steady. He gave Hal one of his ‘this conversation is over’ glares and answered the rest of the questions on the napkin. Once Equius was done tending to the patrons, he came back and looked over the answers, practically shaking with excitement. Hal looked unamused and bored by the mere existence of Equius but after living for years with the most stoic and emotionally constipated man alive, Dirk knew that was just a dumb act to make someone feel like shit. 

Dirk looked back to Equius who looked close to jumping up and down before he stuffed the napkin in his apron pocket, mouthing a ‘thank you’ to Dirk. Dirk just gave him a small smile in return and watched as Equius went back to work. Dirk was always most expressive at the bar. Due to the silence of the bar, he kinda had to to get points across. Also, Dirk couldn't help but smile at Equius. The kid was just so damned precious sometimes, it made him wanna pinch his cheeks and talk about how young he was but he tried that once when he was extremely drunk and Equius almost passed out from blushing so much.

Dirk thought he saw Hal glaring at Equius but he decided to ignore it.

A few drinks later, Dirk had a happy buzz going on. He could tell he was going to be slurring a bit and wobbly but he didn't really care, determined to get home and to his shower before the buzz wore off. As he was leaving with Hal, he gave Equius a friendly wave goodbye and a smile. Before he could tell if Equius returned the wave, Hal grabbed his wrist and dragged him away. Literally. Dirk took a solid, embarrassing minute to get his feet back under him and stumbled along with Hal, confused but he couldn't ask questions due to the fact he was currently extremely focused on avoiding the cracks on the sidewalk and not falling on his face.

Once they got a ways away from the bar, Hal slowed down, giving Dirk a minute to steady his unruly legs, glaring at them like he had no idea why they weren't working properly. Which was true. He had no god damn idea why his legs weren't cooperating like they usually did. Dirk had to put his hand on Hals shoulder for support as they began the slow walk to his apartment, Hal occasionally having to catch Dirk when he tripped which always made Dirk giggle at how strong Hal was.

As they walked in the quiet, Dirk held Hal’s hand, swinging their intertwined hands, occasionally stopping to study Hal’s hand with a look of bewilderment. If Dirk wasn't drunk, he would've said that Hal looked incredibly nervous but Dirk was drunk so he didn’t say that. Eventually, Dirk slowed to a stop, a mix between a pout and a frown on his face. A prown, if you will. Or frout if you're nasty.

“Hal, why did you get so grumpy wumpy in the burr…. The buurrrrrrrrr…. The berrrr… rrr….r…” he trailed off, hoping Hal understood what he was saying. Instead of giving Dirk a straight answer, Hal just seemed to get pissy again.

“I wasn't being grumpy! I was being a perfectly ratio-” Dirk decided his feet hurt so he turned Hal around, put his hands on Hals shoulders and jumped on like this was normal.

“Quit being a bitch and carry me home, whore.” Dirk mumbled. He had forgotten how mean he got when he had the nice buzz of alcohol in his system. Hal grunted when Dirk suddenly jumped on but held Dirks legs, giving him a piggyback ride to his apartment. Dirk ended up closing his eyes and resting his cheek on the back of Hals head, listening to the sound of his steps. Before Dirk knew it, he was being gently placed on his bed and Dirk instinctively pulled Hal onto the bed with him, rubbing his face against Hals neck, cuddling him. Two arms wrapped tightly around Hal’s chest and one leg was hiked up on Hal’s waist.

Hal let out some sort of shocked noise and tensed up under him. He didn't care. He needed a cuddle buddy. Well, thats what he thought until he remembered his shower from heaven and jumped up. “I gotta showered!” He declared happily and stumbled to the bathroom, stripping on his way there. He was down to his boxers by the time he got there, turning on the shower head, happily swaying and giggling as he waited for the water to heat up. Hal was suddenly in the doorway, some emotion on his face that tipsy Dirk couldn't decipher. “Officer Strider, I don't think its safe to shower while in this state. You could slip and fall or-” Dirk cut Hal off by throwing his boxers at his face. Surprisingly, he still had good aim even when tipsy. He got in the shower, pouting. He always tended to act like a stone cold bitch when someone tried to stop him from doing something while he was tipsy. Someone once told him to put his shirt back on so he spit in their face. He grabbed his phone out of his pants pocket with his dry hand and started playing songs from the musical, Chicago. One of his favorites. Cell Block Tango started playing so Dirk sang along as he got wet. Hal was still standing in the doorway, eye twitching, Dirks boxers at his feet. They were a light blue with cute oranges on them. It was his favorite pair. Dirk started washing his hair, giggling at the lines in the song occasionally as Hal still stood in the doorway, giving Dirk a death glare. Dirk just pouted at him and narrowed his eyes behind his shades. “Butt face.” he mumbled and huffed

That seemed to piss Hal off more but Hal didn't say a word as he walked over and hesitated before stripping and getting into the shower, washing Dirks hair gently. Dirk almost immediately went to putty in Hals hands, letting Hal wash him. Occasionally, Dirk would smack Hals hand if he tried to use the wrong shampoo or soap which always earned him a sharp elbow to the ribs to which Dirk would call Hal names like a kid before bursting into giggles. This continued until Hal literally had to carry Dirk out of the shower. Hal dried him off, dried his hair, got him dressed and even helped him brush his teeth.

As soon as Hal picked him up to carry him to bed, Dirk clung to him. When Hal tried to set him on the bed, Dirk wouldn't budge.

“Officer Strider, let go. You need to sleep.”

Dirk pouted and just tightened his grip. “Fuck you, no!”

There was a sigh. “Officer Strider.” Hal said sternly

Dirk hid his face against Hals neck. “Only if you pinky promise to stop calling me Officer Strider. Its weird.” he mumbled, voice muffled by synthetic skin. He could feel Hal stiffen under him and subconsciously ran his nails along Hal’s back, trying to get him to relax again. After what felt like minutes, but like really long minutes, Hal sighed.

“Fine. D…. Dirk, could you please let go….?” He asked, sounding so sweet and quiet as he struggled to say Dirks first name. Dirk just giggled and let go, flopping on to the bed. Hal spent a while tucking him in but before Hal could so much as turn around to leave, Dirk grabbed his wrist and yanked him onto the bed, cuddling him. Hal made a series of protests but they fell on deaf ears, seeing as how Dirk was already fast asleep. His head was resting on Hal’s chest, leg once again hiked up on Hal’s waist and arms once again holding Hal’s chest tightly like he was cuddling a giant teddy bear. The last thing Dirk remembered was the feeling of Hal’s fingers massaging his scalp and sending small bouts of electricity down his spine.


	6. ^Software Instability^

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hal gets a lil robojealous and experiences emotions for the first time

Hal was not happy with how the nights events turned out. He was currently sitting in the worlds most awkward bar in the world. ‘But Hal, how do you know it’s the most awkward bar in the world?’ Because he was an android with constant access to the entire fucking internet, he knew what awkward was and this was it. It didn’t help that the entire walk there, Officer Strider was silent and… Content. It was an odd look and Hal didn’t enjoy it. It looked weird on Officer Strider. It made him feel like something was going wrong in the wiring in his stomach and it made it impossible to break the peaceful silence. He had told himself he wasn’t breaking the silence because he didn’t want to risk hurting his perfect voice box in a useless conversation.

But right now, Hal was worried. Someone in the corner was beginning to stand up, obviously intoxicated and angry but the very young bartender shot them a lot, causing them to sit their ass down. The teen at the bar was Equius Zahhak and holy fuck this was a big teen. The teen greeted Dirk, looking friendly which made Hal want to gag. Why did this kid know Dirk and why weren’t they arresting him? Zahhak was just seventeen so this was hella wrong! First, this was a CHILD serving people ALCOHOLIC DRINKS and two, oh THEY WERE FUCKING COPS AND THIS WAS ILLEGAL! He gave Dirk a confused look, feeling… Warm. Very warm. Not a good warm either. He tried his best to get the words ‘why the fuck arent you arresting this child’ across with just his facial expression. In the corner of his eye, he saw Equius give Dirk a confused look as well but it looked so disgustingly caring. Like he fucking knew Dirk or something. He wanted to puke.

What really made him want to puke was the tiny sliver of a smile Dirk gave Equius, a child doing something very illegal just in case everyone forgot. Dirk looked.. Happy. Calm. It made him think of being in a small but comfortable room at night, a small but bright candle sitting behind someone beautiful who was remembering something bittersweet while the cotton curtains quietly flowed and a nice cool breeze came it. There was no darkness in the room besides there only being one candle, the walls were nice yet old and a beige color that made you feel indifferent instead of disgusted like the color of coffee with a lot of cream, the floor was made of old wood and the ceiling was a little low. Everything was old and used and you could practically taste the happy memories in the air of children playing and breaking things by accident and the absolute love and everything was perfect and beautiful and soft.

It made Hal sick to his stomach when he saw that fucking look on Dirks face. It made him want to leave but he didn’t. He barely heard what Dirk said but obediently sat next to him at the bar when silently asked to, ignoring the way his dumb body felt light and tight when Dirk leaned in close, his weirdly hot human mouth inches away. 

“Relax. I know Equius is underage but leave him be, okay? He needs the cash and will turn eighteen in November I believe. Just let this slide.” Dirk whispered to him, close so no one would hear.

Hal should hate this.

He should leave.

He should push Dir- Officer Strider away and leave and ask for a new partner.

Hal should despise every second of this like it was hell.

But he didn’t. He suddenly felt so cold when Dirk moved away and it took all of his power not to drag him back and hold him in his arms forever, tucked away from the horrors of the outside world. He wanted to give Dirk his life and more, he wanted to live and die for him, he wanted to suffer for him, he wanted to kill for him, he wanted to steal him away and keep him, he wanted to  _ worship _ him.

Hal was so scared. What was going on? Why was he feeling this way? Why was he feeling in the first place? He barely knew Officer Strider, he shouldn’t be feeling this way. He snapped out of his thoughts and was brought back to the land of the living by Dirk speaking in he softest tone. He could barely process what Dirk was saying. There was something wrong with his system. He stared at Dirk, trying to think as to why the fuck this was happening. Dirk was a human. Nothing more. Dirk was likely not to have a major impact on anything, he was depressed and rude, he was so sadistic, he was sociopathic when it came to adults, he had no sense of right or wrong, he was so stupid, he took his one friend for granted, he was so morally grey that he’d make a psychologist a philosopher and then make that philosopher some dumbass that knew nothing about anything.

He felt furious and confused. Why was this happening? Why him? Why? Why why why why? Why did Hal feel too tight in his own body when Dirk smiled at Equius? Why did he feel sick to his stomach when he noticed someone thrive under Dirks attention? Why did he want to take Dirk away and hide him forever? Why did he want to scream and throw a fit at the thought of someone else being Dirks partner?

But that pretty face brought him back to present times with a silent question that Hal was happy to answer. A simple question of ‘who do you think these people are?’ and the simple question gave him an opportunity. An opportunity to get into Dirks personal space. Which he did and took his sweet fucking time giving everyone a good look over before answering.

“The guy crying in the corner recently went through a divorce, pretty nasty one. She was fucking his dad, his mom and his brother like she was in a bad porno. He found out looking through pornhub. The people talking over there are trying to figure out if they should rob a bank but I doubt they would. They're basically living the plot of Office Space, 1999. That group over there all got fired from their jobs. Everyone here is depressed and bored with their lives..” He whispered and let a smile spread across his face. Humans were such cute playthings. “I see why you like it here.” He finished and looked around the room, watching people cry. They were all so fragile..

Hals eyes landed back on Dirk when he turned to face the bar once more. He followed Dirks gaze and saw a napkin… With tons of dumb fucking questions covering it.

For some reason, Dirk thought his annoyed look was funny and laughed which made Hal’s stomach tighten uncomfortably. “Humor the kid. He’s just curious.” Dirk whispered to him which just made Hal feel tight and warm. He quietly scoffed to himself and began writing down answers that got straight to the point but after the first one he noticed Dirk watching Equius. It pissed him off. He didn’t know why but he now hated this kid so he started writing down bitchy and snarky answers just to be a dick. He didn’t understand why Dirk was so nice to this child. Hal was smart, fast, strong and he could bartend too! Equius was a child doing something illegal and was probably very dumb and just trying to get into Hals pants. The thought of Equius trying to fuck Dirk made him shake with anger which confused him which just made him more angry as a small notification popped up but Hal ignored it. It was normal to feel this way about your partner. Right? This was just his programming, nothing else. It was normal.

Hal felt Dirks eyes looking over his shoulder and felt a wave of guilt wash over him. Equius was just a dumb teen and Dirk was smart. He should be able to do whatever he wanted. Hal then felt even more guilty when Dirk took the pen away from him and scratched out his snarky answers, writing down the correct ones in his dumb human handwriting. Why was Dirk trying to spare Equius’s feelings??

“Why are you so nice to this… Child?” He asked and felt confused, wanting an answer. Maybe when he got an answer that would stop all these… Feelings.

“He’s a kid with questions about something I know a lot about. Plus, Equius is sweet,” Hal gritted his teeth and clenched his fists at that, “and he’s a good kid. Why are you so pissy?” Dirk asked and got closer which just made Hal’s synthetic skin crawl with what felt like disgust. This was disgusting. He felt sick. He felt confused, mad and sick.

“He’s annoying and looks like he fucks horses for a living,” the look on Dirks face made him feel tight again, “and I’m not pissy, you are.” He hissed quietly, not wanting to make a scene. Why the hell did Dirk care about Equius so much? Why?? They had practically no history, they barely knew anything about each other, and Equius was gross and sweaty! The conversation made his head feel like it was shrinking and his stomach hurt and he felt like he was going to vomit his entire internal structure out right onto the bar and with the way Dirk was acting, he was sure he wouldn’t even care, probably just tell him to shove it back in a leave. Dirks next words made him cold.

“Don’t ruin my night, Hal. You can bitch all you want when we get to my apartment but not right now.” Dirk said, sounding like a damn android.

This wasn’t fair.

This was not fair.

Hal just felt cold. Really cold. Like Dirks words came to life and shoved ice down his throat then beat him up. Hal watched closely as Dirk answered the rest of the questions on the napkin, ignoring the glare he was given. He didn’t understand. Why were humans so complicated?? Why couldn’t they just answer the questions they were asked in a coherent manner and not like some shitty oracle from a greek myth that just gave him a shittily vague answer to an important question, like what the fuck is up with that? Hal would have to make a list of traits Dirk shared with oracles. Maybe design it like that old and shitty website that always did bad and weird quizzes like ‘what type of bagel are you’. Buzfed? Betfood? Something like that. He kinda spaced out when Equius came back over, looking away as he mentally designed the shittiest paper in history, comparing Dirk to many famous oracles. Hal even began a small checklist of books he would have to download later but he always wanted to read from a real book. A good weird one young humans were forced to read in school because they were important to understanding society or something dumb like that when in reality old people just wanted to desperately get people to read the books they have read so they wouldn’t have to change. Baby Boomers they were called. They did enjoy their manipulation tactics. 

Hal pulled himself out of his own mind when he saw Dirk looking at Equius so…. Humanly. Why did he keep smiling at Equius but always glared at Hal? Was it something he did? Did Hal need to start acting like a seventeen year old? He stared at Equius, trying to see what different and what was better. Equius was taller and stronger.. Maybe Hal needed to request a body change.

Hal watched Dirk drink. And drink. And drink. And guess what? Drink. Well, Dirk did seem to take in a lot less alcohol than the other patrons but that didn’t make Hal any less concerned about his liver. Why did humans damage themselves so much just for some relief? He would never know. He kinda got it… Not really. Why didn’t they just do healthy things that made them feel good? Humans were odd and inferior.

As they were leaving, Dirk turned and gave Equius a friendly wave and a smile. Dirk looked… Peaceful. Happy. Like a human that was waving goodbye to their crush or something.. The thought nearly made Hal explode. Literally. His stress levels were quit high and he really wanted to make sure Dirk got home before he exploded. Priorities. Hal yanked Dirk away maybe a little bit rougher than he needed to and started walking quickly, not letting go of Dirks wrist. He just wanted to leave. He didn’t want to see that dumb kid again. Although, the sound of Dirk drunkenly walking was kinda funny. The occasional startled yelp of almost falling, the sound of his shoes scuffling, everything. It helped him calm down. Hal was the one that got invited to Dirks personal home, not Equius. He ended up slowing down to accommodate Dirk’s drunken pace. Dirk kept saying he was just tipsy but he was drunk. Hal could’ve done something cool like turn his finger into a quick breathalyzer and take Dirks BAC but that would be fucking dumb. Why would they make his fucking finger into a breathalyzer? Is he gonna straight up finger someones fucking mouth to see if they’re drunk? No, that’s fucking dumb. 

As they walked, Hal kept a close eye on Dirk, making sure he didn’t faceplant and break his nose or something. Humans were so fragile sometimes. He had to catch Dirk a few times which Dirk seemed to find funny until Dirk suddenly stopped walking, looking at the ground with a confused look like he was wondering why it was there. Dirk stayed silent for a while and Hal opened his mouth to ask why Dirk stopped when he got interrupted. Bitch. 

“Hal, why did you get so grumpy wumpy in the…. The uh….the burrrrrrr….. The beerrrrr….? Buuuurrrrr……..rrrrr……..rrrr…..r…. Bur.” He slurred, looking up at Hal. 

Hal frowned. He wasn’t grumpy! “I wasn’t being grumpy! I was being perfectly ratio-” Dirk suddenly grabbed Hal by the shoulders, turned him around and jumped on his back which made Hal almost let out a surprised squawk. He has never been more thankful for control over his vocal cords.

“Quit bein’ a bitch and carry me home, whore.” Dirk said, sounding like a grumpy child. Hal grunted in annoyance but grabbed Dirks legs, giving him a piggyback ride.

 

Hal continued walking with Dirk on his back, stewing quietly. He wasn’t being grumpy at the bar! He was being an android, he was being indifferent! He was as cool as a fucking cucumber! Actually no, COOLER than a cucumber! Like, Lady fucking Justice herself wishes she could be as cool as he was at the bar! He was so god damn indifferent and cool that he could straight up replace the fucking ice caps himself. He was so cool and indifferent, he had people straight up begging to give them his opinion! Which he never gave because he didn’t have one. That's how fucking cool and indifferent he was.

Before he could continue this ridiculous rant, Dirk rested his cheek on the back of Hals head. It calmed him down. Dirk didn’t mean to be rude, he was just intoxicated and upset. It wasn’t Dirks fault. Nothing was. Hal continued walking, taking mental notes about the street. There were so many cracks, it was a tripping hazard. There were a few other drunk people walking together but they didn’t pay attention to Hal, all too busy laughing and having fun while destroying their livers. Odd, odd humans. Hal soon arrived at Dirks little apartment and managed to get the key out of Dirks pocket despite Dirk smacking Hal’s hand away every time he got close to getting the key and would just squeeze Hal tightly if he tried to set him down. This was ridiculous. Hal carried Dirk inside after getting the key off of him and shut the door with his foot, taking a moment to observe the living space.

It was a mess. It was hardly a living space. There were two asleep androids in the corner who didn't even flinch when Hal arrived. They made him nervous. There was spare parts all over the place, it looked worse than any crime scene Hal had seen… Which wasn’t many but still. There were weird… piles. Of hats, clothes, anything. He heard some humans made little piles when they were too lazy to put things in their rightful place and some humans enjoyed making soft piles to sleep on but this.. This was weird and that was coming from an android that just discovered emotions. There were little.. Pony figurines and stacks of pony themed movies/tv shows near the tv, there were a few framed photos of Miss Lalonde but not much of Dirk or family. The other androids kept creeping him out.. Were they dead? Why were there so many puppets?

Hal shook his head to try and get rid of the weird thoughts and carried Dirk around, looking for the bedroom which he found pretty quickly. He laid Dirk down on the bed and was about to leave when he was grabbed and yanked down.

Dirk had thoroughly trapped Hal with his body. This was it. This was when Hal died. This was all a ruse. He was going to get torn apart and sold for parts. He was going to be drained to fuel the other androids in the living room. Or he was going to join the androids in the living room. This is it. He should begin writing a eulogy. ‘Dear Hal9000 was such a good android. Murdered brutally/sold for parts/disappeared mysteriously. We will miss-’ Hal got cut off from writing his own eulogy when Dirk suddenly got up.

“I gotta showered!” Dirk slurred and let go of Hal, running off to what Hal assumed was the bathroom, taking off his clothes on the way. Hal contemplated continuing to write his own eulogy but decided against it, getting up to follow Dirk. It was in his programming to protect Dirk at all costs and showered while drunk didn’t seem to be a good idea. He stood in the doorway of Dirks bathroom, frowning when he saw the shower already turned on. How fast could Dirk move? “Officer Strider, I don't think its a good idea to shower while in this state. You could slip and fall or-” Hal got cut off by a pair of boxers hitting his face…...

Great.

Perfect.

_ Fine.  _

Hal slowly opened his eyes, having closed them after getting shot in the face with undergarments. He stared at Dirk, watching him grab his phone with his least wet hand and started playing music. Chicago, 2002. Rude. Dirk made eye contact with Hal so Hal decided to try his best to convey all of the rage and urges of murder he was feeling into his gaze. Dirk seemed unaffected and pouted.

“Butt face.” Dirk mumbled and huffed, going back to showering

Hal could just leave. Leave Dirk by himself like he so wanted and shut down on his couch. He could just leave. Let Dirk slip and fall. But no. He didn’t want Dirk to slip and fall and break something like a dumbass so Hal forced himself to calm down as he took off his jacket, shoes and socks before walking right up to the shower, hesitating before getting in.

He began helping Dirk clean up mostly because he was worried Dirk would try to eat soap and well.. He wanted to be right there to catch Dirk if he did slip. Also, he knew humans sometimes enjoyed being washed. It was a calming thing. To be able to rely on someone and Dirk looked like he needed to rely on someone that wasn’t himself for once.

Hal washed Dirk up, elbowing him lightly when Dirk smacked his hands away from the ‘wrong shampoo’ or the ‘wrong soap’. Dumb humans and their dumb routines. It was soap. Use it. But Dirk seemed to be a… soap enthusiast. There was multiple bottles of different kinds, different brands, different smells. Hal made a mental checklist of all of them so he could ask why they were so special later. Dirk kept making drunken comments that Hal was ‘naked’ which was just incorrect. 

After the shower, Hal dried Dirk off, helped him brush his teeth and even got him dressed in some simple old clothes which was the real struggle. When Hal carried Dirk to bed and tried to drop him onto said bed, Dirk wouldn't budge. How was this drunk human so strong? Hal sighed, knowing prying Dirk off would only lead to yelling and tantrums.

“Officer Strider, let go. You need sleep.” He said, hoping the promise of sleep would please Dirks intoxicated mind.

“Fuck you! No!” Dirk slurred. Apparently Dirks intoxicated mind could not be seduced with the promise of sleep. Curses. Hal sighed.

“Officer Strider.” He said sternly, hoping that would help. What followed nearly made Hal explode

“Only if you pinkie promise to stop calling me Officer Strider… ‘s weird..” Dirk slurred quietly, giving Hal a good squeeze. Hal stiffened up, staring down at the bed sheets. What did that mean? Did Dirk consider their relationship casual enough to start calling going by first names? Was Dirk just making dumb drunk comments? Did Dirk consider them friends..? Dirks nails on his back wasn't helping relax his body but it was helping his mind chill the fuck out. He took a deep breath.

 

“Fine. D…. Dirk… could you please let go..?” He asked quietly. This wasn’t about Hal and his weird thoughts. This was about Dirk and getting him to sleep. Dirk giggled and let go, flopping onto the bed, ready to be tucked in which Hal did. He gently adjusted Dirk so he would be comfortable and tucked him in, mind quickly searching  _ how  _ to tuck someone in as he did. Apparently it was just kinda wrapping them in their blanket? Weird but Dirk seemed to enjoy being tucked in. Hal finished tucking Dirk in and was about to walk away to prepare for morning when he was grabbed and yanked into bed, cuddling him. Or what Hal assumed was cuddling. 

“Offi- Dirk, this is highly unprofessional, we shouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed and I was just about to leave to prepare for your hangover in the morning and… Are you even listening? Dirk? Are you seriously asleep? I’ve gotta..” Hal trailed off, noting that Dirk really was asleep. Completely out. Hal sighed and looked down at him. What did humans enjoy while they slept? Hal ran a good mental google search and.. Head rubs..? Okay.. Hal hesitantly laced his fingers in Dirk’s hair and began rubbing his scalp. Other androids said that humans enjoyed tiny bouts of electricity while receiving a head massage so Hal tried it which got him a little squeeze. He’ll take that as a good sign.

He slowly relaxed, focusing on Dirks vitals. There was something calming about watching the fragile humans stomach rise and fall with every breath. Maybe being a little unprofessional wasn’t so bad.


	7. Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoiled kids are still spoiled

Dirk felt sick to his stomach. Probably because he was hungover. Currently, he was drinking coffee in his tiny dumb kitchen. The coffee was full of cream and sugar just like it usually was. He could never stand the bitter taste of coffee. It was just gross. He was trying to remember the events of last night. He went home with Hal. He took a shower. Hal got naked in the shower with him. Then he woke up to the sight of Hal quietly charging himself in the corner… or doing something vaguely similar to charging. His light was a faint blue and he didnt respond to any stimulus. 

Dirk sighed. He wasnt sure what happened last night and he didnt wanna know. Whatever did happen was probably a drunken mistake that Hal just went with because of some programming error. But Hals current lack of responses and lack of.. Life made him very nervous. He could check up on Hal but he was too hungover to focus like that and he could risk hurting the android. He looked over to the androids in the corner. Sawtooth and Squarewave. Two sweet robots he used to use to help with his detective work. He had turned them off after he got demoted to police officer because he could no longer stand the sight of them. Yeah, he made them and he thought of them as his friends but he couldnt bear the have reminders of his past. But they could see whats up with Hal…

He set his coffee cup down and walked over to them, making to step over all the useless shit on the floor. Oh look, his dignity. Never thought he’d find that again. He crouched down next to the smaller android. Squarewave. A nice little android that resembled a small adult. He worked especially hard on him. He powered him up and watched as his messed up eyes lit up. He never did get around to getting him proper eyes, did he?

“Hey Squarewave. I need you to check up on a buddy of mine.” He said quietly when Squarewave was done adjusting. “Hes in my bedroom. I think hes charging.” He helped the little android stand up. Squarewave didnt seem upset or disoriented.

“You made a friend? WOw!!i hope hes gOod at policE woRK!” Squarewave said happily in his weird autotune voice. This is what happens when he made an android purely out of scraps. Dirk just nodded and lead Squarewave to his bedroom, holding the small androids hand while he got reacquainted with his legs. Dirk frowned when he saw that his legs were a bit more wobbly and unsteady that usual. 

Squarewave got to Hal and examined him but the second Squarewave touched Hal, he got grabbed. Hal looked a bit panicked and concerned.

“Woah, hey, relax Hal, Squarewave was just checkin’ you out. Just making sure youre okay.” He said and tried to keep himself from prying Squarewave away from Hal. Squarewave nodded and held up his free hand, making concerned beeps and boops.

Hal frowned. He slowly let go of Squarewave and got up. “You…. You have an illegal android.” Hal said dumbly. Dirk nodded and shrugged.

 

“Yeah but Squarewave is an innocent dude. Used to help me with detective work and training and shit. He sucks at rap battles but he tries. I was concerned you w-” He got cut off by his phone ringing loudly. He never got calls. He frowned and grabbed his phone by the side of his bed. “Hold on a sec.” He mumbled to the two active androids and answered the call as Hal looked at Squarwave like he was a criminal

A few minutes later, he was grabbing his shoes, frantically trying to get ready for work. “Hal! Weve gotten get to the station  _ now! _ ” He almost shouted and grabbed his backpack. “Squarewave uh… Wake up your brother. Stay in the apartment and lay low.” He said and grabbed Hals wrist, dragging him out of the apartment, not even bothering to close to the door.

Hal looked confused. Dirk didnt care to elaborate.

  
  


They got to the station and hell went loose. Those little brats who beat up Jonathon Smith yesterday somehow bruised themselves up and were claiming police brutality. They were claiming that Jonathon had paid them 100 or so bucks to beat them up in that abandoned building. Dirk was furious. Given his past experiences with being too rough with perps, being a dickwad to perps and suspects and his obvious mental health problems, the department was leaning heavily on the kids side. All of this was complete BS. Jonathon was broke as all hell! Where did a fucking kid get 100 bucks?! 

Dirk was sitting in the interrogation room, trying to remain calm and sort out his thoughts. Another officer had told him they were bringing in the team that made Hal so they could review his recent footage. All of it. Since he is nearly always recording what he sees. This just put Dirk in a worse situation. He didnt do shit to the kid but they would see him letting a minor serve alcohol and theyll see whatever Dirk did while drunk last night. He was kinda pissed but letting a minor serve alcohol was better than police brutality on minors. Kind of. If he was letting a minor serve alcohol, who knows what he was doing before Hal came along? Moments like these made him wish he still took his anxiety medication. He knew Hal had it worse than him. If a police android was letting a police officer commit a crime then who knows what else Hal would allow?

He forced himself to take a deep breath to relax. 

He just hoped this wouldnt get on the news. His bro would kill him if that happened…. Well, not kill him but cut him off from his bank account and disown him which was basically the same as killing him. This wasnt 2019. Police brutality wasnt as overlooked now. He would actually be held accountable for his actions. He just hoped they wouldnt scrap Hal. Hal was a good android. His design was amazing and he rarely did anything wrong. 

Dirk took another deep breath, his lungs hurting.

Hal was in way more trouble than he was. Any small mistake could get him scraped or sold off to be a sex android or just sold to a billionaire who wanted extra protection. It wasnt fair but he knew whoever was in charge of Hal was just doing their job. No one could have a faulty police android. No one wanted a faulty police android besides bad people.

Dirk started shaking.

He couldnt stop thinking about Hal in a scrap yard. Scrap yards never fully destroyed the robots so they all suffered to spend the rest of their lives confused and in pain. Thats how he found Sawtooth. He had been wondering around a scrap yard, looking for something to help him make a better computer when he found Sawtooth, missing legs and an arm. His face had been completely ruined, he had to rebuild it from scratch. Sawtooth still couldnt speak even after Dirk found him a fully functional voice box.

Dirk felt cold.

He kept thinking of Hal stuck under hundreds of androids, screaming for help. Hoping someone would come and save him. Getting his vocal cords stolen. Getting his eyes stolen. Having food thrown at him by bratty kids. Having his legs painfully cut o- the door opened,

Dirk looked up, forcing himself to stop shaking. His captain stood there, a tired look on her face. She sat across from him and they sat in silence for a while. Dirk wasnt very good at being empathetic but he could tell she needed the break. 

“They are reviewing Hals footage right now. If you go ahead and confess to whats on that footage then you have a better chance at not getting fired.” She said, voice barely above whispering.

Dirk felt cold.

The type of cold you get when your sitting in the snow and have no intention of going back inside despite hating how cold you are.

The type of cold that made you feel like you were breaking out in hives.

The type of cold that made you feel like you deserve to be cold.

So, Dirk told her everything that happened the second he found that kid. He told her about him telling jokes to make the kid cheer up, he told her about drinking shitty hot cocoa with him, he told her everything. Even accepting alcohol from a minor while knowing he was a minor, his little deal with Equius, getting drunk, waking up with Hal in his bedroom and he even confessed keeping Squarewave and Sawtooth. Everything he could remember, even the minor details.

“Thank you, Mister Strider. Your cooperation is appreciated. I will make sure you will still have some money.” She said quietly when he was done talking and got up, walking towards the door.

Dirk stopped her.

“Ma’am, please remember that Hal attempted to take legal action at that bar but I took advantage of his still developing software and told him it was okay. He shouldnt be punished because of my own idiocy.” He said but didnt get an answer as she left


	8. Bro.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dirk meets his bro and gets a beach house

Dirk woke up in a cold sweat and grabbed his shades, sitting up. Hal was still in the corner. Everything was fine. Hal wasnt being taken away… why was he concerned about that? He didn't feel really attached to the robot. It took him a while to notice that his phone was ringing. That must've been what woke him up from that nightmare..

Dirk grabbed his phone and turned it on, silently grateful Hal had managed to plug it in last night. He cleared his throat so it wasnt obvious he just woke up and answered the phone. “‘Sup-”

“Dirk, you need to come into work like right now!!” Roxys voice shouted from his phone which startled Dirk.

“Jesus Lalonde! Are you being held at gunpoint?” He shouted back. It was a Strider shout that just meant he talked a bit louder than usual.

“Um…. Metaphorically speaking, yes. Someones here to see you.. And you dont really like them..”

Dirk frowned. He didnt like a lot of people. He only really liked Roxy and his androids. Everyone else was either helpful or people he hated.

“Alright, cryptic… Ill come over soon but chill. Tell whoevers there that they better at least buy me some fuckin’ coffee for making me come in on my day off. Bye. Love ya.” He said and hung up, getting out of bed. He knew that getting upset over having to go to work on his day off when his work literally REQUIRED him to be available even on his days off was petty and dumb but he couldnt help but be a little upset. He was really looking forward to doing nothing.

 

He got dressed, washed his face, brushed his teeth, the requirements. As he was styling his hair, which was being extra unruly because Hal didnt let his hair dry before letting him get to bed, Hal got out of his corner and watched him.

 

“... Roxy texted me. She says you are needed back at the station. It is very important. I do not believe you have time to style your hair.” Hal stated plainly. He wasnt.. Robotic which was nice.

 

Dirk sighed and stared at himself in the mirror. He hated going out with unstyled hair. His natural curls always made it difficult for people to take him seriously. So, he did something he swore to never do. He grabbed a hair tie, smoothed his hair back and put it in a bun. Not a man bun, he wasnt a fucking heathen. A real, true, ballerina bun. Not a single hair out of place. He knew it would get ruined in an hour but this was better than his hair curling and getting in his face. As he grabbed his things, he didnt notice the small blush on Hals face.

  
  


At the station, the officers seemed to be crowding around Roxys desk, talking to one person. Dirk sighed and put on his best ‘Im hungover and dont wanna be here’ face to get people to leave him alone. Were the lights in here always so bright?

 

Dirk stared at the crowd of people, mentally preparing himself to push his way through the crowd when it struck him. There was an expensive car out front. Roxy said someone he hated was here. People were crowded around Roxys desk.

 

“You have to be shitting me.” He said coldly, glaring at the crowd. A familiar head of striking blond hair appeared from the crowd.

 

Those dumb fucking shades.

 

Those insane asylum white teeth.

 

Those perfectly placed freckles. 

 

That fake tan

 

The pounds of makeup, irony and years of neglecting Dirk Martha Strider.

  
  


“Hey lil man. Lovin’ the bun. Very hipster.”

  
  
  
  


 

 

 

Dirk was sure he was foaming at the mouth as he stared at Dave, years of hatred evident in his eyes. He only knew he was glaring at Dave like he just spent his entire life chasing him for revenge because both Hal and Dave were dead silent. Dave, in the many years Dirk has known him, has never truly been silent except for the few times he felt like completely ignoring Dirk. He knew Hal liked talking when things got awkward only because he didnt understand awkwardness yet but luckily for Hal, he was getting a first hand lesson right at that moment.

 

Dave was wearing a dumb ‘disguise’ to keep people to recognizing him. The classic beige hat and slightly different shades. Surprisingly, it was working. Not a single person stopped by to greet him or take pictures. Either Dave was really good at disguising himself or people were just too busy to notice some random fucking guy. He knew some fuckin boomer would complain about people never taking in the world around them and some english major would make some dumb fucking essay about how they did an ‘experiment’ about how often people pay attention to their surroundings blah blah blah. Dirk fucking hated english majors.

 

Dave finally cleared his throat and opened his mouth to speak but Dirk swiftly interrupted him.

 

“What the fuck are you doing here. Is this a publicity stunt? You wanna get some extra media coverage for hanging out with the first android detective and your gay son? Get those social media points? Get called brave for doing nothing? Because if you take a single picture of me, I will sue your ass into the ground and win and if I dont win and cause you to fall into bankruptcy, I will come back home and ruin your entire fucking life. I will fuck whoever you have vague interest in, I will expose you for your dumb coke addiction and Ill ensure you never  _ ever  _ find peace.” He hissed.

 

Dave sighed and got a sad smile on his face. “Nice to know your insults are still as creative as ever… I actually came to see you. I knew you wouldve skipped town if i had told you so i told Roxy instead and well.. I missed you kiddo.” Dave said quietly but Dirk knew he was lying. This was just to make himself feel better. Dave Strider was a selfish man who didnt care about anything that didnt boost his career.

 

Hal gently set a hand on Dirks shoulder like he was trying to disguise the fact he was holding Dirk back as an act of comfort.

“I think you should wear him out, Dirk. He doesnt seem to be lying. Plus, itll be good to get some closure.” He said, a hesitant smile on his face. It was obvious that he didnt know how to handle the situation.

Dirk simply scoffed and leaned back, crossing his arms. “ Fuck. Closure. But Ill only let him around me so you can learn how to identify an egotistical bastard.” He said and sipped his sugary coffee drink that was basically a milkshake with caffeine because Dirk was a pussy.

 

Dave smiled at Hal, looking tired. “Thanks um.. Hal, right? I read a few articles about you. I cant say i support an android on the force, able to arrest anyone but ill tolerate anyone who gets Dirk to talk to me.”

Hal smiled back. “Oh, Im not allowed to make my own arrests yet. I must be with dirk while Im on duty and follow his orders. I am merely a sort of.. Test run. I cant do a lot of the things many human detectives can like interrogate someone without supervision, lie, attack someone and many more things. If I behave and pass a few tests then I will be able to do most of the things a human detective can. For now, I am similar to a rookie. You shouldnt believe all the articles you read, Mr. Strider. You of all people should know that.” Hal said in his standard ‘Im a peaceful android please dont yell at me’ voice.

Dave raised an eyebrow but before he could speak, Dirk got up. “Lets go for a walk. I need to stretch my legs.” Dirk grumbled, grabbing his drink.

 

As they walked, Dave got visibly nervous.

“Hey kiddo… I did come down here for a reason.. Its about um.. My… boyfriend..” He said quietly, staring at his feet. He looked so ashamed.

Dirk scoffed. “What? Some douche at a strip club gave you herpes and you wanna get him back?”

“No! No, nothing like that.. Kinda…. He is a pole dancer.. But um.. Well, he lives here and um his best friend is mixed up in some shit and he really wants to keep this on the downlow..” Dave said, nervously playing with his hot chocolate.

Dirk sighed and glanced at Hal. “Fine. This is probably illegal but fine. If you pay me… and buy me a beach house. A good one. With its own private beach. Ill send you a few listings.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes yes, i know, i suck. i never really publish a lot but here!  
> i also made a blog on tumblr!  
> https://cynical-pyromaniac.tumblr.com/  
> :)


	9. Green.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hal starts deviating ft. a lot of colors

Right now, you are Hal. Hal, the very first Android policeman! You are proud of this fact. At least, you think you are proud. You aren't sure what you feel most of the time. It is your first time experiencing emotions. You… Feel good. You feel good a lot. The good feeling ranges and the only way you can describe it accurately is with colors. Being around Roxy makes you feel #F5A9F2 and #F7FE2E. Helping others makes you feel #A9F5F2. Being around Dirk….. It makes you feel a lot of colors. #B40404, #F5A9A9, #610B0B, #F2B8CB, and so many more. 

 

Right now though, you return to your normal perspective.

 

Hal feels…. #8B844C about all of this. He suspects that color means queasy and nervous. He is at Dirks brothers boyfriend's apartment. He isn't alone, Dirk and Mr. Dave are there too but it sure does feel like he's alone. Dirk seems to hold a lot of resentment towards Mr. Dave and Mr. Dave is….. stoic. Occasionally he seems nervous but not obviously. He acts like Dirk when he's nervous. The twitchy hands, lip biting, tense shoulders, random and shaky movements, shallow breaths… It was obvious that Mr. Dave wanted to talk but wasn't out of respect for Dirk… or fear of Dirk.

 

Hal didn't understand why people found Dirk so scary. Hal found him kinda.. funny and charming like a small aggressive puppy. Right now though, Dirk was acting much like a very upset teenager. Hal found it… Cute.

 

Hal shook his head to help himself clear his thoughts and knocked on the door in front of him. Apartment number FF 0800. Huh. A lovely candy red… 

 

Hal pulled himself out of his thoughts when a short man opened the door. He wore sweatpants and a sweatshirt, both were #696969 in color. Nice. The man was only 5'5", had fairly unruly looking hair and very dark skin. Maybe he was from Latinx decent but his training told him not to ask. 

 

"Hello Mr. Vantas, Mr. Strider had informed us that you need some help with a friend of yours." He said, giving the man a smile. In return, he got a glare. Why were the Striders always around hostile people??

 

"Yeah, no fuckin shit, Sherlock. Get in here before some fuckers see you." Mr. Vantas grumbled and stepped inside, allowing them in. Dirk stuck close to Hal, both of them examining the place. There was a very sturdy dancing pole in a very nice clean area, in front of a mirror. There were a lot of dishes near the sink and a few clothes strewn about. A few of said clothes looked like they belonged to Mr. Strider but Hal decided not to mention it out of fear that Dirk would genuinely get sick. There was a shelf with a very impressive collection of romantic comedy movies but Hal did not understand why they were in disk form. It was such old and outdated technology… but maybe Mr. Vantas liked the vintage look. Hal memorized all the titles he saw in hopes he could convince Dirk to watch a few with him later. Hal wanted to observe what humans aspired in romantic partners. While he looked around, lifting things up, letting his curiosity run wild, Mr. Vantas and Mr. Strider whispered to each other near the door. Mr. Vantas seemed upset and Mr. Strider had a look on his face that resembled Dirks that night at the bar. #e0bcd7. A quiet, peaceful pink. Hal wondered what if Roxy knew what emotions went with which colors.

 

Synesthesia. The ability to hear colors or associate emotions with colors. Most humans could do it based on memories and such. Hal found it kinda cute. He wrote down all the codes to colors he felt, telling himself he'd email them to Roxy later so she could put words to his feelings.

 

Hal decided to speak up, snapping Mr. Strider out of his pink trance. "Mr. Vantas, could you tell us about your friend?" He asked, lightly touching the disc cases on the shelf. They were well worn but in the same way a treasured book is well worn. Before he could pull one of the cases out, Mr. Vantas's hand gripped his wrist and forced it away from the shelf. Mr. Vantas was surprisingly strong for his looks and height but he was a pole dancer which required a lot of strength.

 

"Don't fucking touch those! Both of you, sit down and stop touching my shit! And my name is Karkat!" Mr. Vantas shouted. His voice was clear and direct, much like Mr. Striders but louder. Hal obediently sat down on the couch next to Dirk. The couch was well us-.................. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


That was definitely a condom. An unused condom thankfully. But it was a condom nonetheless. Hal picked it up and held it out to Mr. Vantas. "I found thi-" before he could finish, Mr. Vantas snatched it away from him and threw it down the hall, his face a #e89797 sort of color. Of course, humans never had very specific colors. They could not be described in hexadecimal colors.

 

"STOP GOING THROUGH MY SHIT!" Mr. Vantas shouted, obviously embarrassed. Mr. Strider stood behind him, a slightly #ffcfcf color on his cheeks. Was that not what Hal was supposed to do..?

 

Dirk had a confused look on his face, unable to see what the mystery object was due to the fact Mr. Vantas had thrown it away so fast but he also looked slightly impressed at Mr. Vantas's speed and throwing distance.

 

"Ooookay then..?" Dirk started, sitting up straight. "Sorry but Hal still hasn't learned a lot of social rules. He's still learning. But could you please tell us why you need our help?" He asked, crossing his arms. Hal quickly mimicked his position, wanting to appear more human and natural.

 

Mr. Vantas sighed, looking nervous. Hal was thankful he expressed emotions so freely and clearly unlike the Strider family. It was much easier to tell what he was thinking like this.

 

"Well, um… I have a friend who's been getting sober and well.." Mr. Vantas trailed off, nervous and upset. This was obviously a close friend. Mr. Strider butted in, finishing Mr. Vantas's sentence.

 

"He's severely injured two people. Enough to put them in the hospital, nearly dead. He's showing zero remorse for his actions and keeps showing up to try something with Karkat. I don't know what he wants and I don't care, I just want him gone and in jail but that's nearly impossible because he's apart of the Makara family. He's also getting friendly with Caliborn," Dirk visibly tensed next to him ", and causing some.. drama within the English family. You remember them, Di-?" Dirk cut off Daves question. Was this just a trend? Cutting people off?

 

"Yes. I remember. The guy I dated for four years and cheated on me nearly everyday of the fucking year and instead of comforting me, you said 'I told you so'. How could I forget." Dirk said bitterly, still as tense as a rock. Maybe tenser. Hal made a mental note to watch a few relaxation videos and read a few articles to find out how to loosen Dirk up.

 

"Listen, I can't do shit against the Makara family. My advice? Get him high again. Completely outcast him. Cut off all ties and move to Hollywood with Dave and keep the lowest profile. Maybe move to Kansas. There's literally nothing there. I…." Dirk took a deep breath, sighing. "I can get in contact with Jake and maybe I can get him to sue. It'll take a lot of work but hopefully it'll land this Makara in jail for just enough time for you to really disappear. I hear Italy is nice." He said and lightly played with a curl that had escaped his bun. He looked quite cute with that hairstyle. Hal took another secret picture of him to add to his growing collection.

 

"You used to date Jake English?" Hal and Mr. Vantas spoke in unison, giving Dirk confused looks. Hal felt #4b6130. Puke green and jealousy. He did not enjoy green. It made him feel horrible. It was a bad feeling. Feeling green felt bad. He did not understand why he was feeling green at this new information. Maybe it was because this Jake English hurt Dirk so much. Dirk was smart and caring, he did not deserve to be hurt and cheated on. He did not deserve someone like **_Jake English_** ** _._** He deserved riches, happiness, a faithful partner that did not have an ugly green name. No no…. **_Jake English_** **_did not deserve_** ** _Dirk Martha Strider._**

 

Hal snapped out of his disgusting green haze when Dirk started talking again.

 

"Yeah. Famous kid plus famous kid equals horrible relationship. He cheated on me hundreds of times, lied, manipulated, everything. Wasn't fun. But, I'm sure I can convince him to sue Makara and get you safely away from this… mess. I also suggest any of your friends that are in association with Makara to leave as well. They fuckin rule this place and they'll take you down if they do please. I have some ties in Texas too, I can get a few people to put you in witness protection and you can still… pole dancer or whatever you do." He said and sighed.

 

See?

 

Dirk was willing to talk to a man that cheated on him, lied to him and manipulate him for a guy who was dating his brother who he also did not like.

Dirk was a true saint.

Dirk didnt have to do this and yet he was.

**_Jake English wasn't even worthy of talking to_ ** **_him._ **

**_Jake English didn't deserve to be around_ ** **_him._ **

**_Jake English was trash._ **

**_Jake English was an ugly, horrible green on the beautiful_ ** **_orange_ ** **_tapestry that was_ ** **_Dirk._ **

**_Jake English was less than a cockroach compared to_ ** **_Dirk._ **

**_Jake English was horrible._ **

**_He was horrible._ **

**_He was a liar._ **

**_A cheater._ **

**_A slut._ **

**_A whore._ **

**_A manipulator._ **

**_A_ ** **_criminal._ **

  
  


Hal finally noticed he was overheating when Dirk hit him with a wooden cooking spoon. Hal blinked a few times, taking in his surroundings before he noticed the concerned look on Dirks face and the scared look on Mr. Vantas's and the protective look on Mr. Striders.

 

"Hal? You with us? You gotta stand up man, come with me to the kitchen. I'm gonna cool you off, okay?" He asked. His arm was bright red. The skin was burnt. Did Hal do that…?

 

Hal obediently got up, his system overheating. His fans were shut off and his internal temperature was….. Hot. His system was too hot to calculate anything. He could barely speak as Dirk lead him to the kitchen, holding his hands with oven mitts on, walking with him like he was a child learning how to walk. Hal didn't mind the attention but it was hard to savor it. Before he knew it, Dirk him laying on the cool counter, a few ice packs on important parts of his body. His chest, his stomach, his head and his neck. He hadn't even noticed that most of his clothes were gone. Once he reached a cooler temperature and was safe to touch, Dirk performed a sort of cranial nerve exam on him. Making sure his eyes worked, his sensors weren't damaged, the works. Hal was having a hard time processing what was going on but he just knew Dirk had his full attention on him and that made Hal feel good.

 

"-Hal? Hal, I need you to pay attention to me right now. I need you to sit up and tell me how you feel." Dirk told him, the same concerned look on his face.

 

Hal did what he was told, slowly moving his limbs and testing himself. His software was okay, his system wasn't fucked, he could.. kinda see. Everything was a bit too bright and it hurt. Everything else felt perfectly fine though.

"I believe I am okay. Nothing hurts, my system is fine. It is a bit bright in here though." He said and blinked slowly. Someone turned off the lights and Dirk stayed in front of him, continuing to give him that concerned look he was starting to enjoy.

 

"Can you tell us what happened? Why you started overheating? Did something upset you?" Dirk asked quietly and lightly touched Hal's face, checking his temperature and testing his reactions. Hal enjoyed the touches. Dirks hands were so soft. Hal committed Dirks fingerprints to memory.. Huh. It took a few seconds longer than usual.

Hal wasn't sure he should tell Dirk why he started overheating. He didn't know why he shouldn't, he just felt like he shouldn't.

 

"I am not sure. It seems my systems overloaded as I tried to figure out different plans and research these two individuals. Maklish and…" Hal wasn't sure why the names were escaping him. They were important people. He was supposed to see one soon.

The thought of seeing this mystery person make his stomach hurt and it made his body start heating up again.

 

"Alright, I'm taking you home. You're getting a day off." Dirk said, looking over at… someone. Hal couldn't take his eyes off Dirk. He heard a voice he knew. He knew who was in the room but they were a shadow person currently. Hal did not bother to even try identifying them. He did not want to look away from Dirk. Hal blinked a few times when sunglasses were put on his face and he was lead outside, holding an ice pack against his chest. He wasn't sure where he was going or where he was currently. It didn't exactly matter. He did not care.

 

He was slowly but surely regaining his senses by the time they got to the apartment. He could identify other people he previously knew and see faces instead of just shadow people. He could also absorb his surroundings in. He was at home. With Dirk. His ice pack wasn't there anymore. Shame. He was getting attached to it. He was going to name it Earnest. That was a very human thing to do. Hal blinked a few times, realizing he could not think and look around at the same time. He could not process his surroundings and think at the same time. That was..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Hal opened his eyes. He was sitting in a corner. It was dark. Dirk was curled up against his side. It was 11:45pm. He did not know how he got from Mr. Vantas's apartment to Dirks. He did not know what happened after Dirk had spoken about two criminals. Hal checked his systems, going easy on himself. He had a shut down right when Dirk mentioned someone's name. His mood chart was… A color he could not identify. It was a bad color though. Hal could tell that much. He could not place it's code or what color it was or even what it really looked like but he just knew it was bad. 

 

Hal looked down at Dirk and frowned when he saw a burn on his arm. Dirk must've tried something stupid and completely human. Hal smiled at the thought and lightly tapped Dirks head, trying to wake him up. Dirk snorted when he was startled awake and groaned as he sat up, stretching about.

 

Hal was thankful he was able to record that. Dirk seemed to notice that Hal was awake and quickly got a familiar expression on his face but Hal could not place when Dirk made that expression.

"Hal? You okay? You collapsed in the living room when we got home. Can you remember anything?" Dirk asked. His voice was… soothing. It had a lovely tone to it but Hal did not like seeing Dirk in such distress.

"I remember going to Mr. Vantas's apartment and then crashing when you mentioned a certain name of a criminal. I can not recall who but they did not make me feel good. I do not remember anything beyond that but my system reports that I crashed and traveled from Mr. Vantas's apartment to yours. There is a color I do not recognize on my mood chart. Oh. Since I have been experiencing emotions lately, I made myself a mood chart so I could track my emotions for my supervisors to examine at a later date. Although, I do not know this color, I can not describe it and I do not know it's hexadecimal code. Looking at it for too long makes my system… upset so to speak. Much like looking at something gross makes you upset." Hal explained and tilted his head. "Would you like me to recount the details leading up to my crash?" He asked. Dirk looked very upset and Hal wanted to help. Dirk shook his head, gently touching Hal's face. Dirks hands were nice.

"No no, I think I know what happened. Um… Hal. Have you been experiencing.. jealousy? It's a bad emotion. Maybe you felt it when I was talking with Equius at the bar?" Dirk asked nervously.

Hal blinked a few times. An unknown part of him was telling him to lie but Hal was not supposed to lie. He was supposed to tell the truth no matter what..

He shouldn't lie.

But he didn't want to tell the truth..

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"No. I have not experienced any bad emotions like that as far as I can tell."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi yes I know I suck at uploading consistently  
> Please feel free to visit my Tumblr blog and ask me questions!  
> https://cynical-pyromaniac.tumblr.com  
> I'm also on mobile currently so I'm sorry if the formatting is hella weird!


	10. Romcoms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it gets romantic

  
  
  
  
  


Right now, you are Dirk. Well, actually, you are the reader. Congratulations. You are witnessing Dirks point of view. You, the reader, are slightly upset with the author who does not seem to update regularly but you understand. Life gets in the way. You are getting concerned that the story will remain like this the whole time but do not be afraid, it will not. Last chapter, Hal told a big lie for the first time and experienced extreme jealousy.

  
  
  


Dirk frowned to himself, shaking his head. He wasn't sure why but it felt as though someone had taken over the narrative or something. Whatever that meant. He was too anxious at the moment to even think about that. He had been stressing over Hal the past few hours. He suspected Hal was experiencing jealousy or protectiveness or something like that but wasn't telling the truth or simply couldn't identify the emotions. Hal had seemed perfectly fine and stable until Dirk had mentioned Jake, his former 'lover'. He hated that word. Jake did not fit that description. He did not hate Jake, in fact, he was still friends with him but…. Dirk wasn't sure. He didn't like thinking about it too long. He was scared he was going to find something out about himself that should've stayed buried deep inside. He never liked thinking about Jake for too long. It always stressed him out. He preferred to keep blaming himself for not being a good boyfriend. They were teenagers and Dirk didn't have the same sex drive Jake did, of course he cheated all the time. Dirk was far too intense and attached anyway. 

 

Deep breath. He shoved his thoughts aside.  _ One thing at a time. _

 

He was honestly worried about Hal. He didn't want him to get scrapped or discontinued. He thought having androids in the police force was a good idea but having an android becoming attached to their partners… No. This was wishful thinking. Hal wasn't getting attached to him. That was just his lonely and touch starved brain taking over. Hal must have just gotten a small glitch or something. Maybe thinking about how to help Karkat was just too much on his delicate system.

 

He forced himself back to reality. He was in his apartment. It smelled….. like his apartment. It was late but Dirk had a nice cold Monster energy drink next to him. Hal was sitting on his couch, watching TV. No one was in need of assistance. They were not being shot at. It was safe. Dirk sighed quietly, running a hand through his hair. His arm really stung.. Hal had overheated so much he had burned Dirks arm. It wasn't bad. Dirk had put some aloe vera on it and the color was going down quickly. If he wrapped it before he slept then he should be good.

 

He should probably access Hal's memories… He could get Sawtooth to do it but.. Sometimes Sawtooth wasn't so co-operative. Sawtooth wasn't a snitch. But, he would know if something was wrong… But there was another issue. What if Hal didn't let Sawtooth access those memories? What if Hal's constant recording had stopped when he crashed? What if he was corrupted and having Sawtooth get to his memories made it worse?  What if there was just a blank space? What if Hal was hiding something? What if- Shut up!! Anything is possible, life is chaos! 

 

Dirk shuddered like he was trying to get his anxiety off. Hed just review Hals footage himself and see if there were any problems…..

 

Oh my god.

He was such an idiot.

He could just look at Hals fucking mood chart to see what emotions he was experiencing when he crashed. He would really enjoy it if he could actually use his brain at some point.

 

“Hey Hal. do you think you could upload your mood chart to my computer along with your footage near the moment you crashed? I think I could find out a lot about whats going on if I examined it.” he said, looking over at Hal who was watching a romcom. Dirk wasnt sure why but seeing him look at the TV with such interest made his stomach do weird flips

 

“Hm? Oh. Yes. I can send you the footage leading up to my crash and my mood chart but i am unsure on whether or not the colors will even be present on your computer as i cannot identify them myself but you are more than welcome to try.” Hal said, his eyes unfocusing for a minute before refocusing.

“You should have just received my system status, footage and mood chart leading up to my crash. If you find something out, please tell me.” Hal said. He sounded…. Different. Like…. A romantic lead in a weird romance movie. Like he was trying to be seductive and sexy but it was obviously not working.

Dirk forced himself not to laugh. “Hey Hal… Why are you watching a romcom? I didnt think youd enjoy that type of movie.” He said, getting up from his chair. He went over to the couch, drink in hand as he sat next to Hal. maybe his work could wait..

 

Hal shrugged, watching Dirk intensely. “I wanted to see what humans looked for in partners. So far, these movies seem to be… unrealistic even to me. There is an extremely low chance a hardworking woman would just uproot her life for a guy who doesnt even seem to know basic hygiene but I am not an expert as I havent been in a relationship before.” Hal explained, remaining still as he spoke. His system mustve been too tired to worry about seeming human

 

Dirk snorted and rolled his eyes. “Yeah because this movie was made by a straight white dude. They like to think that women adore guys who are subpar at BEST. that or they think that if they make enough movies portraying this is the ideal then it will indeed become the ideal. Unfortunately, sometimes they succeced but i tend not to worry about it much.” He said, moving closer to Hal so he could grab the remote. “Let me show you an actually good movie that shows a healthy relationship.” He said and leaned on Hal, playing a genuinely good movie. His brother had made it but it was actually really good and accurate. It was Dirks greatest shame.

 

As they watched the movie, Hal seemed to start copying the romantic interest. Putting his arm around Dirk, adjusting his facial expression, occasionally repeating what was said. Dirk had to admit that it was actually kinda cute. 

 

Soon came the kiss scene. The kiss scene was, of course, steamy and lowkey sexy. Dirk used to watch this scene over and over again. He always wanted to be kissed like that. It was so gentle and full of love but it was also hella hot….. This was weird. Having Hals arm around his shoulders while they watched a steamy scene just seemed… odd. Hal leaned forward, his head tilted like he was trying to get a better look of what they were doing. 

 

“Dirk? Why do humans enjoy kissing so much? I understand that the skin on the lips is sensitive and that adding tongue can create arousal but why do humans have so many different types of kissing?” He asked, frowning. “It just doesnt make sense…” He said, looking almost adorably curious

 

Dirk stiffened up at the question. He didn't kiss a lot of people so he couldn't really explain it.. “I don't exactly have enough experience to comment.. But the mouth is also fairly sensitive and well.. Its just hella hot to kiss someone like that. A lot of kisses are also simple expressions of love or admiration. Sometimes it's not so innocent.. But we won't get into that.” He said, crossing his arms, hoping Hal wouldn't notice his blush.

 

“Can we try that?”

 

Oh. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuckin finally, am i right?  
> check out my blog  
> cynical_pyromaniac on tumblr


	11. Smooches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk learns things about himself ft. betrayal from the author but then happiness

Dirk stared at Hal, unable to respond. He wasn't sure what he wanted besides twenty minutes to thoroughly deep clean his mouth and maybe twelve breath mints. Wait. Hal didn't have a sense of taste or smell. Thank the fucking universe. Dirk knew his mouth was fucking nasty. He just drank a Monster and barely ate all day.

 

But he wasn't really sure if he should kiss Hal. He didn't know his own feelings towards the android and he didn't want to confuse him. That would just be cruel. But, it would help Hal's curiosity….

 

"Okay." Dirk finally agreed, watching Hal move closer. His lips looked soft but Dirk knew they'd be cold and metallic. Hal was an android. He wasn't made for kissing- TOO CLOSE. Dirk instinctively pulled away when Hals lips got within centimeters of his own and internally kicked himself in the face.

 

Hal frowned, looking confused and concerned. "If you do not want to kiss me, that's okay-"

 

"That's not it!" Dirk started frantically, not wanting to hurt Hals feelings. "That was just my instinctive response, sorry. Let's try that again." He said nervously and slowly leaned in, gently putting his hand on Hal's cheek to help guide him. They got closer and closer and just as their lips brushed, there was a loud… alarm bell ri- oh you have to be shitting me.

 

Dirk woke up, warm and completely pissed off. This was getting ridiculous. The universe or whatever fucking entity torturing him clearly adored teasing him and completely wrecking his emotions. He was in his bed, wearing an old shirt and his boxers. There was light in his eyes and his phone alarm was still going off. He slid his thumb across the screen, muting the alarm before he got up. There were noises in the kitchen, supposedly from Hal making breakfast or something. As he sat in bed, the moments leading up to him falling asleep started coming back to him. He did indeed watch a romcom with Hal. They did indeed cuddle. Dirk must've fallen asleep in the middle of it and Hal must've taken him to bed. This was fucking bullshit. 

 

He got out of bed and went straight to the kitchen, unintentionally glaring at Hal. He was still unsure about his feelings towards him but he was still pissed he didn't get to kiss him. It wasn't fair! Now he was all curious and shit and would be thinking about it all fucking day! 

 

"-today……. Dirk? Did you hear me?" Hal asked, snapping Dirk out of his upset morning haze.

 

"Nah, sorry, could you repeat that?" He asked, mildly surprised at the weirdness of his own voice. Jeez, he sounded like he was high off his own ass.

 

"We're visiting Mr. English today. Our meeting is in an hour. I already sent me data to Roxy for review and she fixed me up. According to her, I simply crashed due to the fact I could not process how to help Mr. Vantas and Mr. Makara while keeping everyone happy." Hal said calmly. Oh. Maybe Hal hadn't been jealous… Dirks stomach filled with sadness and it pissed him off.

 

"Aight. I'm gonna shower and make myself presentable. Don't stress about my breakfast, okay?" Dirk asked, finally noticing the fact Hal was wearing an apron and making pancakes. Fucking nice. Hal looked really fucking cute even though he was wearing a Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff apron. 

  
  


Thirty minutes has passed and Dirk found himself staring at his own reflection. He had to admit, he looked really good today. His hair was actually behaving, his skin was clear for once, he looked healthy.. For once, things were going right. But his own appearance didn't ease his anxiety about seeing Jake at all. What if he found out he still liked Jake? What then? Would they get back together? Would he spend another few years in misery? What Jake was dating someone else? What if Jake wanted to fuck? What if he wanted a one night stand? What if- the sound of Hal knocking on the door helped his thoughts go away. It was almost like Hal could just sense when he was getting too anxious.

 

"Sorry!" Dirk apologized as he opened the door, steam following him. A towel was wrapped securely around his waist, the fluffiness hiding his unmentionables but did nothing to hide his scars, stretch marks, freckles and his muscles. Dirk wasn't ripped but he looked intimidating. He had a Dorito bod. Small waist, big shoulders. Dorito shaped. "I'll get dressed and grabbed breakfast then we can head out…. You good bro?" Dirk asked when he noticed Hal staring for a few seconds longer than he should have.

 

"Hm? Oh, yes, I am fine. I was just coming to check up on you. I suggest you hurry on getting clothes on so you won't have to rush your breakfast." Hal said, stepping out of Dirks way.

 

Dirk nodded and walked to his closet, pulling his uniform out. He always looked nice in it and… actually, he should go plain clothes. Having a cop show up to Jake's house would create bad publicity. Black tank top and sweatpants? He looked hot as fuck in that.. No no, too casual. Tank top, jeans, jacket. Perfect. He grabbed the items of clothing he needed and looked up at Hal who was standing there.

"Hey. Do you uh…." He trailed off, hoping Hal would get the hint it was time to leave.

"Oh! Sorry! I'll be in the kitchen!" Hal said dutifully and quickly walked out, closing the door behind himself. Must need some social upgrades… 

 

Dirk got dressed quickly and put his shoes on, looking himself over in the mirror. When his jacket was off, the stretch marks on his shoulders were plain to see. He wasn't really self conscious of them, they were just kinda annoying sometimes. Like the bags under his eyes. They wouldn't go away no matter what he did. He put his shades on and walked out of his room, inhaling the smell of pancakes and holy shit he was starving. He quickly went into the kitchen and grabbed an untouched plate, silently appreciating how warm it was.

 

"Fuck, thank you Hal." He said and grabbed a fork along with the maple syrup. Wait, when he did he buy maple syrup?

Hal seemed to sense Dirks confusion and spoke up. "I went to the store this morning and bought it. I thought you would have appreciated the gesture since you stressed so much over my own wellbeing yesterday. Since I am not a homecare android, my cooking skills are not perfect but I did follow the instructions exactly. I hope it is to your satisfaction." Hal explained, smiling

 

Dirk smiled back. "Thanks dude but next time, wake me up and tell me when you're leaving the house, okay? I don't wanna wake up and think you've been kidnapped or something." He said as he poured maple syrup on his perfectly made pancakes, taking a big bite. "Oh shit." He mumbled through the mouthful and quickly started stuffing his face. These were the best pancakes he had ever had the pleasure of shoving into his mouth hole. "This is so fucking good." Dirk said, muffled by the chewed food in his mouth.

 

Hal smiled at him and handed him a slightly damp paper towel. "Here, you're kinda getting syrup everywhere. The damp paper towel will help dissolve the syrup while making cleanup a lot easier. I made friends with the android nurse at the office and she has a homecare android friend who I luckily got in contact with. They were very nice and lent me the recipe along with cleanup tips." Hal explained cheerfully, folding his hands in front of himself. "So, when you are done eating, I suggest we go ahead and get going so we can be no less than five minutes early."

 

"Aight but only if you promise to get more recipes from your new friend cause this shit is the fucking bomb." He said, already on his second pancake. This wasn't the healthiest breakfast but it would keep him full and energized for a while.

 

After he was done eating, he head out with Hal. It was surprisingly nice this morning. Sunny, slightly chilly.. it was wonderful. But, the amazing weather didn't help Dirk with his own confusing feelings. What was that dream about? Did he want to kiss Hal? Did he want to start a relationship? He should probably ask his Aunt Rose.. Well, she wasn't actually his aunt but she was one of Dave's best friends and she was considered family so she was always called Aunt Rose. She was always knew how to help him solve his issues but sometimes she was a bit….. Much. Maybe he'd just talk to Roxy about it. She was practically his sister.

 

Dirk pushed himself back into reality so he didn't end up getting hit by a car and walked with Hal in comfortable silence, occasionally making small talk with him. Hal seemed a bit tense but Dirk decided not to mention it, not wanting to ruin the good atmosphere. As they got a respectable distance away from their apartment building, they called a taxi and asked to be driven a block away from Jakes house. Not a lot of people knew that's where Jake lived which was nice but Dirk still didn't want a random person to know the exact address of where he was going to be.

 

As they got there and got out, Dirk felt the nervousness growing in his gut as they walked. "So. Remind me what kinda questions we're gonna ask him?" Dirk questioned Hal, feeling the need to just word vomit. It was a horrible habit he got from Dave.

 

"We're going to try to convince him to sue Mr. Makara but if we can't do that, we question his involvement with Mr. Makara." Hal answered, glancing over. "Are you nervous, Dirk?" Hal asked quietly

 

Dirk felt his walls crumble. "Yeah. I had a weird dream last night and I'm just.. scared he's gonna pull me into his bullshit again." Dirk responded, his breathing coming out awkwardly like he was forgetting how to control his own breath.

 

Hal lightly nudged him, a movement that could easily be mistaken for an accidental tap. "Don't worry. I'll be there to moderate and make sure you don't do something stupid. If he tries to pull you back into his bullshit, so to speak, then I'll step in." Hal mumbled, a small smile on his face and Dirk wanted nothing more in the world to pin Hal against a tree and make out with him like no tomorrow because hell, there probably wasn't going to be one.

 

Dirk cleared his throat like that would get rid of his thoughts. "Yeah.. thanks." Dirk said quietly and stopped in front of the big ass house that Jake lived in. It was a fucking mansion, disguised as something a singular person worked hard on. That's exactly the image Jake always wanted. He wanted to look like the super cool adventure dude that could fight tigers with nothing but his fists and could build entire mansions by himself when in reality, Jake could barely last a minute when getting his dick sucked. Dirk relaxed. Well, at least he was as still as mean as ever.

 

Dirk and Hal walked up the weirdly long driveway in silence and stood in front of the door. It was obviously made out of some obscure wood that Dirk wouldn't be able to name and that was genuinely stupid and unimportant to everyone in existence except egotistical bastards who got off on- 

 

"Dirk! Old mate, it's so good to see you again!" Jake said when he saw Dirk. He must've opened the door when Dirk got into a weird rant in his own head about a fucking door. But when Jake went out for a hug, Hal put a firm hand on Jake's chest, keeping him from getting close.

 

"Sorry Mr. English but we're here on official business." Hal said coldly, the LED disc in his temple going from orange to red rapidly. There was a silent challenge going on between Jake and Hal and Dirk had no fucking idea why.

 

"Yeah. For legal reasons, my name is Officer Strider and this is my partner, Officer Hal…. Strider." Dirk had, at that exact moment, decided to give Hal his last name.. in a completely 100% platonic gesture. "We're here to discuss Gamzee Makara, a man who just recently severely injured two people and possibly a lot more." Dirk said in his police officer voice. Jake looked strangely upset.

 

"Oh.. Um. Well, come on in! No reason to be standing out in the cold!" Jake said happily, his weird fucking accent going all over the place. It was oh so obviously fake, a facade he put on to make women weak and unsuspecting men fall in love. Jake wore a sickeningly green robe and hopefully boxers. Dirk hoped to whatever god out there that Jake was wearing boxers. This man did not shave and Dirk did not want to see that.

 

"I'm sorry I'm not properly dressed, I must say that I was really only expecting Dirk and assumed I'd be able to simply wear my morning attire." Jake explained, closing the door behind the two. Dirk lightly nudged Hal with his hip to indicate he was going to look around so Hal would need to take over the conversation. Hal nodded and turned to Jake, initiating standard police talk while Dirk examined the room. Trophy heads, polar bear skin rug… It was all disgusting. Jake preached about saving the animals but hunted for sport and decoration. It made Dirk sick and he knew that if Jade saw this she would beat Jake until his ass was black and blue for the next two years.

Dirk would pay to see that.

There wasn't much else. Antique weapons, a bowl of fake fruit, some exotic looking plants.. it was all so boring. Dirk couldn't believe he was ever attracted to Jake. Jake always said he was bi and Dirk fully believed him. Dirk was all for his bi brothers and sisters but Jake was a shame to the community. Jake had always thought that being bisexual meant he could sleep around with anyone and… Dirk had believed him at first. Leaving those horrible thoughts behind, Dirk rejoined the conversation.

 

"-awful but I can't risk my entire company by suing this fellow! I'm oh so sorry. Please, send these people my humblest condolences." Jake said, a fake smile on his face and Dirk couldn't help the small gag that came up.

 

"Sorry. I think I'm…. Allergic to the fur of the trophies in here." Dirk said stoically, obviously lying and not caring about it. He tried to not notice the fake Hal was holding back a laugh.

 

"Yes, Dirks allergies get kinda bad this time of year. Still, we urge you to sue Mr. Makara but if you decide not to budge in fear of losing uh," Hal paused slightly just to make Jake's pride feel threatened, "your company then we have to ask you a few questions about your involvement with Mr. Makara, how you know him, things like that." Hal explained, smiling. "Now, could you please explain to us how you know Mr. Makara?"

 

Jake had a frown on his face, his arms crossed. It was obvious he wasn't enjoy Hal's presence. "He used to be a business partner." Jake answered coldly, sounding kinda like a child on the verge of a tantrum.

 

"I see.. Well, Dirk, I think we have enough information out of Mr. English here. Let's go grab some coffee and discuss the details." Hal said, earning a mildly surprised look from Jake.

 

"Are you not going to question me more? And um, maybe you should stay for coffee, Dirk! Ya know, go over some things, kinda.. Catch up with each other? Maybe try rekindling a few things? See how much we've changed?" Jake asked, obviously trying to hint that he really wanted to bang. Dirk was going to reply but Hal beat him to it.

 

"Sorry Mr. English but we're on duty currently and need to get some more important things done. Feel free to contact one of us after we're off but there is no guarantee we'll be able to meet up with you again for that coffee." Hal said sternly, placing his hand on Dirks shoulder, causing Dirks face to heat up. Dirk felt heat coming off of Hal's body. He must've started to overheat again but it was hard to tell due to the fact Dirks own body was heating up. Hal lead Dirk out of the house as Dirk was unable to think properly with his heart pounding away in his ribcage. Next thing Dirk knew, they were walking down the driveway while Jake called out 'goodbye's.

 

They walked in silence all the way down the street, Hal's hand never leaving Dirks shoulder. Dirks mind was swimming and his heart was still pounding from being around Hal and he was desperate to figure out his own emotions.

 

"Hey Hal?"

"Yeah?"

"..... Do you wanna make out?" 

"Hell. Fucking. Yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol y'all thought they wouldn't kiss this chapter!!!  
> .... And they technically didn't  
> Follow my Tumblr cynical_pyromaniac please


	12. Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hal gets saucy

Hal was feeling… So many colors. He knew he adored Dirk. He knew he really, really wanted to kiss him and hold his delicate human body.. As he followed Dirk into the unowned forestry, he admired his physical form. Hal didn't do that often, he found it unnecessary and he simply didn't feel it was necessary. But as he finally got a chance to just.. look at him, he realized how beautiful Dirk was. He had so much strength and muscle from regular police training and regular working out, his skin was sprinkled in beautiful freckles, it seemed like a public offense to cover him in such conservative clothes. Hal desperately wanted to slip those clothes off and just… See him without anything obstructing his view. It definitely wasn't a sexual feeling or want. Hal wasn't even sure he could feel sexual attraction but he assumed this was as close as he would get. 

 

Hal came back into the present when Dirk leaned against a big, sturdy tree and pulled him close, their foreheads pressed together. Hal lightly put his hands on Dirks hips while Dirks hands gripped the front of his shirt like it was his only life line. Hal took a minute, just studying him before slowly reaching up and gently removing Dirks sunglasses. Beautiful citrus orange eyes stared back at him. Hal took his time studying every inch of Dirks face, counting every freckle, every pore, every little hair, every little thing that was so completely… human. It made Hal feel breathless despite not needing to breathe. Dirks body was so warm against his own, reminding him to turn his fans down so his own body would warm up. He didn't want Dirk to kiss a freezing cold mouth. He could stay in this moment forever, just holding him close and feeling his little human body hard at work.

 

But Dirk had other plans. Dirk wanted to kiss and Hal wanted to fulfill that want. He wanted to fulfill every want and whim Dirk had. So, he leaned closer, his lips barely grazing Dirks before they got interrupted by Dirks phone ringing. Hal pulled away, not wanting Dirk to ignore a potentially important call. Dirk seemed extremely upset and nearly furious at this development.

 

Dirk pulled his phone out of his pocket and answered the call, glaring harshly at the ground. "What?" Dirk growled out, his voice filled with frustration. Hal wanted to help him calm down but didn't want to interrupt the call or distract Dirk so he ended up lightly massaging Dirks lower back, hoping that would ease his tension. At this moment, Hal was grateful for the chilly weather. Otherwise, Dirk might've just yelled at whoever was calling. Hal wasn't exactly interested in whoever was calling or what they had to say, more focused on keeping Dirk from having a frustration induced heart attack.

 

Dirk said a few things to the phone but Hal wasn't listening, resisting the urge to kiss Dirks neck and turn that stupid phone off. He wanted to kiss him all over until Dirk was begging him for cuddles. Humans were honestly so adorable.. So delicate and squishy and emotional.

Dirk turned his phone off and put it in his pocket, wrapping his arms around Hal's neck. Their bodies were flush against each other, basically hugging.. okay, they were actually hugging now. Hal quickly discovered he loved hugging Dirk.

"Who was it?" Hal asked quietly, rubbing Dirks back. He was so cute like this… So warm and frustrated. Desperate for contact. Hal slowly slipped his hand under Dirks tank top and jacket, pressing his hand flat against Dirks lower back, pressing him closer so he could feel his heartbeat.

"Rox.. She wants us to hang out today so I can help her with a few things. She wants to go help the humane society get some animals out of an abandoned kill shelter." Dirk answered, his voice barely above a whisper, his lovely hands lightly scratching at Hal's back like he wanted to pull him closer which was physically impossible. The thought of seeing Dirk working hard and taking care of cute animals made Hal's mechanical heart flutter.

 

"We should do it. Maybe you'll find a cute animal to take home." Hal responded, a small smile on his face. Hal was already making a checklist of all the things a little animal would want or need. Toys, a nice bed, food..

 

"We'd have to go now so there'd be no time to stop and do… this." Dirk said quietly, sounding like the thought of not cuddling anymore hurt him. Hal was a bit confused at first but soon realized that they wouldn't be allowed to be so friendly in public. If the wrong person even suspected Hal of liking Dirk then Hal would be.. he didn't want to think about it.

 

"It's okay, Dirk." Hal whispered, feeling Dirks body tense and press against his own. "We'll go and help for a while then maybe we can go catch some lunch at a nice quiet place then get some paperwork done at the station and then we can go home and do whatever we want.. I'll make dinner, you can put on a movie or show and we can cuddle exactly like we did last night." Hal whispered, slowly pulling away so his nose was brushing against Dirks and his hands were placed carefully on Dirks hips. Dirk made a pained face like the frustration of not getting what he wanted was hurting him. He knew humans could feel pain from things like that.

 

Dirk let out an honest to god  _ whine  _ that was almost unnoticeable. Hal couldn't help but smile at the thought that Dirk didn't want to let go. He was so adorably emotional. But Dirk luckily let go, letting Hal take a step back but not without giving Hal a pout that could've convinced thousands others to pin him against the tree and give him exactly what he wanted and more but unfortunately for Dirk, Hal had a steel will and could not be tempted by such a cutie pie. How Dave never spoiled Dirk to hell and back was a mystery.

 

Hal gently held Dirks hand and started leading him out of the unowned woods, a small smile on his face that was full of endearment. "Don't pout Dirky, we'll be able to cuddle as much as you later tonight." Hal said, hoping it would lift up Dirks spirits. As they got back out onto the sidewalk, Hal very unfortunately saw Jake. Jake seemed to be 'jogging' while shirtless and wearing much too short shorts. Hal let go of Dirks hand before Jake saw, shooting glares in his directions as he slowed down in front of them, causing Dirk to hide his beautiful eyes behind his sunglasses again.

 

"Bonjour my friends! Um, might I ask as to why you two were in there? Is everything alright?" Jake asked, speaking only to Dirk like Hal didn't even exist. Luckily, Roxy had given him a sort of program to help his emotions stay at normal levels otherwise Hal would have attacked Jake right then and there.

 

"I wanted to go in there for a little look around, snap a few pictures and maybe find a potential picnic spot for a friend. They've been trying to find a perfect spot to go to with their partner." Dirk lied smoothly, crossing his arms.

 

"Oh! I see.. well, now maybe I can take you out for coffee?" Jake asked hopefully, seemingly oblivious to the fact Dirk really didn't want to.

 

"Sorry Mr. English but we were on our way to help our humane society get some animals out of an abandoned building. They needed some extra muscle and we assumed we'd be perfect." Hal responded, giving Jake a smile. Hal continued to silently thank Roxy for giving him the program to calm him down. Hal was already fantasizing about how easy it would be to just.. murder Jake.

 

"That sounds absolutely excellent! Do you mind if I join you two? I'm always looking for animals to help out! Plus, I've been looking for a new," Jake looked Dirk up and down way too obviously for Hal's liking, "pet and a reason to get out of that stuffy house!" Jake said cheerfully, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet like a child.

Dirk glanced at Hal before sighing quietly. "Yeah sure. The address is-" Hal was too shocked to listen anymore. Why was Dirk letting him join them?? This was supposed to be a cute hang out thing! No English fuckers allowed! Was Dirk showing Jake mercy?? The thought and it's connotations made Hal feel nauseated like he just got shot in the stomach. He'd have to make sure Jake actually did some work instead of just trying to flirt. While Dirk and Jake spoke, Hal rapid fire texted Roxy.

  
  


TT: This is ridiculous. He invited fucking Jake along. What the fuck.

TT: Jake implied he wanted Dirk as his new 'pet', and I think I'm gonna throw up. Or hide a fish inside the walls of his shitty house and take a dump under his bed.

TG: chill lol

TG: ill keep jakey distractex and entertained while u make moves on r boi

TG: distracted*

TT: Roxy, be professional. I would never make moves on Dirk because I am a professional android with no desires to do such. I view Dirk as purely a colleague. I wouldn't ever dream of having sexual relations with a colleague because I am a professional. Please, act decent.

TG: u literally had me install basically xanax into ur system to keep you from rawing diek like no tomorrow

TT: Please give me the moral high ground.

TG: no, suffer

TG: :3

TT: (´；ω；｀)

TG: !!!!!!!!! cat!!!! amazing 30/10 would give the moral high ground 2

TT: Lol, see you later Rox

TG: (*＾3＾)/～♡

TT: (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

  
  


Hal closed his chat client as Jake jogged away, refraining himself from making an obnoxious gagging noise. "So. You invited Jake along." Hal said bluntly, trying his hardest not to pout like a child.

 

"Yup. I figured the publicity would be good for all of us and they're gonna need extra workers.. The volunteers at the animal shelter are extremely work focused as well so they'll ensure Jake actually works." Dirk said and lightly bumped his hip against Hal's. "Don't look so pouty." Dirk teased, a small smile on his face. 

 

"I am not pouty! I just don't think it was the best idea to invite Jake with us. What if he convinces you to go somewhere alone with him? What then? Who knows what's going through that sick pervs mind." Hal grumbled as he walked with Dirk to a nearby bus stop. 

 

"Hal, I'm pretty sure I can handle that guy. He might have a few pounds on me but I'm the police officer here and Roxy would rip him to shreds if he tried something." Dirk reassured him, his hand lightly brushing against Hal's hip while he walked. Hal was sure it was unintentional but it still made him feel weak in the knees. They walked in comfortable silence all the way to the bus stop, getting on the bus which was conveniently there already. Hal was forced to sit in the android department, already feeling hurt that he wasn't allowed to sit with Dirk. Luckily, Dirk sat close to the back so Hal could pretend they were sitting together.

 

Once they arrived at their stop, Hal got off quickly, feeling claustrophobic from being cramped in the small compartment. He hated it. He found Dirk quickly and began walking with him to the volunteer site.

 

"So, Roxy told me that the animals aren't that aggressive but we should still be gentle with them because they're obviously scared." Dirk said as they walked, his hands in his pockets. Hal wanted to hold his hand but decided against it, not wanting to seem suspicious.

 

"Alright. I went ahead and looked up a few articles on how to deal with abandoned animals and they're all very informational so I should hopefully know exactly what to do." Hal stated proudly, looking down at Dirk. He decided against telling him that he also saved multiple recipes for later that night.. Maybe later, over lunch. That simple thought launched Hal into a nice fantasy of finding a nice private place to eat lunch at and just.. hold each other. Cuddle. Kiss. Just the thought of kissing Dirk sent lovely shivers down his spine.

 

"Nice. We'll work for a while, make sure all the animals get to the shelter safely then we can go grab some lunch with Rox." Dirk said, taking no notice of Hal's disappointment. Hal truly hoped it would just be him and Dirk so they could do more bonding and maybe just hold each other.

 

When they finally reached the volunteer site, Hal was put right to work alongside Dirk since they were both pretty strong and could easily pick up a squirmy dog. Hal was assigned to the cats, his general attitude being much like a cats. That and he could easily heat his body which very much pleased the cold kitties. As Hal was carrying another cat to a carrier, Jake showed up in some sort of sexy male Lara Croft outfit. Hal forced himself to ignore Jake, helping the poor cat into a crate and locking it. There was a heated up pad in there that was easily disposal in case the animal peed or something. These people were fairly prepared.

 

They worked for a good couple of hours, Jake continuously attempting to make plans with Dirk or at least get alone with him. When they were done, Dirk was happily chatting with Roxy. He was dripping with sweat, his jacket tied around his waist and he had a few streaks of dirt on his cheek. Hal secretly took multiple pictures, desperately wanting to drag him away from public view and kiss him until his little body begged for air. He joined the two, standing next to Dirk as the two conversed.

 

"So, do you wanna come get lunch with Hal and I? I was thinking we could go to this nice sandwich shop near here." Dirk said, making a move to lean on Hal but quickly stopped himself, not wanting other people to see.

 

Roxy glanced at Hal, knowing Hal would've wanted alone time with Dirk. "Hmm… maybe! I'm not sure, I'm starving but I'm not sure just a sandwich would satisfy my insatiable hunger!" Roxy said dramatically, putting the back of her hand against her forehead, smiling.

Hal smiled, watching the two. They were practically siblings. "I would love it if you join, Roxy. We could discuss my new program and all the lovely cats we saw." Hal said, knowing that would hook Roxy in. Rox loved cats and cats loved her. Before Roxy could respond, the most annoying voice in the entire world popped up.

 

"If you guys are going out for lunch, I'd love to join! My treat, I've had so much extra money lately since I didn't take my usual weekend vacation." Jake butted in, standing too close to Dirk who seemed stiff. "It can be just like old times! Except with an android.

 

Dirk glanced at Hal to check his mood and shrugged. "Alright. I don't see why not." Dirk agreed, crossing his arms in a defensive stance.

 

Hal felt his non-existent blood boil as the others continued talking and conversing. Roxy joining along was fine but he didn't trust Jake. Not because Jake was Dirks ex, no, it was because Jake was just scummy in general. Hal simply got a bad feeling around him. As they all began walking to this restaurant, Hal went into his happy place. Back at the small forest, pressing Dirk against the tree and exchanging soft kisses until Dirk was begging for more. Begging Hal to touch him, to rip his clothes off, to give him everything.. The thought made Hal flustered, forcing himself back into reality. Luckily, he was a lot calmer. 

 

They stopped at a crosswalk and Hal decided to do something a bit bold. "Dirk, you have dirt on your cheek. Here." Hal reached up, moving one hand to lightly hold the back of Dirks neck with the other lightly rubbed the dirt off with his thumb, hoping Dirk would feel his want to kiss his breath away. Dirk seemed to get it, his face going a nice pink color.

 

"Ah, thanks Hal. You're a lifesaver, dude." Dirk said casually like he was used to Hal being so close. Hal completely forgot Jake was even a person who existed and smiled, moving his hands back to his side.

 

"Of course, Dirk! Can't let you go around looking like a scruffy teen." Hal teased while Roxy giggled. The light turned red and as they crossed the crosswalk, Roxy put her hands on Jake's and Dirks shoulders. Hal was already aware of this small habit most humans possessed. Hal found it adorable. Holding onto each other while crossing the asphalt so they wouldn't get seperated. Hal followed closely, walking next to Dirk, their hands occasionally brushing. It was driving Hal crazy.

 

Once they got to the other side safely, Hal took control of leading them around. "Let's go this way. It's a shorter walk and there's less chance of us getting lost in a crowd." Hal stated, looking down at the small group of humans. Jake looked constipated while Dirk and Roxy looked relaxed and happy. Hal wanted desperately to just pick Dirk up and carry him back home. Home was too far away, Hal would have to settle on a nearby motel or just a nice quiet alleyway. An alleyway would be nice.. Seeing Dirk desperately trying to keep it down as people passed, the two hidden just out of sight. He knew Dirk would enjoy that. Being forced to muffle himself as Hal slowly teased him, kissing everywhere besides the places he desperately wanted. Hal would have to find a few articles on how to make a human orgasm untouched. Hal was pretty sure he'd be able to do it fairly easily.

 

The three followed Hal's lead, Roxy happily chatting with Jake while Dirk walked in silence next to Hal. Everytime they passed an alleyway, Hal had to resist the urge to just grab Dirks hand and lead him down it. Maybe Hal was the horny one..

 

Once they arrived at the small restaurant, Hal held the door open while the three friends went inside and soon followed them. Dirk lightly nudged Hal to get his attention and got Roxy's attention as well. "Hey, Hal and I are gonna go find us a place to sit. You know what I want Rox?" He asked, slipping his jacket back on to be decent and Hal felt some part of himself die now that Dirks pretty arms were hidden. 

 

Roxy nodded, grinning.  "Yeah boo! Caesar salad with jalapeno ranch plus a medium soda." She stated happily. Dirk gave her a nod of approval before leading Hal away from the line, taking him to an empty window booth that was nicely in the corner. Dirk took a seat against the wall and pulled Hal in, placing his legs in Hal's lap.

"Hey… After this, we're gonna get to work and get some paperwork done, right? Because I was thinking, afterwards, we go straight home.. just you, me and our apartment." Dirk whispered, still holding Hal's hand out of the sight of others. 

 

Hal smiled, squeezing Dirks hand. He wanted to pull him close and kiss him. "Yeah… yeah, that sounds amazing." Hal said quietly, squeezing Dirks calf with his free hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol y'all THOUGHT they were gonna kiss  
> SIKE  
> You can tell at me at my blog, cynical_pyromaniac


	13. Hot.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk becomes a teenage boy and can't stop thinking about banging Hal.

Dirk watched Hal, feeling warm and fuzzy inside. If it wasn't career suicide, he would get into Hal's lap and make out with him right then and there. For now, he'd have to be satisfied with Hal lightly rubbing his calf.. Or, while Roxy and Jake were distracted, he could sneak a quick kiss.. Dirk sat up to go in for the kill but Hal seemed to sense what he wanted and put his strong hand on Dirks chest, keeping him from leaning in closer. Damn him and his amazing hands and arms.

 

"Dirk. You'll have to wait till we get home." Hal said quietly, moving his hand away in favor of lightly rubbing Dirks calves that were still placed firmly in Hal's lap. When Dirk pouted, Hal merely smiled. "Don't try tempting me dear, it won't work." He cooed, patting Dirks leg which did not help his want to make out.

 

Dirk sighed and leaned against the wall, trying his hardest not to just grab Hal's hand and put it on his thigh or right against his throat.. Dirk quickly shoved those thoughts away, not wanting to get a boner in the middle of a restaurant. He wasn't some teenage boy.

 

As Roxy and Jake walked back to the table, Dirk refused to move his legs from Hal's lap and shamelessly made grabby hands at the tray Roxy was carrying, knowing it had his food on it. Roxy giggled and set the tray down, sliding in the seat across him Dirk and Hal, handing Dirk his salad and taking her cat shaped sandwich before distributing the drinks. Jake sat next to Roxy, eyeing Dirks legs on top of Hal lap.

 

"So, Dirk.." Jake started, stirring his drink with his straw. "What's it like working with an… android?" Jake asked, putting some bitter emphasis on 'android'. Jake always hated technology just so he could look cool and meta like a fucking English major. Fuck English majors.

 

"It's great. Better than working with other humans. He doesn't second guess himself as much as others and he follows orders easily. He's the best partner I've had besides Rox." Dirk said, taking a sip of his orange soda before continuing. "He's really handy. I honestly can't wait until they introduce more androids to the department." He said, looking over at Hal who had a small smile on his face. "But he is a huge pain in the ass sometimes."

 

Roxy snorted. "You say that about everyone! I personally think that Hal is amazing! He really helped me a lot with a few work things and he's amazing as de escalating situations!" She chirped. Roxy, always a peace keeper. She seemed to just sense that Jake wanted to make passive aggressive comments and just stopped that in its tracks. Jake slowly nodded, not really paying attention. "Uh huh… How do you know he's not gonna lose control at any second thought?" Jake asked, crossing his arms

 

Before Dirk could make a snappy comment, Roxy put her arm around Jake's shoulder, smiling brightly. "Hey, let's not talk about our controversial opinions today, okay? Let's do it when we're all super drunk and can regret our decisions in the morning!" She said cheerfully, pulling Jake closer. Dirk knew what she was doing all too well. Roxy regularly put her arm around people's shoulders if they were trying to start a fight and if they tried anything, she could easily choke them out with her arm. She did that move once or twice on Dirk… not fun but it always worked.

 

As they continued talking and eating, Dirk got more and more needy and desperate for Hal's touch. His body felt warm and uncomfortable and he wanted desperately to drag Hal into the bathroom and just fuck him- did Hal have a dick?..... Hal probably didn't have a dick. Fuck. That was fine. Dirk owned a couple of dildos Hal could tease him with. Oh, what if he teased Hal… watch him squirm on the bed, desperate for more pleasure.. Just imagining it made heat pool in the pit of his stomach. Of course, he'd have to see if Hal actually experienced sexual feelings. He wouldn't want this to be just a one sided thing. Dirk snapped himself out of his sexual thoughts, not wanting to pop a boner in the middle of the restaurant. He'd honestly probably just quit his job and hide in the woods for the rest of his life out of shame if he ever did get a dumb boner in public.

 

Dirk finished his salad and his drink, listening to Jake and Roxy ramble on and on together. He moved his legs out of Hal's lap and faced forward to get comfortable, a little smile on his face which quietly dropped when he felt Hal's hand on his thigh. His instinct was to grab Hal's wrist and guide his hand right to his dick but before he could, Hal gave his thigh and little squeeze and pulled away. Now he knew exactly what dumb teen boys were talking about when they talked about dying of blue balls. Before he could even whine or attempt to get that contact back, he felt a boot lightly touch his shin, causing him to immediately yank his legs back, away from the weird touch. It was probably an accident, Dirk did have pretty long legs that were hard to avoid. But then the touch came bac- yeah that was definitely Jake's dirty ass boot trying to seduce him via weird footsies game. Before he could say anything, a different shoe hit his shin, causing his previous horniness to dissipate.

 

Roxy looked over at him and frowned, kicking him again. "Is that your leg?" She asked, confused.

 

Dirk nodded and lightly kicked her leg in retaliation. "Yeah, get y'all's nasty ass shoes away from my lovely legs." He said and crossed his arms, kicking Jake's shin just to send a warning message. It wasn't hard enough to really hurt him, just enough to give him a nice warning. He'd have to thank Dave later for blessing him with long legs.

 

Roxy simply kicked him again because she was a child when it came to this sort of thing. "Oh hush, this wouldn't be the first time you got got dirt on your precious jeans!" She said but there was no malice behind her words. "You and your weird model leggies! Well, anyway," She continued talking with Jake about movies, happy and childish.

 

Hal watched the whole thing unravel, a smile on his face. He was so hot, it was driving Dirk insane. He just wanted to get to work already so he could get home faster and just kiss Hal until his brain was mush. He also really wanted to fuck him. Like really bad.

 

He decided to sit for twenty more minutes, conversing and joking around with his friends before he tried to leave.

 

"Hey, Hal and I have to get up to the office and get some paperwork done, so we'll see you guys later." Dirk said, hoping he could leave without a fuss but the look on Jake's face told him that wouldn't be possible.

 

"Oh phooey! I was really hoping to spend more time with you Dirky! Here, why don't I take you out for dinner tonight? My treat!" Jake said happily, somehow making it sound like it was a 100% platonic thing.

 

"Sorry bro but I need to catch up on housework tonight. I've been avoiding the dishes as long as I can and I fear they're starting to gain sentience. I heard one tell me they're gonna totally behead me tonight and I don't know how to feel about it." Dirk said gravely before scooting out of the booth with Hal. "See you at work Foxy Roxy." Dirk said casually, rolling his eyes when she blew him a kiss.

 

"Byeeee Dirky! Gimme kissy!!" She said happily, practically crawling over Jake to give Dirk a kiss. She hopped up and gave Dirk a big smooch on his cheek, making his face squish and her lipstick leave a mark on his face. Dirk returned the cheek kiss, patting her head before leaving.

  
  


As they left, Dirk fantasized about Hal, biting his neck, squeezing his pretty thighs… He was honestly head over heels for Hal and he didn't know how it happened so suddenly but it did. Every time they were faced with an empty street, they would intertwine their pinky fingers until they encountered another person and the small, fleeting touches were not helping Dirks blood pressure. 

 

When they got to the police station, Dirks heart was pounding and he just wanted to go home already. The second they got inside, Dirk mumbled a quick "I gotta go to the bathroom" to Hal before rushing to the men's room so he could hide and process his feelings. Luckily, not a lot of people were there that day so the bathroom was 100% empty so Dirk could do whatever he wanted. First thing he did was hide in a stall, silently thank the janitor for always keeping it nearly sterile in there and then he leaned against the stall wall, face in his hands as his mind flooded with images about Hal.

 

Hal pinning him down, bending him over, practically folding him in half, tying him up, forcing a thick dick down his- Dirks thoughts got RUDELY interrupted by his own morals. He couldn't just jack it at work! Thinking about sexy things was one thing but if he kept this up, he would have a very pressing issue that would need to be taken care of. He took a deep breath, resting his head against the stall wall and looked up at the ceiling. So many other dudes did this without a second thought.. But why could Dirk just be a dumb horny bitch for once and just jerk it at work? The evidence would be easy to clean up and there was a sink in there were he could splash in cold water on his face.. Maybe he just needed to dunk his head in some freezing water..

 

As he tortured himself over whether or not it was okay to jack it at work, he didn't even notice someone else coming in until they knocked on his stall door, startling him out of his thoughts.

 

"Uh, what?" He asked, confused and startled.

 

"It's Hal. It's to my understanding that you're feeling… needy." Hal said coolly before opening the stall door with ease. Dirk should've checked to make sure he locked it. He was an amateur work masturbater that wasn't actually masturbating.

 

"I knew you would've have moral troubles on whether or not to relieve yourself at work but I think you should. Otherwise, you-" Hal could cut off by Dirk grabbing him by the collar and yanking him into the stall.

 

"Cut the robot bullshit or I will shove my dick down your throat." Dirk growled, taking a few deep breaths, trying to get himself to calm down. He knew his face was flushed, making the situation even more embarrassing. "Just.. Talk to me. Look at me like you did when we were in the woods." Dirk mumbled quietly, avoiding eye contact with Hal who looked kinda shocked at Dirks sudden sexual threat.

 

"Dirk.." Hal said quietly, holding him close before lightly nuzzling Dirks neck. "Deep breaths, my dear. Remember, once we're done with work, we'll go straight home and do whatever you want." Hal cooed, gently playing with Dirks hair. His cold body was helping a lot.

 

"I know, I just…," He took a deep breath, "I  _ need _ you.." Dirk whispered, letting out the quietest whine he could muster. Hal's hand tightened its grip in his hair, lightly tugging it.

 

"You are such a little temptress.." Hal whispered, lightly tugging on Dirks hair, making him groan quickly. "Splash some cold water on your face and calm down. I'll leave you alone in here for twenty minutes then I'll come check up on you. I'll try to get as much work done as I can before you get out so you won't have to exert yourself too much. Then, we'll be able to go home and you'll get everything you want and more." Hal whispered in his ear, moving his hands down to Dirks hips, lightly squeezing them before pulling away. "Sound good?"

 

Dirk nodded, trying his hardest not to jump into his arms and kiss him. "Yeah.. Better leave soon because otherwise I think I'll-" Dirk couldn't even finish his sentence before Hal quickly left the men's bathroom, knowing that whatever Dirk had to say was going to be extremely lewd and tempting.

 

Dirk smiled as he watched Hal hurried leave, the pretty LED on his forehead glowing a cute blue. Dirk walked to the sink and turned on the faucet, waiting for it to really get cold before he splashed his face, wondering what he did to deserve Hal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE'RE GONNA GET TO THE SEXY BITS SOON, JUST RELAX


	14. Tease.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk is low-key going crazy

Dirk walked out of the men's bathroom, much more relaxed. He had splashed some nice cold water on his face, chilled out and dehornified. Now, he could hopefully focus on some of his fucking work. As he walked back to his desk, he let his mind wonder.

 

Why was Jake so desperate to hang out? Would Dirk even have enough energy to get steamy at the end of their shift? Why the FUCK was love so weird? Did he have ice cream at home? So many important questions and such little time. Well, not really. There was lots of time but he had to do his job and focus on that instead of ice cream. He'd have to ask Hal if they had any sort of dessert at home..

 

He sat down at his desk, Hal already working hard on some paperwork. He looked so focused.. it was cute. His little LED circle was pulsing. He decided to shove those feelings down and get to work, not wanting to waste any time.

  
  


Time passed slowly. Too slowly. What seemed like thirty minutes was actually just five minutes. Hal was going like a goddamn machine, which he was, and Dirk was just… trying his hardest. It was all mostly just file work. Checking a bunch of boxes, rewriting things over and over again but with some variety in certain sentences so people wouldn't notice that he was totally copy and pasting because _apparently_ _that was a big fucking no no_. It was ridiculous but hey, whatever. He could totally make it seem human and like he actually wrote it twenty times over and over again without using copy paste at all. Fuck. His eyes were starting to go cross from staring and squinting at the screen. Only ten minutes had passed. What the fuck. Maybe his computer clock was broken…

He looked over at the clock on the wall. The exact same.

He looked at his phone. The exact same.

He Googled it. The. Exact. Same. Oh wait. One minute went by.

What

The

Fuck.

Someone was fucking with him. There was no way he just did 30 minutes if work AT LEAST in 11 minutes. This had to be a sick prank. Yeah..

 

Well then, Dirk wasn't going to give them a reaction. He would continue plowing through his work until it was time to leave and then he was going to let Hal plow through him. The desire to get absolutely wrecked by Hal was no longer sexually driven. This was going to be driven purely out of spite and rage alone. Enough to make a grown fucking man weep and fall to his knees. His dream was interrupted. Their almost makeout session was interrupted. Their lunch date was interrupted. That's not that many times but every single time, the tension of through the roof and if they had just a few more seconds then it would've been amazing but nooOOOOOOOOO. Whatever cruel god was out there was apparently intent on completely wrecking his entire fucking libido and his mental health as a whole-

 

"-rk? Dirk? You're mumbling, you okay?" Hal's voice penetrated his thoughts like a soft cool rag on his feverish body.

 

"Hm? Oh yeah, just…. Thinkin'." He said and exhaled slowly, feeling the heat slowly leave him. He glanced at the clock. A single minute had passed. Fuck.

 

"I saw that. I would've let you stay in your state but you were starting to grow in volume, not by much, and well… I thought maybe you'd like to keep some of those thoughts to yourself and whomever you choose to share them with." Hal said, lightly squeezing Dirks wrist and oh heeby jebus that was a strong man. He resisted the extreme urge to just move Hal's hand to his throat.

 

Dirk cleared said throat, his face flushed slightly. "Thanks.. Hey is it just me or is time moving really slowly?" He asked, calming himself down. All was good and chill. This was not the time to get fucked right against the desk. The bruises would only make it more pleasurable.

 

"I don't believe so? Time is moving the exact same speed it always is. Maybe your mind is just.. worked up about something and it's trying to focus on activities to speed time along but you simply cannot stop thinking about it so that makes time seem to move more slowly. Does that make sense, dear- Dirk! Dirk." Hal obviously stiffened up a bit from his own mistake and Dirk wanted to grab him and cuddle him with his arms around his pretty waist and his face against his beautiful neck and maybe a nice soft blanket..

 

"Yeah, that makes sense." Dirk said, knowing he was giving Hal a sappy look which earned him a light tap on the hand like Hal was trying to tell him to get himself together but Hal's small smile was betraying him. He totally liked this. Dirk soon returned back to work, copy and pasting his brain to it's doom but now with a new motivation; making out with Hal immediately once they get to a nice out of the way location and cuddling the absolute  _ shit _ out of that amazing, beautiful, talented mother **_FUCKER_ ** .

 

Once he got started on genuine work that wasn't the exact same, things went a lot more smoothly. Time passed quickly and before he knew it, he was walking out the door with Hal, keeping close. He wanted to hold hands.. or be held. Either way, he was getting contact with Hal and that made him happy. 

 

As they walked, Hal suddenly grabbed his sleeve and lead him down into a secluded looking alley which immediately made Dirks senses perk up. Were they chasing someone? Who? Did Hal spot a criminal? What was- Oh.

 

Dirk was pinned against the dirty, damp wall and Hal's cool body pressed against his own. 

 

"Hal? What are you doing, we're right near the street, this could count as puuuuub….." Dirk trailed off when Hal got centimeters away from his face, eyeing him hungrily.

 

"Oh shit-" Was the last thing he said before Hal kissed him, pressing him against the wall despite a lot of people being Right. There. If someone just listened and got curious enough, they'd totally find them just making o- that is a TONGUE oh  _ hell fucking yes _ .

 

Dirk kissed back, his eyes sliding shut as he completely forgot anything and everything that wasn't  _ Hal _ . Hal's lips, his hands holding his hands gently, his hips and chest pressing against his own, his synthetic tongue swiping out occasionally to lick his lips.. It all got him so riled up so quickly and made him realize how pent up he was. He opened his mouth slightly for Hal, wanting to give him whatever he wanted but an embarrassing and quiet noise escaped his throat, making Hal's chest rumble. Okay. Dirk had to admit.. that was fucking hot as fuck.

 

Dirk let out another embarrassing near whine as Hal french kissed him to death. Dirk barely noticed the aching in between his thighs compared to his overall ache of pleasure… also, the wall was really rough and Dirks back wasn't appreciating it.

 

When Hal pulled away to let him breath, Dirk wanted to chase his mouth but he knew that if he did, they would never get home and end up fucking in an alleyway………………. Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea.. Wait, yes it was! There were so many germs! Oh, also people and the fact that this was kinda illegal.

 

"Dirk.." Hal whispered, body still pressed against Dirks in a wonderfully distracting way. "My dear, we need to get home before we end up getting too handsy in this place. Can you stand properly? You're breathing kind of heavily and I just don't want you to be too overstimulated." Hal said, gently moving his hand down to Dirks jaw to gently hold it.

 

Dirk nodded, barely paying attention to what he was saying. That hand was too close to his neck and if it didn't start cutting off his airflow, Dirk was going to be upset. Hal, unfortunately, moved away and Dirk adjusted himself in his pants, making sure his boner wasn't extremely obvious. Unless someone was really looking at it, it wouldn't be noticeable… hopefully. He felt like a fucking teenage boy again. 

 

They walked out of the alleyway, Hal holding on to Dirks sleeve so they wouldn't get separated in the crowd. Dirk was hoping no one noticed how close they were and everyone would just leave them alone so he could go home as quickly as possible and get completely wrecked by Hal.

 

"Would you rather take the bus or walk? Taking the bus will be longer-"

 

"Walk!" Dirk interrupted, blushing at his own enthusiasm. "Um.. walk. Since it's gonna be faster and it's all like healthier and stuff.." He said shyly, embarrassed.

 

Hal smiled and walked a bit faster, leading Dirk along. "Of course. Walking is very good for the human body." Hal said, humming quietly as he lead him along.

 

Dirk occasionally glanced over at Hal, imagining Hal completely destroying him and shoving that weird metallic tounge down his thro- He needed to stop, jeez. His dick was gonna end up exploding if he kept teasing himself like this.

 

When they got home, Dirk dragged Hal straight to his apartment, unlocked and opened the door, slammed it shut then pressed his lips right against Hal's, desperate for contact. Hal made the most adorable surprised noise which just made Dirk even more desperate to just touch him and fuck him until they both saw the entire fucking galaxy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visit my Tumblr blog cynical_pyromaniac to ask questions and get updates and shit


	15. Soft.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hal gets more time with Dave n Karkat while Dirk supposedly jerks it in the shower

Hal felt……… flustered. He installed a program to help him assign words to the colors he was feeling. It was very handy. He found himself using it quite a lot. Like currently, he was using the program to help him assign words to the feeling of deep red all over his body.

 

It was because Dirk, his work partner and roommate, was practically shoving his tongue in his mouth. Hal wasn't complaining, it was just surprising. Although, Hal shouldn't really be surprised. He did tease Dirk all day so he should've expected that Dirk would've practically tackled him the second they got behind closed and locked doors. Speaking of doors, Hal highly doubted that the door was very easy on Dirks back so he simply lead him away from it.

  
  


Which gave Dirk the idea to grab Hal's wrists and lead him to the bedroom. Well. Okay then. Hal was definitely not complaining, he couldn't wait to make Dirk feel good but maybe Hal could've held back on some of the teasing because Dirk was… determined. Very.. very determined and desperate.

 

Hal helped him to the bedroom and made a noise of surprise when Dirk pushed him on the bed, making him feel kinda… Odd. Dirk was definitely a strong man but Hal started to worry that Dirk was being to rough. Hal was made to handle pushing, shoving, hitting and scratching but Dirks body was a lot more delicate. Dirk got in his lap and started grinding against him, desperate for some sort of relief but he was being rough enough to give himself bruises which concerned Hal so he grabbed Dirks neck much like one would grab just below a snakes neck to keep it from biting but in response Dirk moaned and tried to get rougher. 

 

Hal flipped their positions so he was on top of Dirk, pinning his neck down with one hand while the other held his hip down.

 

"Dirk, goodness, you're going to end up covered in bruises if you keep this up." Hal said, watching the human squirm under him. By the look on Dirks face, Hal doubted he'd even care about bruises. Hal wasn't really sure what he felt looking at Dirk when he was like this.. He knew it wasn't arousal. Hal wasn't sure he could even experience arousal. Maybe he was feeling curious. But now wasn't the time to figure out what he was feeling.

 

"Dirk, take a deep breath. You're gonna get what you want." He said quietly and leaned down, kissing his human gently, silencing any protests he had. He slowly moved his hands, unbuttoning Dirk's pants and pulled them down to his knees to give his dick some sort of relief. He stopped kissing his lips, making his way down to Dirks neck to give him the bruises he wanted oh so badly.. actually, that was a bad idea. People would know it was Hal who gave him those bruises. So, he pulled Dirks shirt off and started kissing his chest, making sure the marks were away from the public eye, knowing that his cool lips would provide some relief from the heat his body was producing.

 

"Hal, please.." Dirk mumbled above him, squirming slightly. He was so desperate and needy. It was kinda cute. So, Hal complied to Dirks near incoherent plea and pulled his boxers down, letting his dick free from the slightly scratchy fabric. Hal made a mental note to buy him better underwear.

 

Hal pulled away, much to Dirks disappointment, and just took in the sight of him. His hair was a mess already, his face was completely flushed, his chest and neck had a few red patches from Hal's mouth, his poor dick was already leaking pre and Dirks face… Hal knew he'd never be able to get over Dirks face. His shades tangled up in his hair, those beautiful orange eyes staring back at him with a look of want and need, those beautiful freckles made even more prominent from his blood rushing.. Hal ensured he got plenty of secret pictures to show Dirk later.

 

Hal smiled down at Dirk and gave his lips a small peck before crouching down in between Dirks legs. This was going to be the complicated part. Hal had no saliva and his mouth was fairly cold.. Maybe Dirk would be into that. Hal turned off his gag reflex and leaned forward, gently licking the tip of Dirks dick, causing Dirk to moan quietly. Nice. He wrapped his hand around his dick and started jerking him off slowly, hoping that would suffice but before he could really do anything, there was a knock at their door, making Dirk whine and put his legs on Hal's shoulders so he wouldn't leave.

 

Hal smiled up at Dirk and kissed the tip of his dick lightly. "Hey, don't be bratty. I'll go see who it is and then we'll get right back to it." He said quietly and got up, moving Dirks legs off of his shoulders.

 

"Hal, I swear to you, if I don't get to orgasm within the next hour then I will lose my mind." Dirk warned, glaring daggers at him as he sat up

 

"I know Dirky. I'll see who it is and then I'll be back before you know it." Hal reassured him, kissing him gently before leaving their bedroom and closing the door behind himself. He went to the front door and looked through the peephole, frowning when he saw Dave and Karkat just… standing there. They looked kinda impatient. Well, Karkat looked impatient and Dave looked anxious.

 

Hal quickly went back to the bedroom and opened the door, stiffening up when he saw Dirk laying on the bed, legs spread as he jerked himself off slowly. That was a.. tempting sight. "Oh.. Uhm, you're brother and his partner are here.. I think you should go into the shower and um… do that in there." He said, feeling his system heat up.

 

Dirk looked close to killing someone or starting a fight. "Hal. You stall them until I come out of the bathroom and even then, do not let anyone speak to me until I am in my sweatpants. Do you understand?" Dirk said coldly. Hal nodded quickly and closed the door again, letting Dirk deal with his…….. issue.

 

He went back to the door and opened it, nearly getting smacked in the face by Dave's hand.

 

"Fuck! Sorry, I was just about to knock again." Dave said, looking startled and confused. "Do you live here?" He questioned but Karkat spoke up before Hal could answer.

 

"Who the fuck cares?! Listen robitch, we wanted to thank you for helping us so  _ Dave _ suggested we all go out for dinner but I highly fucking doubt  _ that's _ a good idea so  _ I  _ suggested that we just give you two a bunch of shit then leave you alone." Karkat said, his arms crossed tightly. He looked tense.

 

"Oh. Hm. I am not sure how Dirk would want you to thank him. I'm sure spending time together would.." Hal trailed off and looked over at the bedroom door to make sure Dirk wasn't eavesdropping then stepped outside with them to make sure Dirk couldn't hear them. His human was not going to enjoy what he was about to do. He faced Dave, making direct eye contact before continuing. 

 

"You should hang out with Dirk. He resents you for not being there most of his childhood but I'm sure spending time with him and talking about his interests will result in a positive change. I suggest going to a park or a hiking trail and spending time walking and talking with him. Keep the subjects on things he enjoys. He enjoys robotics, electronics in general and engineering. He also enjoys music like rap, horror movies and many other things but I don't know about them yet." Hal said matter of factly. "But you should apologize to him in private. No one else around but you and him so he knows you're being genuine and not faking it for publicity." He explained, watching Dave's body language closely. He looked sad and uncomfortable.

 

"Yeah.. I'll do that. It's getting kinda late, do you think he'd wanna go for a walk now or tomorrow?" Dave asked, shifting his weight from foot to foot awkwardly. Hal looked up a weather report, how long the sun was going to be up and information about nearby nature trails and hiking trails.

 

"Both. I feel like it'd be good for you and Dirk to bond more." Karkat gave Dave a 'I told you so' look as Hal spoke. "Karkat and I can stay nearby but give you two your own space for family bonding so to speak. Once Dirk is out of the shower, I will ask him if he wants to go. Do you have any other questions for me?" Hal asked, tilting his head to the side. Dirk would've told him his speech was too robotic and he needed some sort of upgrade. It was always cute when he acted like that.

 

"Yeah… Are you dating Dirk?" Karkat asked, looking genuinely curious, zero judgement in his eyes but somehow Hal still felt embarrassed.

 

"Oh. That…. That was not a question I was prepared for." Hal stated, his eyebrows furrowing. "I'm.. No. Well… Not…" Hal trailed off. Dirk would be so upset if he said the wrong thing. This could result in a horrible career end for Dirk. "I'd rather not say without Dirk present. A lot of your social rules, especially around dating, are still unknown to me. Sense a lot of your social rules aren't even things you think of a lot, it's very hard for me to find them and obey them. Luckily, I am still able to learn them and adapt to them and I don't believe I've broken any big social rules yet." Hal explained, hoping that explanation would suffice.

 

Karkat nodded, looking genuinely interested. He already knew that Karkat could have some very interesting and fun conversations with Dirk.

 

"Nice. Now, will you invite us the fuck in? I want to sit the fuck down and chill the fuck out." Karkat grumbled, moving inside the second Hal opened the door. Dave followed his partner like an overly attached dog, sticking close. Hal wondered in Dirk was ever going to be like that. Hal went inside and closed the door behind himself, taking a mental note that Dirk was still in the shower.

 

"Make yourself at home, please. Would you like any snacks or drinks?" Hal asked cheerfully, following the handbook he had pulled up on how to make humans feel at ease in the home. Hal wasn't sure his personality fit with this but he wanted to make a good impression on them. The two shook their heads, Karkat sitting down on the couch as Dave looked around. Dave looked like he was trying to find as much information on Dirk as possible while Karkat looked like he was about to take an impromptu nap. Hal continued to follow the hand book.

 

'If they refuse snacks and drinks, go ahead and set some out. Humans enjoy eating and drinking when bored and they will unknowingly gravitate towards food and sugary drinks.' Okay. Hal could do that. He went into the kitchen and looked around. There was… Not a lot. Pretzels would be good. The saltiness and crunch helped when humans felt emotions. Now, drinks. Hal highly doubted Dirk would be happy if he gave the two his energy drinks… or any drinks. Dirk seemed like a very possessive person when it came to food. Water it is then. Hal poured the pretzels into a bowl and got two glasses of water, taking it all to the coffee table and setting it down.

 

"Here. In case you get hungry." Hal said with a smile, watching Dave lightly kick one of the 'smuppets' on the floor. Hal probably should've cleaned up the house.. To be fair, they dropped by unexpectedly and Hal was very busy getting hot and steamy with his favorite human. Dave mumbled a thanks before continuing on his apparent journey of self discovery while Karkat just made a grunt of a noise that could be interpreted as a thank you. Hal would've chastised or been disappointed at the fact Karkat was napping in his living room but Karkat had circles under his eyes that were deep and dark, making him look kinda like a raccoon. Hal decided it was in his best interest not to disturb him.

 

Dirk came out of their bedroom, looking grumpy but he no longer had a raging boner. Hal opened his mouth to greet him then remembered.

 

'Hal. You stall them until I come out of the bathroom and even then, do not let anyone speak to me until I am in my sweatpants. Do you understand?' 

 

The words went through his head clearly, making Hal shut his mouth and smile politely at Dirk. As his human shuffled by to most likely get a snack, Dave took notice of him and went to greet him but Hal gave Dave a look of warning. Dirk was not wearing his sweatpants. He was wearing pajama shorts. Dave kept his mouth shut and stayed out of Dirks way, seemingly understanding that Dirk was not in the mood to speak. Luckily, there wasn't any uncomfortable silence. The sounds of the street and their neighbors was enough to keep the group from feeling too awkward.

 

As Dirk passed Hal to get back to their bedroom with the bowl of pretzels that was meant for their guests, he gave Hal a nice kiss on the cheek that made him want to fall to his knees and worship him. Okay. Maybe this counted as dating. Or marriage. Oh, just the thought of marrying Dirk and calling him 'husband' made Hal's system heat up rapidly, sending tingles throughout his body.

 

Maybe Hal was just a teensy bit in love.

 

When Dirk emerged from their bedroom again, now wearing his sweatpants, Dave looked to Hal for guidance in whether or not to speak to him.

 

"Hello Dirk. Was your shower okay?" Hal asked politely but instead of an answer, Dirk put his forehead on Hal's shoulder, his still wet hair dripping slightly. Hal smiled and gently rubbed Dirks back, feeling content. "I'll take that as a yes. Dave and Karkat are here to see if you'd like to go on a nature trails or a hike with them as a thank you."

 

"Nasty. Just buy me things and leave me alone." Dirk said, not leaving his spot on Hal's shoulder.

 

"That's exactly what I said!" Karkat piped up, still looking sleepy. "See, I wanted us to go to a few shopping centers and give you two a credit card with a couple hundos on it."

 

"Karkles, babe, I still don't think they'd want to go do a bunch of shopping when it's this crowded. Also, you gotta stop giving away  _ my  _ money." Dave said, pouting slightly as he sat down next to Karkat

 

"Uh huh, I'll stop giving away your money when you stop being such a pussy." Karkat said coldly and looked over at Dirk who seemed like he was trying to cuddle Hal but was too tired. "Dirk, just tell us what you want."

 

Dirk looked up, looking just as sleepy as Karkat. "Hm… I wouldn't mind going for a dip in the lake. Weren't you going to get me a beach house though?"

 

"Well yeah but I wanted to do more.. I already bought one off the list you sent me. It's already fully furnished and shit. Tastefully furnished, I might add. You won't have to pay any of the bills on it either." Dave said, speaking like he was simply giving his kid a piece of candy. No wonder Karkat was always pitching for Dave to use his money.

 

"Oh.. thanks. But yeah. Going to the lake sounds nice. Maybe tomorrow though.. couldn't we have settled this over like text?" Dirk asked, looking a bit uncomfortable. It was getting kinda obviously he just wanted to cuddle with Hal and watch corny movies. At least, it was obvious to Hal.

 

"You have my numbers blocked and Roxy said you have a system set up so I can't text or call you no matter what I try.. And Karkats phone was the same way." Dave explained quietly, sounding slightly hurt.

 

"Oh… Sorry." Dirk apologized quietly, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. 

 

"It's fine, fuckaduck." Karkat said, sighing. It was obvious he was getting kinda done with the Strider awkwardness. "We get it. We're sorry we invaded your space. We're going to go, we'll have whatsherface text you or some fucking shit." Karkat grumbled, getting up from his comfortable place on the couch. "Dave, let's get the fuck out." He demanded, giving Hal some sort of.. look. Maybe it was understanding? Maybe he knew that it was the time of day when Striders got cuddly and dumb.

 

"Yes, we don't want to keep you two from your home!" Hal said happily, quickly opening the front door for the two. Karkat said a quick goodbye as he practically dragged Dave out of the apartment, Hal quickly shutting the door behind them after returning the farewell. The second the door was closed, Dirks lovely arms wrapped around his waist, squeezing him lightly.

 

"Oh, hello there. Is someone sleepy and therefore cuddly?" Hal questioned, amused by his little human. All he got was a hum in return and a squeeze. Hal chuckled and turned around, picking Dirk up before taking him over to the couch for cuddles. He sat down and got comfortable, setting Dirk in his lap. This was going to be a lovely night.

 

Dirk got himself situated, his head resting on Hal's chest as he stared at the blank TV. He was so beautiful. Hal couldn't wait to see him swimming around in a lake.

 

He handed Dirk the TV remote and started gently combing through his wet hair, not wanting it to tangle. "You look so handsome.. Well, you always look oh so very handsome. I can't believe you aren't a professional model. Well, I can believe it. People want unnatural beauty, not something straight from the earth herself. Like Aphrodite blessed you with all the natural beauty she could give a single mortal. Truly, a thing to worship and admire." Hal whispered, watching Dirks face flush. He wanted to give him the entire world and more. He pulled Dirk closer, adjusting his soft and delicate body so Dirks back was against his chest. He moved his hands down to Dirks thighs, gently rubbing them as he whispered praise in Dirks ear.

 

"Hal, don't start something you can't finish.." Dirk mumbled, worn out from a day of teasing.

 

Hal simply smiled and kissed Dirks neck. "I assure you, if we get a visitor, they'll have to wait until I've made my beautiful husb- human happy." Hal whispered, embarrassed by his mistake. He really hoped Dirk didn't acknowledge the fact he almost called him 'husband'. Knowing Dirk, that would freak him out.

 

As they binge watched shows and content, Hal continued his little hand adventure, getting all the tension out of Dirks body. Hopefully, tomorrow will be just as amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay listen. I know I said this would be the last blue balling chapter BUT my friend peer pressured me into holding off a sex scene yet again so who's REALLY the villain here


	16. Pretty.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hal and Dirk get frisky for real

Hal laid in bed, gently playing with Dirks hair. They almost had intercourse last night but his poor human was much too tired to do anything serious so Hal decided it would've been best to just go to bed and he was right. Dirk had been so exhausted he passed out the second his head hit the pillow.

 

Now, with the nice morning light shining on the two of them, Hal watched his delicate little human sleep. He most certainly deserved it. The poor guy always worked himself to the bone. Burned the candle at both ends as some would say. He looked beautiful as he rested. His naturally curly hair splayed across the pillow in beautiful patterns, those soft cheeks flushed a light pink, his slightly chapped lips separated oh so slightly.. Hal couldn't even fathom leaving him for anyone else. He was much too… perfect.

 

Dirk slowly stirred, his eyes opening slowly then closing once he saw it was just Hal in his bed. He rolled onto his stomach, joints releasing the air trapped between them causing multiple popping noises. Dirk made a sleepy groan noise and went limp, nuzzling his pillow. It was obvious he was very comfortable.

 

"Good morning." Hal whispered quietly, having memorized multiple articles on how to make a human as comfortable as possible when waking up. Quiet noises, no fast movements, little stimulation.

 

"Mmm….. Mornin'.." Dirk mumbled, taking a deep breath before continuing, in no rush to talk. "Do we have anythin' to do today..?" He asked quietly, eyes still shut.

 

"Well, we promised Dave and Karkat we'd go to the lake with them but we are in no hurry to get there." Hal explained quietly, leaning over and kissing his head. Dirk hummed in response, encouraging Hal to cuddle him.

 

"Good.. Cuddle me." Dirk demanded, refusing to move from his spot as Hal got closer and gently moved Dirks body to its side, holding him against his chest and spooning him. Hal pulled the covers up to their necks, hoping that would keep Dirk content. Hal wished he could smell him. Smell what his shampoo was like, smell his sheets..

 

"What's the uh…. Weather like? Like um… fuck…" Dirks face scrunched up adorably before he opened his eyes and wiggled around so he could face Hal, disappointing the android only slightly. "How cold is the lake gonna be?" Dirk asked, yawning before scooting closer, nuzzling Hal's chest.

 

"Hm.. Not that cold, just chilly but you'll warm up to it fairly quickly. I suggest bringing a jacket in case you get too cold." Hal said, checking the weather. Chilly but lots of sun, average temperatures.. Should be a nice day for swimming. Dirk nodded and lightly squeezed Hal's waist before sighing. 

 

"I guess I should start getting up… Could you fix me breakfast? Literally anything would be good." He mumbled, still sleepy. Hal smiled and nodded, getting out of bed and going to the kitchen to make Dirk breakfast.

 

Since Dirk would be swimming, he'd need a healthy breakfast with lots of calories so he wouldn't get exhausted.. Yoghurt with some oats mixed in and oatmeal with fruit. That should be good enough for him but there was one issue: Dirk had none of that. No fruits, no yoghurt, nothing but energy drinks and takeout food. Well. This was going to be difficult.

 

"Dirk, I'm going to the store to get you some proper food. Is that okay?" He asked as he went back into the bedroom to look for- Oh.

 

Dirk was out of bed, completely naked, looking for comfortable clothes. He looked over at Hal, his beautiful orange eyes staring right into Hal's soul made out circuits and wires.

 

"Hm? Yeah, that's okay, just try not to get anything too expensive." Dirk said before bending over to grab some sweatpants that were on the floor. That sight alone made Hal want to stay home all day and spoil him rotten.

 

"O-Okay…" Hal mumbled, his voice box going a bit haywire for a second causing a stutter in his tone. He quickly grabbed a shirt from Dirks closet and shoved it on before quickly leaving the bedroom. "I'll be back in just a bit!" He called out and slipped his shoes on, grabbing the apartment keys before leaving. He closed and locked the door behind himself before rushing down the stairs, feeling his artificial heart pounding away in his chest. Why did he have to be so beautiful?

 

Hal took a deep breath, letting the polluted air cool his system. He walked quickly, weaving through the crowd and avoided hitting anyone with his body which was fairly easy. He got to the grocery store in no time, surprised there wasn't a big crowd. A few families and friends wandering around for a good breakfast meal but not much else. Hal moved quickly to the fruits, not wanting to waste time. Just thinking about Dirk home alone with nothing there to cuddle and speak to made Hal want to whine and complain but this wasn't the time nor the place. He got strawberries, blueberries, grapes, oranges and a few apples, all for Dirk. Hopefully this would encourage him to eat healthier. He made his way to the dairy aisle, finding the yoghurt in no time but what Hal didn't expect was all the different brands. This one said it was really healthy but so did this one and this one and this one… this one just looked like it was made for kids. Maybe Dirk would like that one?? 

 

A fellow android seemed to notice Hal's struggle and walked right up to him. They didn't wear a workers uniform so they must've been a household model. "How old is your human?" They asked sweetly, a kind smile on their face. Based on the items in their cart they took care of two teenagers.

 

"Twenty five. He's going swimming today." Hal said, giving the android a kind of helpless look. This was all very confusing. How did Hal know what brands were best for Dirk?

 

"Hm.. I don't know much about adults but I always buy this when I plan on mixing it with fruits." They picked up a packet that had simple packaging. "My teens seem to love it despite having very different taste buds. Since it has a low amount of sugar, the fruit always compliments it nicely." They said, handing the packet to Hal who gratefully put it in his basket.

 

"Thank you so much. I knew there was going to be a lot of different types of yoghurt but I didn't expect all the different brands.. Do you know what type of oats would go well with this? I plan on mixing the fruit in with oatmeal and yoghurt and I don't want it to be too bland or sour." Hal explained, confused. He was not made to take care of an adult human but he was certainly going to try.

 

"Oh, that's easy! Since a lot of oatmeal brands add extra sugar into their packets, I usually get one of those cylinder containers that they advertise for baking uses. They frequently have no added sugar and it lasts a long time." They explained and pulled a medium sized cylinder out of their cart to show Hal. Baking oats, no sugar added. Hal took a picture of it and nodded.

 

"Thank you! My human only has take out and energy drinks in his fridge. It's quite concerning and I highly doubt it's good for his body." Hal said and sighed, shaking his head.

 

The other android frowned, nodding in understanding. "Ah yes, if left to their own devices, humans will eat whatever is cheapest and fastest. I suggest getting him some ready meals! They sell them near the meat aisle, you can't miss it. You can freeze them and they last a long time. They're kind of expensive but it's definitely worth getting at least one so your human can have an easy and healthy meal ready to go!" They said happily, showing Hal one of the little meals they got themselves. It contained chicken, asparagus and…. Nothing else. A very simple meal. Nice.

 

"Thank you, once again. I'll go check them out and I'll be sure to notify my human of your help." Hal said, knowing a positive comment on a home android would go a long way. The other android smiled brightly and as they said their goodbyes, Hal went straight to the breakfast section of the store. Finding the oats was easy but boy, there were a lot of people in that aisle. A lot of rowdy kids, parents barely paying attention, confused young adults and stressed homecare androids. Hal just grabbed his oats and left as quickly as possible.

 

As he made his way to the meat section of the store, he got a few dirty looks from different humans. Some proudly displaying that they were anti android by wearing pins or hats while others just glared at him. Hal decided it was best to grab a ready meal and head to the check out as fast as possible. He used the self checkout, not wanting to bother the cashier's and even got Dirk an orange colored gatorade. He paid and left quickly, glad to be out of that store. He set his basket by the store entrance with the others and carried his bags of groceries back home, happily fantasizing about Dirk eating what he made for him.

 

When he got back to the apartment, he realized his hands were full. He couldn't unlock the door or knock properly so he kicked the door lightly to simulate a knock, pouting at the fact he wasn't let in immediately. It took Dirk a while to open the door but when he did, Hal beamed at him.

 

Except..

 

It wasn't Dirk.

  
  


It was English.

  
  


In his apartment.

  
  


Alone.

  
  
  


With Dirk.

  
  
  
  


His Dirk.

  
  


Together.

  
  
  


Alone.

  
  
  


With no one else.

  
  
  


Hal couldn't even explain the flurry of emotions that overwhelmed him. He didn't even notice he was glaring at Jake, wanting him gone immediately. Before Hal could tackle Jake like he so desperately wanted, Dirk popped up beside the bastard with a slightly concerned look.

 

"Hal! Hey, thanks for getting groceries. Jake just arrived and he wanted to have breakfast. With us." Dirk said, quickly pulling Hal inside and into the kitchen, not giving Jake a chance to open his mouth.

 

"Ah. Okay." Hal said quietly and set the bags down on the table. "I got fruits, yoghurt, oats and an already prepared meal for you to have for dinner." Hal said, pulling the items out of their plastic bags.

 

Dirk kept his hand on Hal's arm, a relieved smile on his face. His face. Which was flushed. What the fuck were they doing before he got there?!

 

"Thanks Hal, you're a lifesaver. I'll help you get everything ready, Jake you can just sit on the co-"

 

"Oh no need!" Jake interrupted, clasping his hands together. "I'd be happy to help make breakfast!" He chirped, his annoyingly fake accent making Hal want to commit crimes.

 

"There's no need for either of you to help. I only need to make oatmeal and cut up some fruit, both of you just sit at the table and wait." Hal said, trying his hardest not to sound bitter or jealous. He took the yoghurt, fruit and oatmeal and set them on the counter, quickly getting to work as he tried not to notice Jake trying to play footsies under the table with Dirk who was not having it.

 

Hal made the oatmeal, cut the fruit, mixed the shit that needed to be mixed and set the shit in front of the two humans a bit aggressively. He couldn't help it, he was upset. Both humans startled a little, looking at Hal with cautious looks.

 

Dirk cleared his throat and gently put his hand on Hal's. "Thank you for breakfast." He said, trying to reassure him. Hal just sat right next to Dirk, trying his hardest not to pout.

 

"You're welcome." Hal said quietly and watched the two eat in relative silence, the occasional small talk sounding like nails on a chalkboard on Hal's ears. What were they doing while he was gone? Did Jake try something? What if Jake managed to win Dirk back?? The swarming thoughts made Hal feel shittier and sadder. He didn't want Dirk to go back with Jake. He wanted Dirk to stay with him.

 

"Well um.. this has been a grand old time but I think I must get going.. I'll um.. Text you later, Dirk." Jake said quietly before quickly leaving, leaving his dirty dish on the table, that fucker. The second Jake was gone, Dirk turned to Hal.

 

"You okay? We didn't do anything- mmff!" Hal cut Dirk off by kissing him passionately, pulling the other man into his lap just to get him closer. He squeezed Dirks waist, wanting to leave bruises on his lovely pale body so everyone knew who he belonged to. He slipped his tongue into Dirks inviting mouth, earning a surprised moan. He moved his hands down to Dirks hips and squeezed them before moving his hand in between his legs, lightly palming him.

 

Dirk pulled away, his face flushed once again. "Okay! Hal, holy fuck. Listen, I am all for surprise makeouts in the kitchen but I need a bit of warning before you reach for my Dirk Junior." Dirk said, his arms resting on Hal's shoulders. He kind of looked scared about breaking the chair. To be fair, they were both fairly heavy dudes so breaking the chair wasn't out of the question.

 

"You two didn't…. Do anything, right?" Hal asked quietly, ignoring the fact Dirk called his penis 'Dirk Junior' and knew he looked and sounded like a dumb child that was making sure his best friend didn't go somewhere without him. Hal certainly felt like a child.

 

"What? Of course not, Jake probably has twenty different STDs, I'm not letting him anywhere near my junk or mouth. He was just being weird and persistent." Dirk said, frowning. "Dude, I don't like anyone but you. Now let's keep making out, this is getting kind of hot."

 

Hal smiled and complied, kissing him once again but decided to go slow with him this time, taking his sweet time to get Dirk riled up. He removed his hand from in between Dirks legs, setting them on his hips to keep himself in check and lightly bit Dirks bottom lip to tease him.

 

Dirk cheerfully let Hal explore his mouth with his tongue, quickly moaning against his lips. Right. Human tongues were weirdly sensitive. Hal decided to try something and made his tongue vibrate ever so slightly, earning a surprised yet pleased noise from Dirk. Okay. Doing good.

 

…. Now what? Did they have sex? That would be awkward because Hal didn't have a dick. Well, he had a vibrating tongue but he probably shouldn't shove dicks down his throat. Maybe give Dirk a rimjob? No no, that wouldn't be good either.. Well, Dirk would figure something out. Humans were always good at getting themselves off. There were multiple websites designed specifically for humans to get off on.

 

Hal inhaled sharply when Dirk grinded down on his non-existent dick, probably just trying to get himself some pleasure which he seemed to succeed in. Hal could tell he was aroused already.

 

"Fuck.. Hal, do you have any idea what you're doing?" Dirk asked, sounding a bit frustrated and needy but Hal knew Dirk wasn't frustrated with him.

 

"Um.. To be honest, no. There isn't anything available for androids on how to pleasure a human when you don't exactly have anything to pleasure them with." Hal said, kind of disappointed that he wasn't doing a good job.

 

Dirk sighed and nodded, getting off his lap. "Then I'll show you what to do. C'mon, I have a few toys we can use." Dirk said as he lead Hal to their bedroom. Toys.. like sex toys. Where did Dirk have sex toys?? Hal never saw any.

 

Dirk got down on his hand and knees, looking under his bed for something and Hal just couldn't resist getting on his knees behind Dirk and grabbing his hips, pressing his pelvis against Dirks ass, causing the human to shudder.

 

"Hal, fuck, give a guy some warning!" Dirk said, his ears tinted red. It was obvious that Dirk enjoyed the position.

 

"Sorry, I couldn't help myself, you're too pretty like this. I really should buy a nice sex toy that I can wear and fuck you with. Once I get one, I'd like to fuck you just like this but I'd have to get you some kneepads first because I'm sure this is hard on y-"

 

"Hal, for the love of all that is holy, cut the bullshit caring for me shit. It's really sweet and I love it and yes, this is difficult on my knees but I'll be fine as long as you keep talking about how much you want to fuck me because god damn, I am so fucking horny for you like I'd put a damn teenager at a public pool full of pornstars to shame because that's how god damn horny I am." Dirk rambled, pressing back against Hal. Well. Okay.

 

"If you say so.. You should know better than to just bend over like this. You're practically inviting me to grab your ass- Never mind, that sound too sexual predatory for my liking." Hal apologized, smiling when he heard Dirk snicker. "You know Dirk, you look beautiful like this. On your hands and knees just for me. It's so hard to resist you like this. I just know that if I wore a toy, you'd fuck yourself on it like it was the last time you'd ever be allowed to cum. But I wouldn't let you leave after just one orgasm, oh no. I'm much too curious about all the positions we could try! You riding me, me forcing my toy down your throat, up against the wall, sideways, upside-down, so many others and don't forget the things we could do with some rope!" Hal said cheerfully, reaching down to lightly palm Dirk through his sweatpants. "We could spend days on end just experimenting and playing. You'd be in non-stop pleasure and bliss while I'd get the distinct pleasure of watching you and experimenting you. Of course we'd have little breaks in between but even those would be filled with pleasure for you. Your favorite foods, your favorite drinks, everything you want without you having to move a muscle." He cooed, patting his thigh as he moved his hand away from his dick.

 

"Hal…" Dirk mumbled, his thighs tensing lightly. "Fuck, I need you to fuck me with a toy, any toy, I don't care, I just need you to make me cum." Dirk said desperately and yanked a box out from under the bed. Inside said box was an impressive collection of sex toys. Vibrators, dildos, plugs.. Hal was going to have a fun time with this!

 

He grabbed a simple dildo, wanting to start simple. It was completely black in color and wasn't made to feel realistic. It was big, definitely but it wasn't too much of a stretch. It was a good starter if you were a size queen.

 

"Get on the bed, dear. Just know that I won't be actively participating in the.. feeling lust part." Hal said before getting up, helping Dirk off the floor. Hal still wasn't sure he could experience sexual feelings. He knew he enjoyed making Dirk feel good.

 

Hal watched Dirk quickly shove his sweatpants off and hop onto the bed, looking excited and ready for sexy times.

 

"I know! Honestly, I don't care if you're feeling sexual as long as you're happy and I'm getting my rocks off." Dirk said, a grin on his face. Hal already knew they were going to have a fun time together.

 

"Good, I don't want to disappoint you." Hal said and got on the bed after grabbing the lube from Dirks nightstand. He sat on his knees in between Dirks legs and examined him. He was…. Effervescent, stellar, heavenly, angelic, tempting.. Absolutely godly and ethereal. Okay, he was starting to sound like a lesbian that was going through some shit.

 

"Hal? Dude, c'mon, my dick is ready to fuckin go, all aboard the orgasm express, leaving the second you shove that dildo in me." Dirk joked, a big smile on his face. That smile could stop an entire army in its tracks.

 

"Sorry, I was just.. thinking about how beautiful you are." He apologized and leaned down, gently kissing his cheek before leaning back and pulling Dirk closer by his thighs. "Now c'mere and let me absolutely wreck you." Hal said with a smirk and got a generous amount of lube on the toy, knowing Dirk would be able to handle it without any stretching.

 

"Oh shit-" Was all Dirk managed to say before the cold head of the toy was pushed into his hole and the look of surprise on Dirks face was amazing. The look changed, Dirk scrunching his face up from the sudden stretch but he relaxed under Hal, taking the toy like a champ. Hal knew it wasn't that difficult for Dirk, there were toys MUCH bigger than this in that box. He let the toy sit, the base right against Dirks ass, waiting for Dirk to get used to the feeling.

 

"Oh my fucking god, it feel like a damn fucking icicle it's so fucking cold holy mother of all things  _ holy _ , this is so fucking weird and crazy feeling like you can't even begin to understand it." Dirk mumbled, shivering a bit. Hal knew it wasn't actually that cold, Dirk was just being overdramatic.. It was cute.

 

"Dirk, I'd be surprised if it wasn't a little chilly. Just try relaxing your lower half and then we can really get that orgasm train going. Choo choo." Hal said, smiling as he mimed pulling a string to make the 'choo choo' noise.

 

Dirk huffed out a laugh as he tried to get his lower body to relax around the toy, wanting to get back on that orgasm train as soon as possible. Choo choo.

 

Once Dirk was relaxed and ready, Hal slowly pulled the toy out before pushing it back it. This was definitely awkward, seeing as only one person was experiencing pleasure but it was made significantly less awkward by the fact that they both knew Hal wasn't interested in getting his rocks off.

 

Hal used one hand to pump the toy in and out of him while the other slowly jerked Dirk off, wanting to give him as much stimulation as possible. Dirk mumbled occasionally, praise and curses sprinkled here and there and boy he didn't last very long, twitching under Hal happily when his orgasm hit him.

 

Dirk got a sort of sad look on his face once the afterglow faded and gave Hal an apologetic look. "Sorry I came so early, I've just been really pent up and-"

 

"Don't apologize!" Hal said, knowing he looked way too excited. "This was fascinating! You truly are a marvel to look at. I'm not surprised you came so quickly, you've been very stressed the past few days. Also, the goal was to give you a good orgasm so I see this as an accomplishment!" Hal said happily, slowly pulling the toy out of his partner and set it to the side. He'd clean it later.

 

Dirk flushed and looked away, still twitching a bit from the sensitivity. He looked absolutely…. God like. No, not god like, just.. beautiful. A natural beauty. One you find in nature, when no one else is around. Perfectly beautiful, everything placed just so. Natural and sublime.

 

"I'll go get a towel to clean you up with then we need to get going to the lake. We don't want to keep your brother waiting." Hal said quietly and kissed his partners jaw before getting out of bed. He was absolutely in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all wanted them to fuck, so I made them fuck.  
> Plus some nice words.


	17. The Past.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into Dirks past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be good, it might not. Who the fuck knows.

_ Right now, dear Reader, you are Dirk. Past Dirk to be specific. That's why the font is different. _

 

_ You are  _ **_two years old_ ** _. You are happy. You get to live with your bro. He doesn't seem as happy about it as you are. You think it's because he doesn't like how often you leave your toys out and that he isn't used to living with another person. Sometimes though, you two have lots of fun!! He takes you to these events with lots of flashing lights and really pretty people wearing pretty clothes. During those events, you have to really behave. You have to be quiet and still and 'look nice'. You don't know what that means but you think you do it right since you get ice cream afterwards. You like these events because bro holds you and plays with you often and you get plenty of treats! Bro even jokes around with you and makes you laugh. After the events is the part you don't like as much. While you eat your ice cream, Dave usually drinks really bad smelling stuff and hides in his room. You don't like it. You aren't allowed to see him for the rest of the day. _

 

_ You are  _ **_five years old_ ** _. You are beginning to understand that bro  _ **_doesn't want you_ ** _. You being there is a  _ **_mistake_ ** _. You don't  _ **_belong_ ** _. The adults lie to you and reassure you, telling you that everything is okay but they all suck at lying. Bro  _ **_doesn't like you_ ** _. He doesn't play with you and keeps sending you away to your Aunt Rose. She doesn't talk much either but when she does, it confuses you. She asks a lot of questions that make you feel weird like she's trying to get you in trouble. Roxy says that's normal. _

_ Dave takes you to a meeting. You are an  _ **_object._ ** _ You make him  _ **_look good._ ** _ There is a weird lady there. She has kids too. They're your age. One boy and one girl. You really enjoy playing with them. The boy is cute and speaks funny. The girl is really shy but she likes your stuffed animal collection. They're cool. _

_ "Boy howdy!! You get this entire place to yourself?!" The boy shouts, looking around your room. Dave decided it was a good idea to have them over for a playdate. _

_ You nod. Your room is big and nice. You have lots of paintings covering your walls. You have a huge TV. You have lots of toys. It's all amazing. It's your favorite place. _

_ The girl is playing with your little stuffed rabbit while the boy looks through the thousands of movies you have on your TV. You feel really cool. _

_ Androids are the new thing. They supposedly help with everything. Jake brags that his family makes the best. He gives you one.. It dies within a week. You don't tell him. _

 

_ You are  _ **_nine years old_ ** _. Androids are everywhere and you don't call Dave 'bro' anymore. You stay at home all day. You don't do anything. Sometimes Dave gets upset and yells at you. You don't care. You have nothing to do. There's nothing to do so you take apart androids and study them. Dave doesn't care where you go so you stay at Roxy's house. It's actually fun. You two run around and play for days. You watch different TV shows and movies, you play different video games and board games, you play physical games too. You stay up late talking. You confess that you like Jake. She dares you to tell him you like him. You do. He doesn't talk to you anymore. It makes you sad but Roxy helps you through it. In the night, you seek out pain. You find it. You don't tell anyone. You no longer smile either. _

 

_ You are  _ **_fourteen years old_ ** _. You haven't smiled in years. You don't talk to anyone besides your friends. Right now, you're dating Jake English. He talks to a lot of girls all the time and hurts your feelings a lot but.. you guess that's normal. You try seeking advice from Dave but he just ignores you as per usual. Eventually Dave tells you to never tell anyone you're dating Jake. It's  _ **_wrong_ ** _. Jake uses you the same way Dave does. It's confusing and it hurts. Jake posts pictures of your scars. He uses you to look better. Jane doesn't like this but she says it's normal and healthy for guys like Jake to act like this. You don't understand. You don't think Jane understands either. _

 

_ You are _ **_fifteen years old_ ** _. You no longer speak to Jake or his family. Dave says you deserved it. He puts you on drugs after you have multiple mental breaks and hurt yourself majorly. You wreck his house in return. You get a bat, a screwdriver and a blowtorch. You break everything. Dave sends you to Aunt Roses house after screaming at you for hours. Aunt Rose tries to ask you questions but you don't speak to her. You don't speak to anyone besides Roxy but you rarely speak to her either. Roxy understands. You get different facial piercings. You actually look good. Aunt Rose actually tries to help and sends you to a therapist. You don't speak. All you do is take apart androids, reassemble them and make them better. You make Aunt Rose and Roxy an android cat to apologise for the way you've acted and for making them worry. Roxy loves it. Aunt Rose helps you more. _

 

_ You are  _ **_eighteen years old._ ** _ You're a legal adult. You spent your time at Aunt Roses house studying the law. You take what you want from Dave's house and move to Chicago. You get a job that you hate but you're good at it. You talk now but only to people who deserve it. You do business on the side as well. You repair androids and make some for people who are desperate for human contact. Sexdroids.  _

 

_ You are  _ **_twenty two years old_ ** _. You work hard. You're a detective and a damn good one. You solve lots of things. People think it's weird how you are never affected by gore. You tell them about all the times you've seen your own insides. You get sent to a therapist for a while. She doesn't help. You realize you're really intimidating and use that to your advantage when interrogating suspects. You make people cry. You can't bring yourself to feel sympathy for them. _

 

_ You are  _ **_twenty four years old_ ** _. You are demoted. You're 'too unstable' and 'cant control yourself'. You understand. You did make lots of people cry and you did threaten a lot of them. You do feel semi guilty when your captain tells you she's upset with you. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Dirk sighed to himself as he went over his life. He wasn't sure he could forgive Dave for neglecting him and just generally being a bad guardian. He'd try though. Hal really wanted him to be happy and make amends.

 

He made a deal with himself. He wouldn't forgive Dave until he admitted he was a shitty guardian and apologized for everything. To be fair, Dave got Dirk dumped on him when they were both young but that didn't excuse a lot of his behaviors. Dirk wanted an apology. Dave should just be happy Dirk wasn't asking him to grovel and beg for forgiveness.


	18. Lake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk, Hal, Karkat and Dave go to a lake!

Dirk stepped off the bus and looked around, Hal standing right next to him. They were at the lake and there was practically no one there. It looked.. apocalyptic. But Dirk appreciated the lack of people. He knew from experience that if someone saw Dave, they would've recognized him then that person would've called attention to it and then boom, there's a crowd of people getting more attention from Dave than he's gotten in a month….. Okay, maybe Dirk was still a bit bitter about everything. It was only fair. Dave wasn't a good guardian.

 

Dirk was yanked out of his thoughts by the sound of music and noticed Dave waving at them, already sitting in a chair next to the lake in his swimsuit. Karkat sat next to him, drinking from an opaque bottle that had little crab designs along the sides. Hal lightly tugged on Dirks hand, leading him towards them.

 

"No starting fights." Hal said, repeating the rules they set earlier.

"Right."

"And try to be polite. Don't be a dick just to make him feel bad."

"I know."

"If it gets to the point where you want to drown him or yourself, come back to shore and talk with me. I'll even hold you in my lap."

"That's kinda gay."

Hal sighed and glanced at Dirk, showing his disappointment.

Dirk sighed back and nudged him. "I know. I'll keep myself in check and when I need to go, I'll just cling to you like a little kid with social anxiety." Dirk mumbled and squeezed Hal's hand before letting go once they got close to Karkat and Dave.

 

"Dirk! Hal! Wassup? Man, isn't it such a beautiful da-"

"Dave, no one wants to hear that fucking bullshit." Karkat interrupted and tossed Dirk some sunscreen and a cold water bottle. "Dave told me you're a water kid so go jump in the nasty lake after you get that sunscreen on. Dave, you go too. Your skin will be fine you little pussy." Karkat said before Dave could complain. It was kinda obvious that Karkat wanted to talk with Hal alone but Dirk suspected it was also obvious he wanted to talk with Dave. There were two floating tubes right next to Karkat. One was a crab looking thing and the other kinda looked like a seagull. They looked ominous.

 

Dirk held the cold water bottle and sunscreen. Well. Someone cared for Dirks skin. He opened the sunscreen and put a little on his hand and oh shit it smelled like mangos. Hal helped him out, getting his back while Dirk smeared the 'fuck you sun' lotion on his arms, legs, face, other body parts and booped Hal's nose with the excess.

 

Dave and Dirk began their 'journey' to the lake once Dirk was properly coated, both carrying an ominous floaty tube. The silence was.. awkward. They were both tense. Dirk was just hoping they could get into the water as soon as possible so he could just swim away from his problems. He set his water bottle on the sand and started wading into the water while Dave just held onto his floaty.

 

"How the fuck do you do that? Just… walk into the lake like that. Isn't it hella cold and nasty?" Dave asked, standing right out of reach of the water.

 

"Uh.. yeah? It's chilly but that's because it's fucking water. It's cold at first but then you get used to it. It's water, Dave, it won't bite." Dirk said sarcastically and wandered in deeper, his feet getting covered. Dave quickly followed, not wanting to be left behind.

 

"And um…… hey.. I'm sorry. I know this is a weird conversation transition but.. I'm sorry for not being a good guardian." Dave said quietly, following Dirk until they were both hip deep.

 

"I… I can't say my normal generic responses because it's not fine and it's not okay. You were a piece of shit. To be fair though, I was dumped on you at an early age. It couldn't have been easy trying to raise your baby brother while running your own.. thing. I can't remember what you did back then.. and to be even more fair, I was a dickwad when I was a teenager. I shouldn't have broken everything you owned and I should have tried more but yeah. You really sucked and it really hurt and it took me years to get over it." Dirk said, running a hand through his hair. "Wanna talk about it while we float?"

 

"Yeah."

 

And with that confirmation, they both swam further out into the lake and set their tubes on the water before slipping into them so they could chill. It was calming. Dirk always loved water. The nice little rocking, the sounds, it was all just so relaxing. It was one of the few times Dirk could fall asleep instantly.

 

"So.. I'm sorry for being a shitty guardian." Dave said quietly, staring up at the sky. "I'm sorry for ignoring you and your education for years, I'm sorry for never playing with you or giving you the stimulation you needed, I'm sorry for never being there, I'm sorry for using you to look good.. I'm sorry for all of it. Most of all, I'm sorry for not kicking Jake's ass when you used you like that and not kicking my own ass for being a fucking dick." Dave said and looked over at Dirk, a sad expression on his face.

 

Dirk sighed, playing with the water. "Thanks.. It's going to be really difficult to forgive you on this."

 

Dave frowned and nodded quickly. "Of course, I never expected you to forgive me at all. You don't have to say anything either, I just.. wanted you to know that I regret all of that."

 

Dirk nodded. "I understand. Thanks for not doing this to make yourself feel better. Um.. let's change the subject. This is awkward. How'd you meet Karkat? He seems really loud and you're…. Not." Dirk said, sayinging the first thing that came to mind. He felt so awkward.

 

Dave immediately got a happy look on his face when Karkat was brought up. It was painfully obvious that Dave was completely head over heels for the angry man.

 

"Well shit.. I'll be honest. I went to a strip club, saw him, and immediately wanted to talk to him. He was gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. Long story short, we ended up.. sleeping together at my place and then the next morning I had my chef fix him whatever he wanted and he ended up staying a few days with me. We really grew close. He liked my money and the fact I didn't want to always have sex and I was just completely in love with him and then at some point we started dating. All I remember was agreeing with whatever he said. We got closer and closer and I learned so much about him. He loves romantic movies and books. All I had to do was some stereotypical things and he would love it. We play fight all the time though. Karkats never actually mad at me, he just likes yelling his feelings. Since our parents weren't…." Dave trailed off and sighed. "Our parents ignored us the same way I ignored you but worse. They wouldn't even recognize that we were living with them. They'd never talk to us but occasionally dad would get pissed and… have a surprise fight with me. They never showed their feelings and when I shared this with Karkat, he made sure I always knew what he was feeling, where he was in the house, everything. Never a silent moment. Hell, he even made a fucking rule about it. If we're in a real argument, he's not allowed to give me the silent treatment for longer than two minutes. We can have our alone time but he still needs to acknowledge my being there." Dave rambled, clearly feeling like he was the luckiest man in the world just to be able to speak with Karkat.

 

"I adore him. I wanted to propose within the first few weeks but then I started watching the movies he recommended and I'm planning on holding that off for a while. It's all going to be absolutely perfect for him." Dave said, a big smile on his face. He genuinely loved Karkat. "What about you? What's the deal with android dude? You two look… close."

 

Dirk flushed when Dave brought up Hal and tried to sink deeper into his seagull tube. "Oh… Well….. Fuck, you can't tell anyone, okay? My job is at stake and he could get scrapped." Dirk warned

 

Dave nodded and held his hand against his chest. "I swear. You can't tell anyone about Karkat either. He doesn't want the spotlight on him." Dave said. They quickly shook hands before Dirk continued.

 

"Well… Hal is supposed to be my work partner but.. I really like him and I think we're dating now. He defends me no matter what, he always cares for me and he shares my affection.. He's really sweet and kind as well. Fuck, he's so fucking attractive too. Like, those fucking engineers knew what they were doing when they made him. Have you seen his ass and his legs? Holy shit dude. He's so fucking strong too, I just.." Dirk covered his face, smiling uncontrollably. "He defends me around Jake too and he gets so jealous, it's all just adorable! When he gets jealous, he likes to hold me or touch me and his voice starts getting deep, it's just so cute and hot!" Dirk said, not believing that he was actually gushing over Hal like this.

 

Dave had a huge grin on his face, nodding along. "Dude, I completely understand. Karkat got jealous once and I ended up having to cuddle him the rest of the day or else he'd get upset and start making these adorable noises! Like holy shit….. I think we found the perfect partners. Oh wait, have you two… fucked?" Dave asked, jumping from super sweet to perverted in seconds.

 

Dirk slowly nodded, kinda confused as to why Dave was asking.

 

"Oh sweet. Is it like.. smooth down there or is there something? Is it a Ken doll situation? If there's something there, how big is it? Does it vibrate? Can he, like, extend it? Can he heat it? Can he make his tongue vibrate? Can he make his fingers vibrate?" Dave bombarded Dirk with questions, looking genuinely curious. Dirk could deal with curious.

 

"It was completely smooth, unfortunately. But since it was a Ken doll situation, I'm thinking I can just get him a strapon or some attachments of some sort or maybe just stick one with a suction cup on there. I think he can vibrate his tongue but he shouldn't be digesting that stuff so we refrained from doing it and holy shit I fucking hope he can vibrate his fingers. That would be.. heavenly." Dirk said, smiling. He never got embarrassed about these things anymore. Selling sexdroids to extremely lonely people for years kinda built up his resistance to embarrassment. 

 

Dave nodded wisely, grinning. "Fuuuck yeah. Vibrating fingers would be amazing. But technology mixed with sexy times isn't really for me. I'm kinda old fashioned. Plus, Karkat and I tend to have really romantic domestic sex. I'm talking about giggling and candles." Dave said, nodding along like he was agreeing with himself.

 

Dirk snorted. That type of shit wasn't for him. He could understand Dave liking it, the guy couldn't make it through a single serious conversation without trying to make a joke. He was just glad Dave didn't try cracking a joke when apologizing.

 

"Yeah, that kinda stuff isn't really for me. Couple people tried it with me but I just can't handle the soft shit. It's always so.. awkward. After people attempt that shit with me, I kinda drift away from them." Dirk confessed, resting his head on the weird rubber of the tube.

 

Dave shrugged, floating over so their tubes bumped together. "I get it. Intimacy is hella difficult but I think you've found someone that'll make it easier. Trust me, pretty soon y'all will be giggling and everything. But anyway…. Thanks for kinda giving me a second chance. I know it was really difficult and you really didn't want to but.. Thanks." Dave said, once again jumping tones in subjects.

 

Dirk sighed. "Yeah. I'll be honest, Hal really wants me to at least try being nice to you. Not necessarily buddy buddy but he wants me to kinda grow as a person and let you speak to me and shit. I don't know." Dirk confessed and chuckled. "We even had to set rules in place so I wouldn't end up drowning myself." He joked and immediately regretted it once he saw the sad look on Dave's face.

 

"Oh. You're still… Like that." Dave said quietly. Dave knew about Dirk being.. Dirk. Depressed, anxious, mentally ill.. At least, Dirk hoped he knew because Dirk was pretty sure the scars on his arms and legs were big enough indications he wasn't okay.

 

"Yeah. I'm still depressed and suicidal if that's what you're saying. It's gotten a lot better, trust me, turns out therapy actually works when you talk to the therapist and drugs tend to actually work when you take them." Dirk said, trying to ignore how uncomfortable Dave looked. "I'm at the point where if a car was coming at me and all I had to do was sprint to the side, I wouldn't but I'm not going to actively trying to kill or hurt myself. I also have no regard for my personal safety which makes me an excellent police officer and made me an even better detective but turns out, they want mentally stable people handling the public's safety and not suicidal whores that get the job done."

 

Dave laughed awkwardly. "Yeah… Sorry for uh.. Never actually helping with that." Dave said quietly. Dirk didn't respond. They both just sat there in the uncomfortable silence, both feeling bad.

 

"Wanna go back to shore?" Dirk suggested after a solid ten minutes of pure silence. Dave nodded quickly and they paddled to shore together, wanting to escape the awkwardness.

 

When they got to shore, both Karkat and Hal shut up about whatever they were talking about and Dirk just quickly went over to Hal, wanting to avoid the awkwardness. 

 

"Hey.." Dirk mumbled quietly, grabbing an extra beach chair so he could sit text to Hal, his body tense. His awkwardness must've been obvious to Hal since the android slipped his hand into Dirks. Dirk gave his probably boyfriend a 'please get rid of the awkwardness' look.

 

"Hey Dirky. Did you find anything interesting? There's record high reports of needles and such being found here along with some very cool rocks like quartz, rose quartz, smokey quartz, amethyst, and more!" Hal said cheerfully, not noticing the alarmed look Dave gave him.

 

"Needles and such? What the fuck? What do you mean by needles and such?" Dave asked from his position in Karkats lap. That was one weird dude.

 

Hal looked over and tilted his head. "Did you not know? This lake is a hotspot for illegal activity! There are also multiple laws stating that the cops can not station themselves inside the park this lake is located in for more than an hour each day! Not even undercover. The park doesn't want that type of paperwork to deal with and most stations just tend to let people go buck wild here. They really don't care as long as you at least try to pick up your litter. They also pull bodies out of the lake at least daily and their employees are told to ignore spots where the grass seems to grow better than other spots. It's best to let the bodies in the ground fertilize the plants anyway. It's all quite fascinating!" Hal said cheerfully

 

Karkat sighed, nodding along while Dave clinged to him. "Yeah, didn't you know this? It's very well known, ya know. People just don't give a shit." Karkat said like he was talking about how much people litter instead of a murder lake. Dave gave Dirk a panicked look, looking for any sign that Hal and Karkat were fucking with him.

 

Dirk shrugged, knowing Karkats and Hal's game already. "Yeah. When we have a missing persons case, we always check here first and we tend to find them in the lake. During my training, they showed me pictures of the bodies to make sure I didn't puke when I first saw them." Dirk confirmed, also casual about this.

 

"And we just SWAM IN THE MURDER LAKE?!" Dave squeaked out, his voice rising in pitch

 

"And drug lake." Karkat tacked on, wanting to freak out his boyfriend. Dave started going in full freakout mode, aka clinging to Karkat and making a high pitched whine like a weird radio wave thing. The noise made Karkat start giggling which caused a chain reaction and all three of them were laughing while Dave sat there looking confused.

 

Dirk was the first to explain, a big smile on his face. "Dude, if we regularly found bodies and drugs here we would've shut it down." Dirk said, resting his head on Hal's shoulder. Fuck Hal such a beautiful laugh.

 

Dave looked at Karkats confused and worried. "So.. it's not a murder lake..?" He asked quietly, relaxing when Karkat shook his head but then got grumpy.

 

"Y'all are so mean!" Dave said, crossing his arms. "I really thought there were bodies in there!" He complained, starting up another fit of laughter between Hal, Karkat and Dirk. 

 

Maybe Dirk could forgive Dave just a little bit.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm going to be ending this pretty soon? I might just publish one or two more chapters.


	19. Pranks.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hal and Karkat bond over their ridiculous boys.

Hal watched his adorable little human go out into the lake with his guardian, promising to keep a good eye on the two. He didn't want Dirk to end up physically fighting Dave right out in the middle of a lake.

Hal wouldn't be able to forgive himself if Dirk got a bruise from anyone besides him.

"So. About you and Dirk and Dave." Karkat started, gesturing for Hal to sit down in the chair next to him.

Hal obeyed, looking over at the smaller man. He was only a few inches shorter than Hal. "What about the three of us?" Hal asked calmly, hoping Karkat wouldn't tell him to take back Dirk request of a beach house paid for completely by Dave because that transaction already went through and Dirk was getting that beach house.

"I wanted to thank you for holding Dirk back and making him give Dave a second chance. Dave feels really bad about the situation and I wasn't sure he could live with himself without apologizing. So, thanks." Karkat said, smiling just a little bit.

Hal shrugged. "I didn't really have a big say in it. I just wanted Dirk to get closure which I'm glad he found."

"Still, thank you. I also wanted to ask.. What's your relationship with Dirk? You obviously like him very much and I want to make sure I don't say the wrong thing."

Hal felt his mechanical heart speed up and his body start heating up. Was Karkat really about to interrogate him on his relationship with Dirk? "I.. I think we're dating. I'm not really sure, I'd rather consult Dirk before giving a definitive answer. We also um.. are keeping it very very quiet. He could easily lose his job if the wrong person found out and I'd get scrapped. Have my memories erased completely so they could start from scratch." Hal explained, lightly tugging at the hem of his shirt to calm himself.

Karkat gave him a sympathetic and sad look. "Yeah.. Similar situation over here. I don't want to be in the spotlight and I know Dave's career could get completely ruined if they found out he was dating a stripper." Karkat said quietly, running a hand through his hair as he watched the two Striders drift in their tubes.

 

The two sat in silence, watching their boys swim for a while before Karkat spoke up again.

"So. How'd you know you liked Dirk?" Karkat asked, smiling.

Hal felt warm again. "Oh! Um.. I'm not entirely sure. I'm still new to these emotions but I guess I started really feeling positively towards him when he helped a boy with a broken nose. The kid was being bullied and, well, Dirk helped him and.. Just seeing him be so compassionate towards one boy he didn't even know made me feel so warm and nice inside." Hal said quietly, smiling as he remembered that day in vivid detail. "We were staking out an abandoned building when Dirk told me to hush. Apparently, there was yelling coming from inside and Dirk saw a bit of blood exit the building. We found the child, his nose bleeding profusely and Dirk just… He looked so sympathetic and beautiful in that moment. It was the first real emotion I felt. He made jokes with the teen the whole way back to the station and it was just so endearing. My emotions.. quickly spiralled after that. Since it was my first time feeling things like this, everything was extremely intense. I was so ridiculously jealous of this bartender than Dirk knew and I was just being so dumb and bitchy about everything. I'm still learning how to handle jealousy and I think I'm getting a lot better at it." Hal said, trying to be optimistic.

Karkat chuckled. "Right.. So that's why you ended up passing out in my apartment? Jealousy? At least, that's what I assume."

"Oh. Um. Yes. I'm very sorry about that, I was still.. new to emotions and how to handle them." Hal apologized, extremely embarrassed

Karkat shrugged. "It's okay. It took me a while to get my jealousy under control too. Every time there was some pictures of even a sentence of Dave dating someone else. Someone pretty and famous.. I'd get so ridiculously jealous but I'm the one he comes home to every day. I'm the one who cuddles him every night and I'm the first person he sees when he wakes up. All of the little things help me remember that I'm the only person Dave loves." Karkat said quietly, smiling at he watched Dave

"How long have you been with Dave?"

"Oh, around a month."

The answer made Hal panic a bit. A month?? And they were already this close?!

"I know, I know, we move quickly but.. I really like him. To be honest with you, Dave would've married me by now if I didn't adore romantic movies so much. I know he's only waiting because he knows I really want to get to know him first. I want something romantic and I know Dave is willing to give that to me." Karkat said, smiling like he was the luckiest man in the world. Hal understood that feeling.

"I understand. I regularly feel very warm and nice when I realize that I'm the one Dirk really likes. If Dirk did not like me or enjoy my presence, he would've kicked me out by now."

Karkat nodded, his smile forming into a smirk. "So. Off topic but have you two.. Done it yet?"

Hal frowned and tilted his head. "I'm afraid that I do not understand?"

"Had sex. Have you two gotten intimate yet. That's what I'm asking." Karkat said bluntly.

Hal felt his systems start heating up once again. "Oh! Well! You are very um straight forward.. I will say that we haven't gotten very intimate but there have been moments where we get very.. close to that point." Hal said, flustered. 

"Nice. Seducing a Strider is weird and difficult. Actually, it's way too easy. All I have to do is bat my eyelashes and Dave is on me faster than you can say 'look at that Man with the boner!'. It's really weird. Almost got intimate in public much too many times." Karkat said, a lightly flush across his face.

Hal cleared his throat and laughed quietly. "Yes, I can understand that. Dirk almost tempted me enough to get me to be intimate with him in a forest, in a restaurant, at work.. It was very tempting and I nearly gave in so many times."

Karkat nodded. "Respect. I'm not sure how I can keep refusing Dave. I just want to give him the entire world.." Karkat trailed off, getting lost in thought. He was probably thinking about all the times he got close to Dave.

 

Karkat chuckled to himself, probably remembering something funny. "Okay, enough with the mushy romantic shit. When Dirk and Dave get back, do you want to prank them? Get them to believe this is some free for all area where people just go apeshit?" Karkat asked, a devious smirk on his face.

Hal smiled and leaned over. "Of fucking course."

 

They quickly made a plan, wanting to disturb Dave as much as possible. When Dirk and Dave got back to shore, the two shut up about their evil plans and smiled at their significant others, ignoring the wave of awkwardness that followed them. That was just normal when dating a Strider.

 

"Hey.." Dirk said and grabbed a beach chair and unfolded it, sitting next to Hal with a desperate 'please get rid of the awkwardness' look. It looked adorable on him.

"Hey Dirky. Did you find anything interesting? There's record high reports of needles and such being found here along with some very cool rocks like quartz, rose quartz, smokey quartz, amethyst, and more!" Hal said cheerfully, ignoring the alarmed look Dave gave him. This was going to be so funny!

 

"Needles and such? What the fuck? What do you mean by needles and such?" Dave asked, sitting in Karkats lap with a panicked look.

 

Hal looked over and tilted his head. "Did you not know? This lake is a hotspot for illegal activity! There are also multiple laws stating that the cops can not station themselves inside the park this lake is located in for more than an hour each day! Not even undercover. The park doesn't want that type of paperwork to deal with and most stations just tend to let people go buck wild here. They really don't care as long as you at least try to pick up your litter. They also pull bodies out of the lake at least daily and their employees are told to ignore spots where the grass seems to grow better than other spots. It's best to let the bodies in the ground fertilize the plants anyway. It's all quite fascinating!" Hal said cheerfully, giving him his best tour guide impression

 

Karkat sighed, nodding along while Dave clinged to him, trying very hard not to laugh. "Yeah, didn't you know this? It's very well known, ya know. People just don't give a shit." Karkat said like he was talking about how much people litter instead of a murder lake. Dave gave Dirk a panicked look, looking for any sign that Hal and Karkat were fucking with him. Hal gave his probably boyfriend a 'please go along with the joke' look.

 

Dirk shrugged, knowing Karkats and Hal's game already. Hell yeah! "Yeah. When we have a missing persons case, we always check here first and we tend to find them in the lake. During my training, they showed me pictures of the bodies to make sure I didn't puke when I first saw them." Dirk confirmed, also casual about this. Hal was going to make sweet, sweet love to that man later.

 

"And we just SWAM IN THE MURDER LAKE?!" Dave squeaked out, his voice rising in pitch

 

"And drug lake." Karkat tacked on, wanting further freak Dave out. Hal wasn't completely sure he understood the meaning behind freaking out your partner but he thought it was fun so far! 

Dave started going in full freakout mode, aka clinging to Karkat and making a high pitched whine like a weird radio wave thing. The noise made Karkat start giggling which caused a chain reaction and all three of them were laughing while Dave sat there looking confused. Hal was just happy to be apart of things, excited about his first official prank.

 

Dirk was the first to explain, a big smile on his face while Hal continued to laugh. "Dude, if we regularly found bodies and drugs here we would've shut it down." Dirk said, resting his head on Hal's shoulder which made Hal feel all warm and tingly inside. He adored Dirk so much.

 

Dave looked at Karkats confused and worried. "So.. it's not a murder lake..?" He asked quietly, relaxing when Karkat shook his head but then got slightly upset.

 

"Y'all are so mean!" Dave said, crossing his arms. "I really thought there were bodies in there!" He complained, starting up another fit of laughter between Hal, Karkat and Dirk. 

 

Hal watched Dirk laugh, taking multiple secret pictures of him. He looked so gorgeous and.. effervescent. Absolutely stunning.

  
  


An hour or two passed, the android and human couple now cuddling on their couch as they watched TV. They had just gotten back from dinner with Dave and Karkat which was amazing. They ate at a nice takeout place and Hal took so many photos of Dirk smiling and having fun. It made his insides so warm.

 

"Hey… I love you." Hal whispered to his human, a smile plastered all over his face.

Dirks face heated up, blood rushing to his cheeks to signify embarrassment.

"I love you too." Dirk whispered back, smiling.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter and it's gonna be full of nice intimate DirkHal


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The finale.

Years in the future but not many.

Dirk had quit his job and worked on restoring perfectly good androids. Ones that were only thrown away because their owners got bored or there was a 'newer, better' model out. Androids that needed a second start.

Hal had quit his job as well. He negotiated with his 'creators', demanding they just replace him with a different model or he'd go out and confess about all of his feelings and altercations. The company quickly replaced him and let Hal go. He now helped Dirk in restoring abandoned androids and spent his days with his lover.

 

But now, they were at their lovely beach house. It was their first time visiting, despite having it for over a year now. Dirk just never found time to go there, always swamped in work but.. it was their anniversary today and Hal insisted on finally visiting.

 

The place was a bit dusty, only had a few cobwebs but it was still pretty clean. It was a lot cleaner than Dirks apartment and it had a beautiful view of the ocean. Dave had managed to score some privately owned land right on the beach and Dirk couldn't fucking wait to swim in the ocean.

Speaking of Dirk, he was currently laying down in bed, completely exhausted from their long ride there. He wasn't even the one who drove but he still felt ridiculously tired after spending most of the day in the car. He wanted nothing more than to fall into a deep sleep and wake up in the middle of the ocean where he belonged…. At least, that's what he thought he wanted until he heard his boyfriend's sweet and enticing voice calling to him.

 

Dirk peeked over at the entrance of their huge bedroom and saw his boyfriend standing there, completely naked, holding a box that Dirk just knew was full of dildos and toys. There was no way it wasn't.

"Hal. What do you have there?" Dirk asked despite knowing the answer, trying to also convey how sleepy he was through his tone of voice alone.

"Sex toys!" Hal responded cheerfully and set the box down before going over to the bed and sitting right next to Dirk. "I thought we could finally have some fun together since it's just us here and it's our anniversary." Hal cooed to him, gently rubbing his back.

Hal was a temptress. That bastard knew how much Dirk wanted to bone and really just fuck all day long. They hadn't really gone at it.. ever. Every single time they fucked, it lasted a few minutes and they went right back to work. Hal always tried tempting him into taking a whole week off just to fuck but Dirk always had too much work to do and he was always too tired to do anything once he didn't have work to do. But they had the whole house to themselves..

 

"Alright, let's do it. But take it slow, I'm really tired and I kinda just want to relax." Dirk said and rolled over, hugging his boyfriend's waist. Dirk loved the fact Hal didn't need any sort of sexual stimulation. Hal didn't experience sexual needs or feelings, he only ever wanted to be close to Dirk and make him happy… and completely wreck him.

 

Hal grinned and gently played with Dirks hair, watching him curl up. "Then I'll start by stretching out your legs and back, I'm sure they need it. You just relax darling and I'll take care of you." Hal purred, turning down the lights with his weird android brain.

Dirk closed his eyes, completely trusting Hal and let him do whatever he wanted as he felt Hal's warm hands gently move Dirks body around like he was a doll, moving him onto his back and slowly taking his clothes off. Shoes, socks, pants, underwear, shirt then shades. Everything came off slowly and carefully, Hal's touches featherlight and almost teasing in a way. The android left small kisses around his thighs, stomach and chest as he took the garments off, like he was trying to warm Dirk up to the soon to be hot and loving touches. Dirk wouldn't be surprised if that's what he was doing.

Dirk kept his eyes closed the whole time, letting Hal do whatever the fuck he wanted. He soon felt his legs being pushed towards his chest, Hal gently rubbing his sore calves while he stretched Dirks legs.

"Hal, you really don't have to stretch my legs for me.." Dirk mumbled quietly, slowly opening his eyes so he didn't end up falling asleep. The lights were dim and Hal was the main source of light, his LED circle glowing a lovely orange while his eyes glowed a faint red. 

"I know darling, I want to. I enjoy helping you." His lover said quietly, letting Dirks legs slowly go back down. "How's your back feel? Need me to rub it?" 

"Lying down helps. Let's just make out, I want to hold you." Dirk responded, holding his arms out to Hal. He adored the android. Years of endless devotion towards each other showed in the way they simply trusted each other.

Hal smiled, getting in between Dirks legs before leaning down and gently kissing him.

Dirk kissed back, trying to push all of his love and adoration for him into one kiss, already starting to feel a tad bit warm.

Hal rested his weight on his forearms which were on either side of Dirk's head, boxing Dirk in, in a good way. Everything just felt perfect and.. right. Like Dirk was meant to be there.

The thought makes Dirks whole body relax and just  _ melt _ underneath Hal which seemed to satisfy said android who was now smiling against Dirks mouth.

"Hal…." Dirk whispered into the kiss before deepening it, inhaling sharply when Hal's crotch pressed against Dirks, the sudden stimulation kind of startling him but he quickly relaxed again when he remembered that this was just Hal. Hal wasn't going to ever do anything bad to him. Also, the fact that Hal didn't have a dick kinda helped. The stimulation wasn't quite as intense.

Dirk moved his head to the side, breathing deep as Hal turned his attention to his lovers neck, lightly nipping and sucking at it. The action reminded Dirk that Hal could easily just sink his teeth into his neck and just rip his vocal cords out or just kill him so easily..

Just thinking about Hal made Dirk flustered. Hal could easily kill Dirk in an instant, he could just pin Dirk down and rip him apart slowly, Hal could stab him 24 times in the chest then fuck his body as the life slowly drained out of him.. Somehow, all of these thoughts just got Dirk even more aroused. Hal's design was a work of art and the feeling of Hal being able to so easily overpower him just choosing not to just sent shivers down Dirks spine which could easily be broken by a mere shift in Hal's weight. Hal was so unbelievably strong and powerful, the fact he loved Dirk and only Dirk was astounding and arousing.

"Hal.." Dirk whispered, humming quietly when said android lightly nibbled on his neck. "You're so beautiful." Dirk whispered, feeling zero shame in admitting how beautiful he found Hal.

"So are you, my darling. I could just lock you away in here forever, letting not a soul see you besides me. Let you wear only my clothes, fucking you all day and night, taking care of you every waking moment when I'm not completely wrecking you.. That's what I would love to do if it wouldn't completely crush you're fragile psyche." Hal whispered back, lightly grinding down on him, making Dirk moan quietly.

"You know I'd let you. I wouldn't put up a fight at all. I'd let you do whatever you wanted with me."

Hal inhaled shakily and chuckled darkly, gently kissing Dirks neck. "Don't tempt me, darling." He whispered before sitting up and grabbing Dirks thighs, massaging them gently before both hands moved down to Dirks hips.

Dirk watched his lover closely, feeling completely and utterly in love with him. "I love you. Happy anniversary." Dirk whispered, sitting up so he could kiss Hal again. He loved him, adored him even. Dirk knew Hal would never actually lock him away and Hal knew that Dirk wouldn't go so willingly.

Dirk kissed Hal gently, wrapping his arms around his shoulders loosely so he could keep himself up. Hal was so ridiculously strong. He could probably just throw Dirk off the bed and fuck him right into the ground, probably breaking said ground in the process. Dirk wouldn't even care if that happened.

Hal pulled away from the kiss and kissed Dirks cheek to keep him from whining. "I'll grab the vibrator you like, you just lay back and relax. I want you to let me do all of the work." Hal whispered, gently pushing Dirk back onto the bed. "You're so beautiful. Ethereal. You look.. stunning. I'm torn between showing you off and keeping you all to myself. What would people say, Dirky? What would people say if they found out that Dirk Strider is this fucking beautiful. I'm sure people would send thousands of dollars just to see more. For you to even acknowledge them. Billionaires would beg you and go into poverty just to see you bat your pretty eyelashes for them. I'd have to be by your side constantly so someone didn't come and steal you away from me. Women would be distraught that you didn't like them, men would start wars over you, non-binary folks would beg and beg for you to pass them a glance. But no one would earn your attention because you'll be too busy letting me love you." Hal whispered, letting his hips grind against Dirks the entire time he praised him.

Dirk felt himself starting to get hard and couldn't contain the pout that bubbled up when Hal got up and left the bed to go grab the vibrator.

"Hal, please hurry, I want to feel you against me." Dirk called out to him, watching him dig through their box of toys to find the right one. Hal soon came back, the toy attached to a lovely plate right where Hal's dick would be if he had one. Every time they do this, Dirk can't help but thank himself for installing a way for Hal to attach certain toys to himself.

"You're so beautiful. Your design is beyond amazing, you're so strong and powerful.. it's a complete wonder why they didn't immediately keep you to themselves. If anyone saw you like this, they'd steal you away for themselves just to study you and worship you." Dirk whispered to him, starting to shiver as he thought about how easily Hal could just snap his neck and kill him. Why did Dirk get so turned on by the complete imbalance of power and strength? Was it the feeling of helplessness? Dirk pushed the questions aside and spread his legs for Hal, grabbing the lube from under his pillow. He knew they'd fuck at some point so Dirk went ahead and took the initiative to hide various small bottles of lube around the house to spare his future self the pain of Hal leaving him in search of the lubricant. Dirk handed said lubricant to his boyfriend.  _ His _ boyfriend. His  _ boyfriend _ . Even after all this time, Dirk could hardly believe that Hal stayed with him this long. He could hardly believe that Hal was still willing to tolerate all of his weird human bullshit and get nothing but unconditional love in return.

Hal took the bottle, not even questioning why it was under Dirks pillow. "When was the last time you played with yourself?" Hal asked as he dribbled some onto the vibrator. The vibrator turned on, the buzzing noise causing some Pavlovian response in his dick, making it twitch.

"This morning." Dirk replied, hoping Hal didn't notice how his dick twitched. Hal totally did but ignored it in favor of hearing Dirk talk about his morning sexcapades.

"Oh? This morning? I was with you all morning, how'd you manage that without me knowing?" Hal asked, a mischievous smirk on his face.

"I woke up first, I really needed it and um I may have got a bit intense with that exact vibrator and uh ended up crashing right after I cleaned myself up." Dirk explained, slightly embarrassed. He really shouldn't be, he's been with Hal for a long time and Hal was fully aware that Dirk masturbated.

"Awh, that's actually kind of cute to think about. You being so desperate that you can't even wait for me to get up, pumping a toy in and out of yourself, trying so desperately to stay quiet and let me rest.. You're too kind!" Hal teased, lifting Dirks legs up and resting them on his strong shoulders. "Now, since you're already familiar with this toy, I won't have to be as gentle. Remember, red means stop, yellow means slow down and green means go. If you start feeling bad and can't say words, tap out or just push me away." Hal reminded him, his voice switching quickly from sexy and sultry to 'I would die for you in a heartbeat and regret nothing'.

"I know, babe. Just remember to be gentle, I'm still kinda tired and I don't want to spend our entire time here homebound because you ended up fucking me too hard." Dirk said, adjusting himself a bit so Hal wouldn't have to support the full weight of his legs. He loved that he could just.. Relax during sexy times. There was no need to perform or go in 100%.

Hal nodded, kissing Dirks calf before reaching down and positioning himself before slowly pushing in. As always, Hal used the perfect about of lube so the beginning was smooth with zero complications. "There we go.. Look at you, so beautiful and delicate. I could just bend you in half and go at it until I felt like stopping. Maybe I'd make you cum over and over again until you begged me to stop and let you rest or maybe I'd tease you for hours on end, never letting you cum properly-"

"Babe." Dirk said sternly before chuckling lightly, rolling his eyes. "No need for dirty talk. Just hold me and, as cheesy as it is, make love with me." Dirk requested, moving his legs off of Hal's shoulders and spread them so Hal could lean down into missionary position.

Hal snorted and did what was asked of him, settling his weight back on his forearms, boxing Dirk in once again. "What are we, straight? C'mon darling, I thought we were much more kinky than this." Hal teased, kissing his neck lightly.

"Hey, maybe I want to be vanilla for our anniversary!" Dirk protested, smiling as he pulled Hal closer. "Besides.. I really want to be dumb and romantic with you. I wanna look in your eyes while you fuck me and I want to be all.. soft with you. But in the privacy of our own home cause I really don't want to get hate crimed. Like, I love you and all but I'm just not sure if I would get lynched for you." Dirk teased, wrapping his legs around Hal's waist.

Hal chuckled, kissing Dirk gently before starting to slowly thrust in and out in a sort of… loving motion. "I truly love you and I would willingly get torn apart everyday just to get a single kiss from you." Hal whispered against his lips, smiling ever so slightly.

Dirk was addicted to the feeling of love that Hal always gave him. The feeling of truly being in love, the feeling of being together and just fitting so perfectly. Not like puzzle pieces, definitely not that.. Like when you're by yourself and you start thinking about the one person you love the most and you have to hug your pillow so tight because you can barely contain how much you love them and you can't even be sad that they're not there because you can't stop thinking about all of the amazing things about them. Dirk never thought he'd ever be loved this way yet.. Here he was.

"I absolutely adore you. No language, human or otherwise, can convey just how much I love you." Dirk whispered to his lover, moaning quietly right after. It all felt so intimate and.. perfect. Hal was his best friend, Hal was his lover, Hal was a complete thorn in his side sometimes but Hal was ultimately the only one for him.

Said thorn in his side smiled, kissing the tip of his nose. "Shh.. I can hear your thoughts, they're so loud. I know you love me dear but focus on the here and now. Focus on the way my skin feels against yours, how my hips move to meet yours, how the mattress dips underneath our combined weight.. How you can smell the salt in the ocean even inside, how you can taste your snack from earlier, how you can hear the bed creaking oh so quietly.. C'mon, just focus on the moment with me. I'll make time to hear every single thought of yours later." Hal whispered against Dirks cheek, the feeling of his lips moving against the sensitive skin on his face sending Dirk back into reality and effectively grounded him.

"I'm here.." Dirk whispered back to reassure Hal, gasping quietly when the vibrations from the vibrator went up a notch. "That's perfect, don't go more than that." Dirk praised, arching his back slightly so he could try to get Hal deeper inside him.

"I've got you." Hal mumbled before pushing in deep, putting the perfect amount of pressure on Dirks prostate.

"Yes!" Dirk gasped out, biting down on his lip out of habit. He wasn't very vocal during sex, using his words to encourage his partners instead of noises. "There, holy fuck, pretty please." Dirk mumbled, his eyes rolling back while his legs lightly squeezed at Hal's sides.

"You're so beautiful, my sweet. You could convince a man to kill himself and his family if you really wanted to. Wait, fuck, that's not sexy. Um.. Well, it's true. You could out any model to shame, you'd make billions of thousands of dollars from people begging you and pleading you to just wiggle your hips a little bit. You would truly start wars over who was allowed to see you most often." Hal praised, rubbing right up against that perfect spot. Dirk felt like he was seeing stars but it was just the love of his life.

"H-Hal, please.." Dirk whispered, staring right into Hal's beautiful red eyes that bore straight into his soul.

"Please what? You need to know these things." Hal said before sighing, looking over Dirk's face appreciatively. "People would kill for the chance to see you like this.." Hal whispered, leaning down to kiss him before reaching down to lightly stroke Dirks dick, his hand still a bit slick from rubbing lube on the vibrator.

"I wish you could see yourself, darling. See you through my eyes. The way your eyelashes flutter so delicately, how your cheeks flush the most beautiful color, the way your lips look so beautifully delicious when they're whispering my name.. Truly, you are a work of art. Absolute perfection and beauty, something to admire and strive for." Hal whispered in Dirks ear as the fragile human came undone, twitching under Hal from the slight overstimulation.

Hal chuckled, slowly pulling out before he got up, grabbing a tissue so he could clean Dirk up. "We should have intimate sex more often." Hal said, knowing Dirk was almost completely out of it. The android kindly cleaned Dirk up, being gentle with his delicate, squishy and fleshy body. Hal detached the vibrator with a small 'click', turning it off before setting it on their nightstand to be cleaned later.

Dirk watched his boyfriend lazily, smiling slightly as he did so. Hal was always the best at.. Everything. He could barely imagine anyone else being this wonderful. "I love you." Dirk whispered, his smile growing when Hal laid in bed next to him for cuddles.

"I love you too." Hal whispered back, kissing him gently before wrapping his arms around Dirk. The world went to black and Dirk went into the places in between world's, shifting between the void and weird dreams.

  
  


Dirk was up and at em nearly two hours later, getting himself some water. He was wearing a big oversized hoodie that he shared with Hal along with boxers and cat socks. Since they both wore the same size clothes, they bought two hoodies that were much too big for either of them just so they could pretend they were 'stealing' the others clothes just to be cute. Really, they could barely tell who's clothes was who's now. It was nice to have designated clothes that were too big so they could wear it out in public like a sort of 'this is my boyfriend's hoodie, look at me, I took this from my boyfriend whom I love so fucking much' display. Like what straight people do.

Dirk smiled to himself as he got to thinking about Hal. About how all the times Hal tried to be adorably human. The time Hal got him flowers, the times Hal's opened doors for him, the times Hal's tried to 'steal' his clothes in an effort to look cute, all the times Hal made him breakfast in bed.. It was impossible not to be 100% in love with him. Of course, there were always rough patches. Sometimes Hal was too annoying or just too quiet or just too  _ something _ and they would end up fighting for no particular reason and then they would both end up feeling horrible. The only huge fight they had was when Dirk was really.. going through it. He hadn't slept in a while and he was completely stressed out and they ended up taking a break. Not a break up but an actual break. Dirk stayed at Roxy's house for a while and got back to rationality while Hal stayed home and waited for Dirk to get back.

Dirk always felt bad about that argument. It was so stupid and dumb. He regretted it to this day but it was in the past now and Dirk already did all he could to make it up to Hal.

Dirk smiled to himself, remembering how hard they both clung to each other once Dirk got back. How Hal refused to let him go as they slept like he was terrified of Dirk leaving in the middle of the night.

They ended up spending the whole week holed up in their apartment, just cuddling and kissing.

 

Dirk took a sip of his water as he reminisced, glancing over at the stairs when he heard Hal descend them. "Hey babe." Dirk greeted, setting his glass cup down so he could watch his lover who walked right over to him.

"Hey." Hal responded, a big grin on his face as he wrapped his arms around Dirks waist. "You look stunning." He whispered, gently rubbing Dirks back.

"So do you." Dirk said, wrapping his arms around Hal's bare chest. Hal always enjoyed walking around with only sweatpants on.

"So. I'm thinking that I should fuck you right over the counter and leave you a trembling mess while I order some Cajun food then we end our sexcapades for the night, curl up in front of the TV and maybe watch something funny. Maybe have a few blankets, maybe a glass of wine." Hal suggested, his eyes bright and hopeful. Hal was desperate to do something domestic and romantic for their anniversary, he talked about it for hours this morning.

"That actually sounds really nice. But I swear, if you just leave me, bent over the counter post coitus when the delivery person gets here then I will be so fucking pissed at you." Dirk threatened, swaying side to side with Hal.

"I wouldn't dream of it! Can't risk some random person seeing you all sex ruffled. God, I can't wait until we find a dildo that can spurt out cum and attach to me. I'd use that so fucking often, just to see your pretty trembling thighs struggle to hold you up as my cum slowly dribble down said thighs. I'll admit, I've thought about that a lot. Fuck, I can imagine fucking you with that thing right before we go out and you having to deal with cum leaking down your thighs in a public place. Just the pure humiliation you'd feel would make me so fucking happy. You'd look so aesthetically pleasing too, with your face all red and maybe your lashes just a bit wet from shame tears." Hal rambled, clearly getting excited. "Just imagine, you bent over the counter so obediently, your ass a lovely red from me pounding away at it and my cum dripping down your thighs. You're flustered face unable to look the delivery man in the eyes when they inevitably see you. Would you wiggle your cute ass for them? Maybe tease them or, hell, even invite them to join? Or would you desperately try to hide your face in your arms but not move a single inch from your spot because your legs are just so weak?" Hal mused, pushing Dirk up against said counter. "The pure aesthetic of it all is so fucking appealing."

Dirks face was dark red by now, his vocal cords unable to work as Hal kissed his neck, sucking new red marks on his skin. The images filled his mind, making his dick gain interest as he thought about all the things they could do with a toy that could spurt out fake cum and still attach to Hal. There had to be something out there, right?

"Sometimes I wish I was human.. If I was, I'm sure I'd be an absolute beast. I don't think I'd ever not be horny. I would fuck you all the time, leaving myself completely scatterbrained from how amazing you are. I'm sure I'd be fifty percent dumber, all of my hormones forcing me to think about you and only you. I know for a fact I'd adore getting blowjobs from you. Just seeing you on your knees, sitting all pretty for me with your soft mouth open would drive me absolutely insane. I'd beg for sex all the time, unable to contain myself around you. Of course, I'd still be respectful but fuck, I'd jerk off constantly. If I was a human, I would probably propose to you right when you first got drunk around me. Right in your shower, I'd get on one knee and beg you to marry me. I'm pretty sure I'd end up in the hospital from how many times I'd have to jerk it to keep myself under control." Hal rambled, enjoying the idea of experiencing sexual wants.

"Hal! Baby, holy shit, you gotta breathe and give me a second!" Dirk said, breathless. Hal had been grinding against him this whole time, the teasing driving Dirk up the fucking wall along with all the talk.

Hal did take a deep breath, letting out an embarrassed chuckle. "Sorry, darling. I got a bit out of control there." Hal apologized, kissing Dirks cheek to earn his forgiveness.

"Fuck, Hal, I think Im gonna fucking lose it if you don't fuck me." Dirk complained, his tone slightly whiny but he was kind of confused. What came over Hal and what caused all the sudden dirty talk?

Hal kissed Dirks cheek quickly, stepping back. "I'll grab a toy, I'll be really fast!" Hal promised, quickly rushing upstairs like the devil was nipping at his heels.

Dirk was confused but way too horny to question things properly. He just slipped his underwear off and tossed it into the unknown before bending over the counter.

Hal soon returned, struggling to get the toy to attach to him with just one hand while the other held the lube, very frustrated that it just wasn't doing what he wanted. "Dirk, it won't do the thing!" He said, huffing.

Dirk chuckled and straighten up, pulling Hal over. "Relax, babe. Why are you so desperate all of a sudden?" Dirk asked, a teasing tone in his voice as he easily snapped the toy on. It was a pretty red dildo, only six inches.

"I dunno, I just really really want to pleasure you in whatever way I can. Like, it's an overwhelming need to just.. Make you happy. I've been feeling like this ever since I woke up and saw how flushed you were and it kinda all just.. Overwhelmed me when I saw you just standing in here with that hoodie and your cute boxers and those cute kitty socks." Hal said, looking like he was on the verge of pouting.

Dirk immediately got flustered, taking the bottle of lube from Hal's hand. "You're so wonderful, Hal. You know that everything you do makes me happy." Dirk whispered, pouring the lubricant into his hand before gently rubbing it onto the toy. "I love you. I love you so much. Even when you start getting way too excited and start rambling about how much you want to see me bent over." Dirk said, smiling as he lightly grinded against him before turning around and bending over the counter like Hal very much wanted.

"Sometimes I forget that I'm the luckiest android in the entire world." Hal said happily before fondling Dirks ass, clearly pleased with himself. He soon spread Dirks cheeks and pressed the tip of his toy against his entrance, teasing his partner.

"Jesus fucking dick- Hal, did you really just spend around half a fucking hour telling me how much you want to fuck me, only to tease me once you finally get the ch-" Dirk got cut off when Hal suddenly pushed in, the rest of his sentence dying in his throat and got replaced by a surprised moan.

"Sorry darling!" Hal chirped, not even stopping to let Dirk get used to it before he started thrusting into him at a slightly rough pace. Hal always did love torturing him.

"H-Hal, what the fuc-!" Dirk got cut off again by his own moan, standing on his tiptoes to get a better angle. "Ngh, yes, yes, fuck, there oh shit fuck! Next time you surprise me like this, I'm fucking decking you!" Dirk growled out, shivering when Hal hit that magical spot just right. Maybe there was one benefit to having the same sexual partner for years.

"So mean Dirky! I know you like this! I know you love it when I start out rough and not even let you get the chance to adjust. I know you love it because it gets all of those lovely sounds out of you." Hal cooed, occasionally adding a harder thrust in there for emphasis.

Dirk just moaned in response, unable to really think about things now that his entire focus was drawn to the way Hal felt inside of him. Occasionally, his own moans and curses would quiet down as he started getting used to the thrusts but then Hal would change the angle unexpectedly or suddenly bite him, catching him completely off guard which made him completely forget Hal's pattern again which, again, made him moan like a little whore, a fact that Hal loved reminding him of.

Dirk came fairly soon, Hal's hand wrapped around his cock as he got semen on the nicely painted cabinets.

"Damn! Don't worry, I'll clean that up later." Hal said, his thrusts slowing before he pulled out, giving Dirk time to come back down to Earth. "Fuck, you look absolutely amazing as per usual. Here, just relax and I'll clean everything up and order some food." Hal reassured him, kissing a forming hickey before he left to make the call, leaving Dirk to relax.

Dirk took a deep breath, his legs a bit shaky and tired from standing on his tiptoes so long while getting fucked. He sat up straight, moving slowly so he didn't end up on the floor and took a single step towards the fridge to grab an ice pack for his now sore hips but something stopped him right in his tracks.

He felt wetness slowly seep into his sock. Horrible, unknown wetness.

His fucking sock was wet and surprisingly absorbant. 

He looked down to glare at the monstrosity, feeling the rage and disgust of having a wet sock fill him. The next person that spoke to him would die.

"Okay, the delivery man should be here- Oh yikes, who spit in your face?" Hal asked, an innocent smile on his face, oblivious to his inevitable doom.

"Hal. Did you leave this puddle here?" Dirk asked coldly, glaring at the love of his life.

"Oh. Haha, yeah, I dropped an ice cube and didn't feel like picking it up. Why, you step in it or somethin'?"

Hal.

The love of his life.

The only one he truly trusted and loved.

His soulmate, completely unmatched.

"I'm going to murder you." Dirk said coldly, glaring daggers at his boyfriend who just laughed.

"Oh yeah, baby doll? Bring it!" Hal happily declared, shouting with glee when Dirk tackled him to the ground. The two wrestled, their limbs tangling and the world spinning as they did so. They didn't cause any real damage to each other, maybe just some sharp pain that would die down quickly.

Dirk legitimately growled when Hal was suddenly on top and kneed his side, quickly pushing him over and got back on top, trying to grab Hal's wrist to pin him down but Hal kept avoiding his grabbing hands, poking and pinching at his sides to distract him before managing to push him off, getting back on top which just got Dirk frustrated again.

"Babe! Stop being all bitchy, it was just water!" Hal teased, laughing as Dirk yanked on his hair in retaliation for pushing him off.

"Shut the fuck up, my sock is all nasty and wet!" Dirk protested and took said sock off, throwing it at Hal's face. Hal simply caught it and smirked, quickly moving the sock towards Dirks face so he could shove it in his mouth.

Dirk squeaked and quickly tried to push Hal away, laughing with him as they fought over who got a sock shoved in their face.

 

Soon, they were both laying next to each other, both panting heavily. The sock had been thrown somewhere and they were still full of happy endorphins from the sudden exercise, big grins stuck on their faces.

Dirk looked over at Hal, feeling a surge of emotion rush through him. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. He didn't want anyone else, just him. He wanted the play fights, he wanted the real fights, he wanted the sex, the jokes, the cuddles, the undeniable love and appreciation towards each other.. He wanted Hal.

"Let's get married." Dirk blurted out, a huge smile on his face. He already knew the answer that was coming.

Hal just laughed and looked over at him, getting serious when he realized Dirk wasn't joking. "Wait, seriously? Like.. married married? Like, till death do we part?" Hal asked, his eyes wide.

Dirk nodded, the smile never leaving his face. "Till death do we part." He whispered, his heart still beating fast and loud in his ears. He adored this android and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

Hal smiled slowly, an ecstatic slowly taking over his beautiful features. "Really?" Hal asked quietly

"Really." Dirk confirmed, reaching over to hold Hal's hand

"Holy fuck, yes. Yes, yes, of fucking course yes. Let's get fucking married, holy fuck." Hal said happily, squeezing Dirks hand tightly, his face practically glowing.

Dirk was going to spend the rest of his life with the dorkiest and sexiest android to ever exist and he couldn't be happier.

  
  
  


 

 

 

"But if you ever leave a puddle in the kitchen again then I will divorce you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for sticking with this fic! I know I had a weird and crazy update schedule but thank you for not abandoning this thing like I did oh so many times.  
> Please continue to follow my account and read my fics, I work really hard on them and I hope that you continue to enjoy them!  
> Thank you for reaching the end of Androids and Wet Socks. Bye bye :)


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